Not Getting Second Dates, Should You Go On Second Dates, When To Ask For A Second Date, Signs There Will Be No Second Dates, Second Date Advice, Ideas, Tips
Online dating can be fun, but it can also be frustrating. Mixed signals, bad timing, interpretation of dates and poor communication can make dating exhausting and at times miserable.
Even if you are able to get past lazy first lines like hi, hey and get matches on go on dates, there is no guarantee it will be smooth sailing after that.
If you find yourself getting a fair amount of first dates but hardly getting second dates, it could be a number of reasons holding you back from advancing beyond the initial meeting. Is he/she interested after the first date?
Getting ghosted is awful but hopefully being more aware will reduce those situations. Below are some of the main reasons people have failed to obtain second dates after going on successful first dates.
Related read: He’s Just Not That Into You
Signs Of A Good First Date, Signs A First Date Went Well
Before you start wondering why seconds dates are elusive, it’s important to understand what happened on a first date. A great first date usually entails a second date but not always. A good first date is also one where you know definitely that you don’t want to see the person again.
There are lots of deception and unknowns on first dates so being efficient is key to avoid wasting weeks or months to figure out something that should have been known after date #1.
Even if a first date goes longer than expected, involves some touching or even ends in a kiss, that doesn’t mean there will be a second date.
Sometimes people want to go on a date and that’s it. Not wanting to be alone, wanting to feel wanted, needing a distraction or wanting to meet someone new with no expectations might be all that is to be had on a first date.
Even if someone is looking to date and find a relationship, they are also likely going on dates with others so timing is important. Your date has nothing to do with their previous date or subsequent date.
If your date agrees to a second date at the end of the first date, that doesn’t mean much as people can change their mind or they prefer not to reject you in person out of fear, safety or awkwardness (few people have the courage to reject someone face to face).
Related read: First Date Etiquette, Expectations
Why Am I Not Getting Asked On Second Dates, Why Hasn’t He Asked Me Out On A Second Date
Often times, I hear from people that they had a great time on a first date and that their date did as well, but then things end abruptly. One should never assume anything when meeting a stranger for the first time.
Some people underestimate the time, effort needed to date. Others realize they are jumping into the dating pool too quickly after a break up. A few people live in the moment but then can have doubts after thinking things over.
Don’t ignore possible deal-breakers like location, age, religion, politics, job, lifestyle choices etc. Some people might be ok with some things at first but change their mind after some thought.
There are so many variables at play when it comes to first dates that most people forget to account for all the items below. Similarly, the date might have been fine but he might not be that into you as much as you think.
Some people are naturally upbeat, positive and friendly and too often people misread signs or fail to reciprocate signals.
Related read: Online Dating Rejection
Online Dating Photos Don’t Look Like You: Online Dating No Second Dates
The biggest reason why most first dates don’t lead to second dates are photos. Many people are biased about themselves and their looks.
Just because a date sticks around through the end of a first date doesn’t mean they are attracted to you, had a great time, nor want to see you. Laughing at your jokes, ordering a second drink, asking questions about your life means nothing.
Many women can be scared or nervous about confronting someone about their looks. Some guys don’t want to be mean about confronting a girl about using old photos, filters or slimming effects on photos.
If the photos on your dating profile don’t all look like you now, you can be deceiving others and that is not recommended. Using old photos or photos of different hairstyles, hair colors, facial hair and baldness can be enough to mislead people. Don’t do that.
Related read: How To Report People For Offline Behavior
First Date Was Boring, Dull. First Date Didn’t Go So Well – Why A Guy Would Not Want A Second Date
If you pick a first date that is rather boring, repetitive, the other person has reason to believe that date #2 will not be much different from the first.
There are too many coffee dates to be had and over time, those can become boring, repetitive, predictable and low-energy.
Yes, covid has made date options more challenging, limited, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to make dates fun, unique. Even if a first date is fun, your second date needs to show effort and either be well-thought-out, show a different side of you or not be too dull.
Did Not Make It Obvious You Wanted A Second Date – Why Girls Don’t Want A Second Date
If you had a good time on a date, it’s possible the other person does not know that. Not everyone has the ability to read others effectively. Some need more assurance about your feelings in order to feel confident and wanted.
Knowing the other person’t love language can be helpful, but first dates are generally too early to figure that out. If you wait until the end of the date to make it known how you feel about your date, it can be too late. Make it known earlier about how you are feeling about the other person.
Following Up After A First Date: Signs He or She Is Interested After A First Date
If you don’t follow up after a first date, that shows lack of effort, interest. One should always follow up after a first date regardless if a second date is on the horizon unless the date was awful, and the person was a creep or the person lied to you.
