Not Getting Second Dates, When To Ask For A Second Date, Signs There Will Be No Second Dates, Second Date Tips, Second Date Ideas, Second Date Advice

Online dating can be fun, but it can also be frustrating. Mixed signals, bad timing, interpretation of dates and poor communication can make dating exhausting and at times miserable.

Even if you are able to get past lazy first lines like hi, hey and get matches on go on dates, there is no guarantee it will be smooth sailing after that.

If you find yourself getting a fair amount of first dates but hardly getting second dates, it could be a number of reasons holding you back from advancing beyond the initial meeting. Is he/she interested after the first date?

Getting ghosted is awful but hopefully being more aware will reduce those situations. Below are some of the main reasons people have failed to obtain second dates after going on successful first dates.

Related read: He’s Just Not That Into You


Signs Of A Good First Date, Signs A First Date Went Well

Before you start wondering why seconds dates are elusive, it’s important to understand what happened on a first date. A great first date usually entails a second date but not always. A good first date is also one where you know definitely that you don’t want to see the person again.

There are lots of deception and unknowns on first dates so being efficient is key to avoid wasting weeks or months to figure out something that should have been known after date #1.

Even if a first date goes longer than expected, involves some touching or even ends in a kiss, that doesn’t mean there will be a second date.

Sometimes people want to go on a date and that’s it. Not wanting to be alone, wanting to feel wanted, needing a distraction or wanting to meet someone new with no expectations might be all that is to be had on a first date.

Even if someone is looking to date and find a relationship, they are also likely going on dates with others so timing is important. Your date has nothing to do with their previous date or subsequent date.

If your date agrees to a second date at the end of the first date, that doesn’t mean much as people can change their mind or they prefer not to reject you in person out of fear, safety or awkwardness (few people have the courage to reject someone face to face).

Related read: First Date Etiquette, Expectations


Why Am I Not Getting Second Dates, Why Hasn’t He Asked Me Out On A Second Date

Oftentimes, I hear from people that they had a great time on a first date and that their date did as well, but then things end abruptly. One should never assume anything when meeting a stranger for the first time.

Some people underestimate the time, and effort needed to date. Others realize they jump into the dating pool too quickly after a breakup. A few people live in the moment, but then can have doubts after thinking things over.

Don’t ignore possible deal-breakers like location, age, religion, politics, job, lifestyle choices etc. Some people might be ok with some things at first but change their mind after some thought.

There are so many variables at play when it comes to first dates that most people forget to account for all the items below. Similarly, the date might have been fine but he might not be that into you as much as you think.

Some people are naturally upbeat, positive, and friendly, and too often, people misread signs or fail to reciprocate signals.

Related read: Online Dating Rejection


Online Dating Photos Don’t Look Like You, Online Date Doesn’t Look Like Their Pictures

The biggest reason why most first dates don’t lead to second dates are photos. Many people are biased about themselves and their looks.

Just because a date sticks around through the end of a first date doesn’t mean they are attracted to you, had a great time, nor want to see you. Laughing at your jokes, ordering a second drink, asking questions about your life means nothing.

Many women can be scared or nervous about confronting someone about their looks. Some guys don’t want to be mean about confronting a girl about using old photos, filters or slimming effects on photos.

If the photos on your dating profile don’t all look like you now, you can be deceiving others and that is not recommended. Using old photos or photos of different hairstyles, hair colors, facial hair and baldness can be enough to mislead people. Don’t do that.

Related read: How To Report People For Offline Behavior

Online Dating Coaching For Men, Women

Help w/ swiping, timing, app choice, messages, filters, deal-breakers, paid features, screening profiles, reading people, ID'ing red flags/liars/time-wasters, date planning, & using dating apps more effectively & efficiently.

First Date Was Boring, Dull, Didn’t Go So Well – Why A Guy Would Not Want A Second Date

If you pick a first date that is rather boring, repetitive, the other person has reason to believe that date #2 will not be much different from the first.

There are too many coffee dates to be had and over time, those can become boring, repetitive, predictable and low-energy.

Yes, covid has made date options more challenging, limited, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to make dates fun, unique. Even if a first date is fun, your second date needs to show effort and either be well-thought-out, show a different side of you or not be too dull.

Related read: Getting Ghosted After First Date


Did Not Make It Obvious You Wanted A Second Date – Why Girls Don’t Want A Second Date

If you had a good time on a date, it’s possible the other person does not know that. Not everyone has the ability to read others effectively. Some need more assurance about your feelings in order to feel confident and wanted.

Knowing the other person’t love language can be helpful, but first dates are generally too early to figure that out. If you wait until the end of the date to make it known how you feel about your date, it can be too late. Make it known earlier about how you are feeling about the other person.


