Dating Advice: Signs He Is Not That Into You: How To Tell If He Is Boyfriend Material, Husband Material. Is The Guy You Met Online Serious About You. Is He Interested?
It’s very tempting to jump into the deep end and immerse yourself with dating apps or dating in general. It’s easy to focus on superficial items like looks, height, education and career and go with the flow, but one shouldn’t assume a guy is on the same page as you or that he will change.
Failing to qualify a guy beyond the resume-type characteristics is something that happens to often in relationships. Below are signs he’s not into you so you can learn to be more efficient iny our dating approaches and focus your time on those that match your effort, enthusiasm, etiquette, responsiveness and intentions.
He’s Not That Into You: Signs He Is Not Interested In You
The items below are not meant to serve as a checklist but rather a constant reminder to check in and see if your needs are being met.
Things change over time and people change too with life decisions, major crossroads at work, life or through the years (holidays, family, financial stability, jobs etc.). Here are some signs he’s not that into you.
Why Do Guys Match And Not Message
Some guys swipe on everyone or only focus on matches they are most interested in – simple as that. Some guys swipe right on girls they are not interested in dating but maybe hooking up with. Don’t assume anything.
Dating Advice For Women: How To Navigate The Dating World Successfully
A number of women are fine taking things as they are, enjoying the honeymoon stages of dating, but are a bit hesitant to ask the tough questions or confront a partner about difficult conversations that could jeopardize relationships.
While it’s great when relationships happen organically and two people are in sync, it rarely happens this easily and sometime involves more work than what your friends tend to suggest.
There is no perfect formula nor fool-proof method to determine if a relationship will work or if the guy is as genuine as he implies or suggests he is, but there are some ways you can start to determine if things are heading down the right path. Being a passenger in your life can sometimes mean going in a direction you are not happy with or stalling indefinitely with no destination in sight.
One-Sided Conversations, Doesn’t Match Responsiveness, Doesn’t Initiate Messages
The classic excuse a guy gives for not wanting to text or call is that he doesn’t like doing so and would rather meet in person. That is fine but use that as a possible red flag while dating. Texting is not about being crafty or witty as it is being timely, thoughtful, honest and candid.
Only messaging when it’s a reply to something you started or failing to ask questions that aim to know you better are signs he is looking for something more superficial or is just lazy.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Most guys talk to more than one girl at a time, so should women. Don’t chase guys that don’t make an effort to prioritize you. It’s your job to seduce as it is his job to chase if you believe in those social norms.
Similarly, if you fail to make the first move, you are subjecting yourself to being a passenger in your life. Guys like women who take the lead sometimes but be careful not to do it all the time.
Why Do Guys Stop Messaging On Bumble? Is He Still Interested?
If you are on the app long enough, you will encounter instances where guys simply stop messaging or unmatch. This could be for several reasons including: they don’t think you are eager to meet up, don’t think you are looking for something casual possibly, they met someone else, they were in town and left, or they thought you are only interested in being chat buddies.
Matches mean nothing! The idea is to get off apps sooner than later and go on dates. In most cases, people assume that to be a few days or few weeks at max.
Ambivalence, Indecisiveness, Goes With The Flow: Subtle Signs He Is Not Into You
Some guys are just drifters in life. They don’t have drive, don’t care for much about date ideas, what to do on the weekend, can’t make up their mind about what to order. There is nothing wrong with that but if that is a sticking point for you, learn to identify this behavior early on.
It’s ok to be open to ideas but one should be enthusiastic about experiencing something new with you rather than always letting you take the lead for dates, plans.
Signs He’s Not Interested After A First Date, He’s Clearly Not Interested
If a guy is interested, he will do all the things that are necessary to make it know he had fun, is interested in you and wants to see you again.
Don’t make assumptions or excuses. This is the biggest mistake women make when it comes to dating. How he treats you when things are fun, steamy vs known he will not get laid is a tell. There are more tells than just responsiveness, etiquette, manners, etc.
I don’t want to list out all the things and make it very obvious for guys to pretend/fake their way through this part of the dating process so I break these down for clients one on one to make sure they are coming off authentically but also make it easier for women to fall less for false positives.
