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One of the biggest mistakes guys (and girls too) make on dating apps are poor first messages on dating sites like Hinge, Match & Bumble. Women often take this as a sign that you are not into them enough by using the bare minimum effort in a greeting.
Keep on reading to learn why these are poor conversation starters and learn how to engage in more thoughtful conversations to help you get more dates, better dates.
Related read: How To Respond To Hey On Bumble, Hi On Hinge
On apps like Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel, users have the ability to send a comment along with a like to the recipient, increasing their chances for a match and reply.
CMB suggests comments can lead to a 25% increase in connections than mere likes alone. In a numbers game, one must optimize on all fronts and do whatever they can to improve these statistics.
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With that said, some thought and effort has to be put into opening lines for this stat to become relevant, accurate. The amount of one word opening lines is on the rise… Hi, Hey, Hello or if you are lucky two words — What’s up, Hello there etc.
No other words in online dating are anti-climatic than these right here. No other words are worst for response rates on dating apps (12% to be exact and that includes and inflated by models and attractive people).
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Men have been notorious for this behavior for years and with the rise of Bumble (the anti-Tinder) women have fallen into the same habits that have been condemned for years.
My general rule of thumb is that online dating apps are merely a means of introduction and are still governed by the same old rules chivalry and common decency as offline approaches. This goes true for opening lines.
If you are a man who says hi to a cute girl at the grocery store and says nothing more, that would be awkward. Same goes for online dating sites and apps. So why would you open up a conversation with so few, effortless words?
Sure, this is marginally better than what are you wearing or send nudes but doesn’t mean you will get anywhere. Most girls get bombarded with likes and messages and seeing the same opening lines over and over again makes it hard to separate yourself from the competition.
Short opening lines like this are what I call low effort. Low effort is associated with laziness, indifference.
I am not advocating that people pour out their life story, exude every emotion out there or even try to use a suave pickup line, but what I am advocating is to put some more thought and effort into your opening lines.
Apps like Bumble exacerbate the issue even more with a 24-hour window for women to message men forcing them to type something, ANYTHING, before the time winds down — like Cinderella’s countdown to midnight but far less romantic.
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Asking how your morning, day, weekend, week is the next set of most overly used lines ever. It’s not a good line to use in the workplace so why use it on dating apps? Might as well ask how the weather is, what are you eating, what do you do, where do you work or why did you swipe right on me.
Lame questions like this often receive lame answers like great/fine, yours? Often times people ask these questions because there is little to nothing to go by in a bio, others times the people are lazy or lack creativity.
Instead, try to engage with your match, try to learn more about them and build a connection with them. https://eddie-hernandez.com/dating-app-conversation-starters/
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My advice: You don’t. These are lazy, low-effort lines that don’t deserve a response. Most people who will respond are either looking for a hookup, looking for attention, seeing how much control they can exert over you or don’t have much success on dating apps.
An initial average response time can be 2-3 days or longer for a reply. After that, reply time on dating apps should be same day or next morning depending on the person’s schedule, communication, etc.
My advice is to focus on those that match your effort, energy, etiquette and responsiveness. If you don’t have the luxury to be that picky, work on your profile, app choice, photos, smiles, wardrobe, posture, captions, prompts and first lines. If that doesn’t work, I recommend answering the introductory message like this.
Example #1: Hi (insert name), just here waiting for my bread to finally rise. How are you?
Example #2: Hello there (insert name), I have no pets in my photo, did you accidentally swipe right on me?
Example #3: Hi (insert name), did you swipe right on me so you can submit my profile photo to Midtown Uniform IG account?
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It’s not necessary to reply to messages especially if you feel threatened, the effort is poor, or you discovered that the person is lying about themselves online i.e. age, location, martial status etc.
More on that here.
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When in doubt, ask about a photo, mention something in the bio or even the classic Hi, I never asked you, do you like guacamole is a thousand times better than hi, what’s up or hey.
Just because apps nudge people to make moves more quickly than they are typically comfortable with does not provide an excuse for such lame, short opening messages.
There is plenty of competition out there and if you don’t come up with something more thoughtful, creative or charming someone else will, and they are a swipe away.
Similarly, men should expect that a woman may or may not be 100% comfortable making the first move. Most women are attracted to Bumble because of the verified accounts, less spam messages etc. but they are not necessarily confident in the first message.
Rather than act underwhelmed or deflated from an intro message, give the women a chance to warm up. If the conversation continues to be short, one-sided then move on. Depending on the app, some lines are more effective than others.
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It depends on the type of compliment, namely if it’s based on looks or something else. Commenting on looks from the start can be a red flag for most people and not uncommon to ignore.
If the compliment is about style, activities, hobbies etc. you can elaborate on the photo/answer to prompt and even reply with a follow-up related question.
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If it is the first message sent, you can ignore.
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You don’t. It’s a lazy, effortless message that was copied and pasted. Lazy messages don’t require a response.
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You can, but it’s lazy. If you are not attractive enough, it might not get you anywhere, unfortunately.
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Use more words, expand on Hi with a comment, opinion and a follow-up question.
Is Hey What’s Up A Good Conversation Starter? Copy And Paste Messages For Dating Sites, Hinge Openers
Is hey, what’s up a good conversation starter? No, it’s not. It’s lazy.
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If it is the first message sent, you can ignore. This is a lazy question that has likely been asked more than any other. Similarly, asking about how is your day, week, weekend, quarantine etc. is likely easily as boring, thoughtless and has not shown you read a profile.
Focus on more unique questions and people who have clearly personalized opening lines and questions to you rather than a simple copy and paste.
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It’s a more pathetic attempt to sound unique vs using hey alone. In other words, it’s a low effort salutation.
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You don’t, you move on and focus on those that put more thought and effort.
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Don’t answer, lame first question. Move on.
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The only thing as bad as hi and hey are using generic lines like how is your week, how is your day, how is your weekend going. These are boring, low-effort communication lines. Be original. Show some effort.
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Don’t bother responding. Move on, unmatch if you have to. If the conversation is going down this rabbit hole, you are either talking to a dry texter, a penpal or someone who will never ask you out (quickly enough).
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That depends on the person, everyone is different. Similarly, with good photos, prompts, bios lifestyle choices, grooming, hygiene, etc, it doesn’t matter what you say.
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About Eddie Hernandez
Eddie is a dating coach for men & women in San Francisco (clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, & beyond ), as seen in the NYT & Bumble). He has insight into algorithms as well as a keen understanding of dating cultures across locations, demographics, and orientations.
He helps with profiles, photos, wardrobe, messaging, date ideas, red flags, lifestyle choices, hobbies, grooming/hygiene, communication, social skills & where to meet singles. Whether you are a POC, short guy, introvert, engineer, or just struggling with dating, he can help you be efficient & strategic.
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