Following Up After A First Date: Signs He or She Is Interested After A First Date

If you don’t follow up after a first date, that shows lack of effort, interest. One should always follow up after a first date regardless if a second date is on the horizon unless the date was awful, and the person was a creep or the person lied to you.

How exactly to follow up will vary based on the date, timing, and next steps if any but I will go over that in our coaching sessions so you have a better understanding of how to read people and situations.

Related read: Communication etiquette


Did Not Ask For A Second Date At The End Of The First Date – Signs Of A Bad First Date

Some people want to get a feel about what the other person felt before committing to a second date. If you are too insecure about making your feelings known for someone and asking them out on a date, you will struggle with dating in general.

Self-awareness, ability to read people and putting yourself out there is key to have success while dating. Waiting until after a date or the next day to inquire about a second date is too long. It makes the other person feel like you are not sure about whether you like them or not.

Related read: Online Dating Ghosting – When Is It Ok To Ghost After A First Date


The Other Person Met Someone Else, Date Is Dating Someone Else

When it comes to dating, people fail to realize that there is a likely chance the person they are on a date with might be going on dates with other people and might also be further along on dates as well.

Don’t assume you are dating in a silo – assume there are others, competition. Don’t get down on yourself when you don’t get beyond a first date as it might not be all about you.

Internalizing everything is one way to get down on yourself which can be bad for mental health. Chalk it up to bad timing every now and then.

Related read: Harsh Reality of Online Dating


Your Date Is Not Ready To Date, Signs You Are Not Ready To Date

Naturally, if you go on enough dates, you will come across people who have no business being on dating apps because they are not ready to date. You can tell this if the person is lonely or depressed or is getting over a breakup.

These people are time-wasters and you are not their therapist or penpal. Don’t waste your time thinking you can turn these people around and make them ready to date and fall for you.

Some people need to work on themselves before they can date again and you shouldn’t expect this to happen anytime soon or at all.

Related read: Signs You Are Not Ready To Date

Online Dating Advice For Women

Screening Profiles, Why Don't Guys Reply, Low-Effort Messages, Overwhelmed w/ Matches, Signs He's Not Into You, What Your Dating Photos Signal, Coffee Dates, Lying About Age, 'No Hook-ups' In Profile & More

You Were Too Forward, Creepy On First Date

Even if the other person is into you, that doesn’t mean anything is guaranteed.  Girls will talk to their friends and get feedback on dates and if you get too comfortable or too handsy on a first date, you can sabotage any and all momentum you had acquired up until that point.

Similarly, one can botch any chances of a second date by the way they end the first date or an inappropriate text after the first date. Tread lightly and don’t be creepy.

Related read: Creepy Behavior On Dating Apps


Background Checks On Potential Dates, Matches

Some women do a background check after a first date so don’t assume you are in the clear after date #1. Something unsavory can appear online that can ruin chances of a second date.

I offer background checks for clients who are uncertain about a date they went on. Just because you made it past the first round of backgrounds checks by your date, don’t assume you can get past someone like me who does this for a living.


Date Lied About Age, Location, Job, Pet Or Marital Status

It happens, but unfortunately some people are not always truthful about themselves in their profile.

Some people say they are divorced when they have barely been separated for a few months while others lie about their location and say they live closer to city than they actually do to avoid being outside a radius on dating apps.

Others lie about being employed or having pets (hello dog-fishing). If you lie about small things early on, what else are you lying about? Be honest, be truthful.


First Date Felt Like An Interview, Date Felt Like A Job Interview

Treating a date like an interview is a great way to guarantee that you won’t get a second date. Dates are supposed to be fun. The whole purpose of a date is to learn about each other in a casual, relaxed manner. Trying to speed things up too quickly can kill the mood and make it feel like work.

Even if you are looking to settle down soon, get married and have kids, you can’t run before you walk. You have to date first otherwise it will feel transactional. Similarly, going on a coffee date or video date can feel too dull and boring and may make it hard for the two of you to build a connection.

You can’t rush dating but you should cut things off sooner than later if people lead you on. There is a fine line between being efficient and setting boundaries. Just because a first date went well doesn’t mean your date didn’t go on better dates with others, google’d you or found discrepancies in your offline version of you.

Related read: Dating Is A Full-Time Job, First Date Felt Like An Interview


Ghosted After Sleeping With Someone After First Date, Ghosted After First Date

Some people will do or say anything to sleep with you. Love-bombing, long dates, acts of kindness and grand gestures are all the ways people mislead others and their intentions.