Signs He’s Just Not That Into You: He Doesn’t Prioritize You, Doesn’t Make Plans
If he continually makes plans last minute or is unable to plan dates with you in advance, take note. You shouldn’t put your life on hold for someone you just started dating. Yes, you should try to make an effort for someone you like but don’t always be so open, available.
Continue to live your life – make plans with friends, keep up with work connections, exercise, make time for family etc. but don’t put your life on hold waiting to see if/when he is available to hang out with you.
If he is interested, he will make time for you and make it known even if it’s a short date, meeting you at your lunch break or just dropping off something just to see you, he will make the effort if he is interested. If he throws a fit because you can’t spend the night or you can’t stay out late because of plans the next morning, take note.
Dates Are Superficial, Often Physical, Lack Substance, Depth
Physical touch and sexual compatibility is key in relationships but if most of your dates are more physical in nature rather than substantive, this could be a red flag in a relationship. Relationships require growth, connections, experiences and time to get to know each other. People learn the most about each other over meals, travel, living together and difficult situations.
If your whole focus is on fun, IG-worthy dates that is perfectly fine but you are depriving yourself of learning more about the guy you are dating and finding out if he is husband material, father material or capable of personal growth.
Keep Parts Of His Life Separate From You, Changes Subject Often
If you are dating someone who lives far away, travels often for work or is unavailable for large periods of time, take note. While it might be nice to have space and time for yourself, it could be sighs of red flags while dating. Some guys use distance and busy lifestyles to avoid commitment or hide other parts of their lives from you.
Reluctance to go out on dates in public, meets friends and family, take photos together, post on social media or be vague about life, plans, or people he hangs around with could be a sign of infidelity. Someone who is unable to be open about how they spend their time or lacks details into their lives can be trying to hide something from you.
Part-time relationships are easy, convenient but often lack room for growth as these are mostly filled with physical, intense moments and lack time and substance to get to know someone intimately.
Assuming Too Much Of The Person You Are Dating, Not Wanting The Same Things As You
Just because the person you are dating wants exclusivity right away, took you on a destination vacation early on, is introducing you to friends doesn’t mean they want to settle down, get married or have kids. These are great signs but one shouldn’t imply much of acts like they that don’t require much consideration. Money or public displays of affection often times don’t require much effort or commitment.
Sometimes it’s the little things like remembering details, coordinating birthday plans with your friends, asking about your family, being willing to spend time with your niece and nephew or willing to give up a day of watching college football to show some effort beyond a quick trip purchase or weekend getaway. Discussing plans, priorities, aspirations or even simple things like if he is looking to stay in the current location indefinitely or long-term can signal other plans.
Similarly, maybe the person can’t have kids or loves kids but doesn’t want them or is prioritizing a career rather than a relationship or family-planning. Sometimes signals can be confusing even without any deception, so it’s important to be clear with your intention and plans rather than assume all the early signs point to the same end goal you have in mind.
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Hoping He Will Change, Not Ending Things Soon Enough, Sunk Costs
Investing years of your life in a relationship can take an emotional toll and create feelings of chemistry, intent and compatibility and shared priorities, but time spent is not always a good proxy for future success, commitment.
Some guys will go with the flow indefinitely or get too comfortable as is in a relationship. Before you know it 2, 5, 10 years will pass and things are exactly as they are when you first started dating. That is fine for some but may not be for you.
Hoping a guy will change because he is deeply in love with you is a bad expectation to have as the two are not always compatible. It’s quite possible a guy is madly in love with you and does all the right things but merely doesn’t want to get married, nor move in together, nor have kids nor want to progress in any sort of way. There is nothing wrong with that unless the person has stated otherwise or fails to follow up on promises.
The thought of being single again for some women is sometimes less desirable than staying with someone who is wrong for you. This could be driven by financial dependency (getting use to a lifestyle is above your means on your own) or social dependency (all your friends are from his friends). This could be accidental, unintentional or could be a manipulation tactic with years of crafting.
He’s Only Telling You What You Want To Hear
Some guys will say anything to a woman to avoid confrontation, let down her guard, or build trust. If you are on a timeline for having a relationship, having a kid or getting married, it’s important to keep on that timeline rather than let things slide. Yes, it takes two to tango, but unfortunately some guys may not be as urgent as you for progressing in relationships.