How exactly to follow up will vary based on the date, timing, and next steps if any but I will go over that in our coaching sessions so you have a better understanding of how to read people and situations.
Related read: Communication etiquette
Did Not Ask For A Second Date At The End Of The First Date – Signs Of A Bad First Date
Some people want to get a feel about what the other person felt before committing to a second date. If you are too insecure about making your feelings known for someone and asking them out on a date, you will struggle with dating in general.
Self-awareness, ability to read people and putting yourself out there is key to have success while dating. Waiting until after a date or the next day to inquire about a second date is too long. It makes the other person feel like you are not sure about whether you like them or not.
Related read: Online Dating Ghosting – When Is It Ok To Ghost After A First Date
The Other Person Met Someone Else, Date Is Dating Someone Else
When it comes to dating, people fail to realize that there is a likely chance the person they are on a date with might be going on dates with other people and might also be further along on dates as well.
Don’t assume you are dating in a silo – assume there are others, competition. Don’t get down on yourself when you don’t get beyond a first date as it might not be all about you.
Internalizing everything is one way to get down on yourself which can be bad for mental health. Chalk it up to bad timing every now and then.
Related read: Harsh Reality of Online Dating
Your Date Is Not Ready To Date, Signs You Are Not Ready To Date
Naturally, if you go on enough dates, you will come across people who have no business being on dating apps because they are not ready to date. You can tell this if the person is lonely or depressed or is getting over a breakup.
These people are time-wasters and you are not their therapist or penpal. Don’t waste your time thinking you can turn these people around and make them ready to date and fall for you.
Some people need to work on themselves before they can date again and you shouldn’t expect this to happen anytime soon or at all.
Related read: Signs You Are Not Ready To Date
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You Were Too Forward, Creepy On First Date
Even if the other person is into you, that doesn’t mean anything is guaranteed. Girls will talk to their friends and get feedback on dates and if you get too comfortable or too handsy on a first date, you can sabotage any and all momentum you had acquired up until that point.
Similarly, one can botch any chances of a second date by the way they end the first date or an inappropriate text after the first date. Tread lightly and don’t be creepy.
Background Checks On Potential Dates, Matches
Some women do a background check after a first date so don’t assume you are in the clear after date #1. Something unsavory can appear online that can ruin chances of a second date.
I offer background checks for clients who are uncertain about a date they went on. Just because you made it past the first round of backgrounds checks by your date, don’t assume you can get past someone like me who does this for a living.
Date Lied About Age, Location, Job, Pet Or Marital Status
It happens, but unfortunately some people are not always truthful about themselves in their profile.
Some people say they are divorced when they have barely been separated for a few months while others lie about their location and say they live closer to city than they actually do to avoid being outside a radius on dating apps.
Others lie about being employed or having pets (hello dog-fishing). If you lie about small things early on, what else are you lying about? Be honest, be truthful.
First Date Felt Like An Interview
Treating a date like an interview is a great way to guarantee that you won’t get a second date. Dates are supposed to be fun. The whole purpose of a date is to learn about each other in a casual, relaxed manner. Trying to speed things up too quickly can kill the mood and make it feel like work.
Even if you are looking to settle down soon, get married and have kids, you can’t run before you walk. You have to date first otherwise it will feel transactional.
You can’t rush dating but you should cut things off sooner than later if people lead you on. There is a fine line between being efficient and setting boundaries.
Ghosted After Sleeping With Someone After First Date, Ghosted After First Date
Some people will do or say anything to sleep with you. Love-bombing, long dates, acts of kindness and grand gestures are all the ways people mislead others and their intentions.
Even if a person genuinely likes you and is interested in something meaningful and long-term, sleeping with them too soon can give pause and make them wonder how many people you have slept with and if you sleep with people after a first date often.
There is no perfect way to navigate this dilemma other than taking time to get to know someone and letting them out themselves over time. Dating is a journey not an ordering app.
Should You Go On A Second Date Or Not? Signs He/She Wants A Second Date, Should I Go On A Second Date?
One should only go a second date if they are interested in learning more about the other person and the other person makes the effort to want to see you again. Don’t go on a second date if you are lonely or don’t have plans.
Go on a second date only if you think the other person has the same intentions and values as you. Don’t go on a second date hoping the other person will change or correct bad behavior. Most people are on their best behavior on date #1.
Who Should Initiate The Second Date: Second Date Advice
Life is too short. So many relationships never start because both people were too shy nervous to make the first move.
Don’t waste your time on people who don’t put in effort but also don’t stand by idle and wait for someone to ask you out. Some people might have read you wrong or vice-versa. Trust your gut.
When Should A Guy Ask For A Second Date?
At the end of the first date.