Even if a person genuinely likes you and is interested in something meaningful and long-term, sleeping with them too soon can give pause and make them wonder how many people you have slept with and if you sleep with people after a first date often.

There is no perfect way to navigate this dilemma other than taking time to get to know someone and letting them out themselves over time. Dating is a journey not an ordering app.


Should You Go On A Second Date Or Not? Signs He/She Wants A Second Date

One should only go a second date if they are interested in learning more about the other person and the other person makes the effort to want to see you again. Don’t go on a second date if you are lonely or don’t have plans.

Go on a second date only if you think the other person has the same intentions and values as you. Don’t go on a second date hoping the other person will change or correct bad behavior. Most people are on their best behavior on date #1.


Who Should Initiate The Second Date: Second Date Advice

Life is too short. So many relationships never start because both people were too shy nervous to make the first move.

Don’t waste your time on people who don’t put in effort but also don’t stand by idle and wait for someone to ask you out. Some people might have read you wrong or vice-versa. Trust your gut. If you like someone and they like you, ask them out vs trying to figure out etiquette around who should initiate the second date.


When Should A Guy Ask For A Second Date? When To Ask For A Second Date?

At the end of the first date.


Second Date Ideas, Second Date Tips

Second dates come with a bit more confidence but also higher stakes. Unlike first dates, you know what the person looks like, how they dress, and how they speak.

Second date ideas should up the ante and allow for more connection and discovery between people. Second date ideas should typically be longer than the expected 30-minute first date but not assume too much.


Why Do I Never Want A Second Date

Not everyone dates with the purpose of wanting a relationship or even hooking up. Some people are bored, curious or looking to make friends.

Some people just want a distraction from their lives. There are also people that want to talk to a stranger or see what’s out there. Some don’t want a connection and want one date, that’s it.

Some people are afraid of being hurt or dumped and thus end things or ghost after one date to avoid any further contact or expectation. Regardless of the situation, don’t invest yourself in a stranger too quickly nor make assumptions about someone you just met.


Signs There Will Be No Second Date, Lots Of First Dates No Second Dates

Lack of followup after the first date. Lack of enthusiasm during first date. No discussion of future plans on the first date. Lack of questions and curiosity during first date. Weak goodbye at the end of the first date. No, thank you text after first date (to thank them for their time).

Surprise reaction to seeing you on first date (likely due to using old photos or photos that don’t look like you). Lazy first date idea. Ending the first date earlier than expected. These are signs there will be no second date.


Should Not Have Gone On The First Date To Begin With

It happens, you go on dates you aren’t enthusiastic about and it shows. You might have ignored red flags or lack or effort because you haven’t been on many dates and felt the need to add more to the top of the funnel.

Don’t worry about the volume of dates, focus on quality even if it means fewer dates. Work on your profile, photos, self so you can be more picky.


How To Get A Second Date, Tips For Second Date, How To Ask For A Second Date

If you are wondering how to get a second date, you will have to plan early. It doesn’t start after the first date. Expect second date auditions to start right when the first date starts. Talk about events or things coming up locally during the first date and gauge interest indirectly.

Be enthusiastic and yourself during the first date. Open up during first date and put yourself out there instead of playing it safe on the first date.

Many people might ask out the person at the end of the first date if it is obvious they want to see each other again but other times, it might be later than night or the next morning or day after you have time to process things.

With that said, sometimes people are on a high after a date and will say yes on the spot, but change their mind after they have had time to think things through. People have a right to change their mind and not everyone is ready to date.



First Date Went Well But No Second Date; Great First Date But Haven’t Heard From Him

Sometimes it’s not you, it’s them. Sometimes they are not ready to date or maybe they found something out about you after the date i.e. background check.

Maybe they were being polite and enjoying the date but are not interested in you (people have the right to enjoy dates but not be romantically interested in you).


How To Say No To A Second Date, How To Turn Down A Second Date

How to say no to a second date can feel awkward at best and stressful and uncomfortable or even worst. Not everyone is comfortable rejecting someone in person, in the moment. Similarly, not everyone feels the same way at the end of the date as they do the next day. It’s ok to say no to a second date even if the first date went well.

Some women fear for their safety if a guy takes rejection the wrong way (it happens often enough where some women would rather avoid confrontation in person – it’s normal).

Saying something like I appreciate our date and had a good time but I wasn’t feeling it or I am not interested in another date. Be direct, don’t let the other person make you double-guess your decision. No explanation needed.

Related read: Online Dating Rejection, Etiquette


How Many First Dates Lead To A Second Date, Percentage Of First Dates Lead To Second One?

That really depends on several factors. With dating apps, it’s less than dates where people met offline. The reason for that is that people use misleading photos, old photos or have not met in person yet. It also matters on date ideas, communication during date, how you dress, hygiene, grooming, eye contact, vocal intonation and more.

I would budget that around 20% of first dates lead to second dates. If you are experiencing far fewer second dates than this, might want to get feedback on your dating profile, photos, date ideas, attire and communication skills.

Stop overanalyzing these things. How many first dates lead to second dates and what percentage of first dates lead to second dates are things you should not be asking yourself or others. If you do, you will treat people like interchangeable commodities. Don’t do that. Do better.


How Long Between A First And Second Date, How Long To Wait To Ask For A Second Date

It could be that week or the following week, depending on schedules and availability. Communication is key. Being dodgy or too busy is never a good thing, as is being too available.

Set boundaries, be enthusiastic, but don’t overly invest yourself in strangers too quickly. Similarly, the longer you wait, the more time she has to go on dates with other guys.

How To Get Him To Ask You Out On A Second Date, Why Do Guys Never Want A Second Date

It starts with being a good first date. You can’t just make it happen all of a sudden. Not all good first dates end in second dates. A good first date can mean either or both of you figured it is not worth going out on a second date because of values, intentions, state of mind, priorities, lifestyles, personalities or lifestyle choices.

Just because you had a good first date doesn’t mean it will lead to a second date. Some guys are just friendly and polite, while others have options and can afford to be picky. Use the first date to create a reason for a second date but internalize rejection if it doesn’t happen.

Some guys are looking for a hookup and if they don’t get it, they move on. Do you really want a second date with that type of guy? Stand firm with your boundaries. Stop asking yourself why do guys never want a second date. Your goal is to date those that want to date you not wonder about those that don’t.


What To Talk About On A Second Date, Second Date Advice For Guys

Second dates should be a bit more vulnerable, candid. Many people have first date jitters which is normal but ideally you should learn more about your date the second time around.

Changing venues, date types, and seeing how they interact with others, react to opinions and talk about the world around them will be key to making the most out of second dates.


What Does A Second Date Mean To A Guy, Second Date Expectations

It can mean anything. Stop generalizing people. Similarly, set your boundaries and don’t budge for strangers. If you have any doubt about him, don’t go on a second date. The purpose of a 2nd date is to figure out if you want to go on a third date with the person.


Should You Go On A Second Date If Not Attracted? If You Are Unsure?

Yes, absolutely but only if the other person asks you out, the person’s intentions sync up with yours, there are no glaring red flags and if the person didn’t break any of your deal-breakers (note I didn’t say preferences).

As for attraction, people may not always put too much effort into a first date, some people clean up better after they are confident after a first date. There has to be some attraction but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming or absolute.

How Long To Wait For A Second Date? 

The longer you wait, the less likely you will get a second date. The other person may think you are too busy to date, are not interested, have bad manners or are on the fence about seeing them again.


How To Get A Second Date With A Guy

-Be present, be interested and have fun.

-Understand it’s not always about you (he has options).

-Sleeping with a guy will not make him want to go on a second date with you.

-Give him a reason to see you (make him laugh, smile).

-Look like your photos.

-Dress up for the occasion.

How To Get A Second Date With A Girl

-Be present, be on time, ask questions, be enthusiastic.

-Look like your photos, show interest but don’t be creepy.

-Make it obvious you want to see her again.

-Make eye contact, be vulnerable, treat staff, servers well.

-Don’t wait too long to ask her out again. Ask her out at the end of the first date or at least send a note that night stating you enjoyed the date and want to see her. Have concrete plans.

These are just the basics, more tips in my 1 on 1 coaching sessions below.


Signs She Doesn’t Want A Second Date, Signs He Doesn’t Want A Second Date

Doesn’t accept second-date offer. Cancels second date but doesn’t offer make-up dates/times or plans. Is reluctant to go on a second date with you and you try to convince them otherwise. They ask to let them think about it – they are either interested or not, this is not rocket science.


What To Do On A Second Date?

Figuring out what to do on a second date can be stressful in that you know you got the first date so the pressure is on to meet/exceed that. What to do on a second date will depend on what you did on the first date, what you discussed on the first date and what your interests, hobbies and lifestyle choices are.

In my coaching sessions I will help you figure out why you are not getting second dates, what to do on second dates and how to read people while on dates.


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About Eddie Hernandez

Eddie is a dating coach for men & women in San Francisco (clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, & beyond ), as seen in the NYT & Bumble). He helps w/ profiles, photos, wardrobe, messaging, date ideas, red flags, lifestyle choices, hobbies, grooming/hygiene, communication, social skills & offline efforts.