Second Date Ideas, Second Date Tips
Second dates come with a bit more confidence but also higher stakes. Unlike first dates, you know what the person looks like, how they dress, and how they speak.
Second date ideas should up the ante and allow for more connection and discovery between people. Second date ideas should typically be longer than the expected 30-minute first date but not assume too much.
Why Do I Never Want A Second Date
Not everyone dates with the purpose of wanting a relationship or even hooking up. Some people are bored, curious or looking to make friends.
Some people just want a distraction from their lives. There are also people that want to talk to a stranger or see what’s out there. Some don’t want a connection and want one date, that’s it.
Some people are afraid of being hurt or dumped and thus end things or ghost after one date to avoid any further contact or expectation. Regardless of the situation, don’t invest yourself in a stranger too quickly nor make assumptions about someone you just met.
Signs There Will Be No Second Date
Lack of followup after the first date. Lack of enthusiasm during first date. No discussion of future plans on the first date. Lack of questions and curiosity during first date. Weak goodbye at the end of the first date. No, thank you text after first date (to thank them for their time).
Surprise reaction to seeing you on first date (likely due to using old photos or photos that don’t look like you). Lazy first date idea. Ending the first date earlier than expected.
Should Not Have Gone On The First Date To Begin With
It happens, you go on dates your aren’t enthusiastic about and it shows. You might have ignored red flags or lack or effort because you haven’t been on many dates and felt the need to add more to the top of the funnel.
Don’t worry about the volume of dates, focus on quality even if it means fewer dates. Work on your profile, photos, self so you can be more picky.
How To Get A Second Date, Tips For Second Date
It doesn’t start after the first date. Expect second date auditions to start right when the first date starts.
Talk about events or things coming up locally during the first date and guage interest indirectly.
Be enthusiastic and yourself during the first date. Open up during first date and put yourself out there instead of playing it safe on the first date.
First Date Went Well But No Second Date
Sometimes it’s not you, it’s them. Sometimes they are not ready to date or maybe they found something out about you after the date i.e. background check. Maybe they were being polite and enjoying the date but are not interested in you (people have the right to enjoy dates but not be romantically interested in you).
How To Say No To A Second Date, How To Turn Down A Second Date
Not everyone is comfortable with rejecting someone in person, in the moment. Similarly, not everyone feels the same way at the end of the date as they do the next day. It’s ok to say no to a second date even if the first date went well.
Some women fear for their safety if a guy takes rejection the wrong way (it happens often enough where some women would rather avoid confrontation in person – it’s normal).
Saying something like I appreciate our date and had a good time but I wasn’t feeling it or I am not interested in another date. Be direct, don’t let the other person make you double-guess your decision. No explanation needed.
Related read: Online Dating Rejection, Etiquette
What To Talk About On A Second Date
Second dates should be a bit more vulnerable, candid. Many people have first date jitters which is normal but ideally you should learn more about your date the second time around. Changing venues, date types, and seeing how they interact with others, react to opinions and talk about the world around them will be key to making the most out of second dates.
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Additional Reading: First Date Tips, Ideas & Etiquette, Good First Date Ideas, 2nd Date Ideas, How To Ask For A 2nd Date, Second Date Expectations, Second Date Advice For Men, Women, What To Do
Online Dating Messaging Etiquette – Dating App Conversation Etiquette
How To Keep The Conversation Going On Dating Apps – How To Chat On Dating Sites
Online Dating Conversation Starters – Dating App Openers, First Messages
Online Dating Red Flags – Dating App Red Flags In Profiles, Messages
Best Dating Apps For Women – Best Dating Sites For Women
How To Meet People Offline, In Real Life, Naturally – Alternatives To Dating Apps
Date Ideas: San Francisco, Chicago, New York & More To Come…
Biggest Mistakes Guys Make On Dating Sites – Common Mistakes Guys Make On Dating Apps
Rejection Etiquette On Dating Apps – Dating App Rejection On Bumble, Hinge
Online Dating Anxiety – Dating App Anxiety
He’s Just Not That Into You – Signs He’s Not Interested In You
Ghosting On Dating Apps (Why Do I Keep Getting Ghosted On Dating Apps)
About Eddie Hernandez
Eddie Hernandez is a dating consultant for men & women and a professional photographer based in San Francisco, servicing clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, and beyond as seen in the NYT, WSJ, SFGate, ABC7News & more.
Previously an analytics professional and user of dating apps himself, he possesses unique insight into the inner workings of dating apps and user behavior. He provides guidance around app choice, bio optimization, messaging techniques, wardrobe advice, image consulting, date planning, screening profiles, ID'ing red flags, and offline techniques for meeting people organically.
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