It’s not uncommon for goals to be postponed for careers, salary targets or other ever-changing things in life. It’s not so much what happens in life that dictates if relationships will succeed but more so how people respond. Not so much with apologies but with plans, actions and continual preparation to achieve those goals.
A guy’s priorities, interests or objectives can change with certain milestones including first time sleeping together, first time traveling abroad, first time meeting in-laws, meeting friends, discussing long-term plans or getting a promotion or being fired from a job.
Difficult situations and conversations are a good way of getting a good read on someone as opposed to listening to what they want to say on their terms or when you are in a good mood, happy place.
Why Do I Get Attached To A Guy So Quickly? Reasons For Overly Investing Yourself In A Man
It can be for a number of reasons, but for some women, it might be that they don’t think they can be happy and when single or that being in a relationship is better than being alone even if it’s not a great relationship. For others, it can be traced to upbringing and structure in the home i.e. physical or emotional abandonment.
Often times, women get blinded by the resume aspects of a man i.e. job, charm, education, height, looks or people seem to like him etc and pre-qualify men too quickly before they have done anything to earn it. You are in charge of your own happiness, it doesn’t come from someone else. A balance of emotion and logic is needed to date successfully and evaluate relationships objectively.
Hitting the reset button can be difficult and starting over again being single, moving out, making new friends can be brutal but staying in a toxic, unhealthy relationship is worst. Even if the relationship feels great, it your intentions and goals for a home, kids are not being worked on, take a moment to reflect and see if this is something you are willing to forego in life.
How To Spot A Good Man On A Dating Site, How To Tell If He’s A Good Guy Online
It takes time, patience, self-awareness, luck and effort. It starts off with a great profile and signaling the right things (does it suggest you are wife/relationship material or just a fun date). Making the first move is key as great guys are in high demand.
Analyzing photos, communication skills, effort, enthusiasm and etiquette are key. It’s a soft skill many people lack, especially if they are too technical or analytical.
Knowing how to ID red flags is important. Many manipulators are smooth talkers and tell you what you want to hear. You shouldn’t overly invest yourself in strangers, nor pre-qualify guys based on a resume-like profile.
It takes time to learn about someone and know how the behave in various scenarios. You can’t rush this, unfortunately. It’s one of the biggest mistakes women make on dating sites. Dating apps are not ordering apps.
Once A Guys Loses Interest Can You Get Him Back?
Why would you? Have some dignity. Don’t chase people. Focus on those that match your effort, etiquette, enthusiasm, responsiveness.
He Stopped Talking To Me But Still Likes My Photos On Instagram, Social Media
Who cares? Liking photos on social media means absolutely nothing. Don’t let him occupy space in your head. Why haven’t you blocked him yet?
What Are You Looking For?
This is rather a thorny question, subject. If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer. If the guy doesn’t make it obvious what he wants with effort, plans, patience, focus and authenticity, it’s likely you two are not on the same page.
Signs He’s Husband Material
This is much harder to get a read on but with some awareness, patience and unbiased observations, you can gauge interest in exclusivity, marriage and kids.
Unfortunately this is not something you can hack or speed through. In my coaching sessions we’ll go over things to look out for, how to phrase things carefully as to not sound pushy or giving ultimatums but seek out general position on these matters first and then ideally timeframe.
Is He Interested Or Just Nice? Is He Interested After The First Date?
Just because someone is nice, doesn’t mean they are romantically interested in you. Some guys can lead women on because they are unaware of their actions or are just being nice.
In some cases, guys will play the field until they get interest from someone or decide to focus on those they are most interested in. Don’t rely on past or initial actions. Sustained levels of effort, interest are necessary.
Does He Like Me? Is He Interested Or Is He Just Flirting? Signs He’s Not Into You
Some guys like to flirt. They like the attention. This isn’t unique to men. Some women do it too. Some people like ego boosts or like attention. It could be that he needs a confidence boost. It could be that he is married. There are endless ways to assess ambiguous actions and words. Best thing you can do is take things slow, don’t pre-qualify guys before they have earned anything.
There is a fine line between being interested but patient vs wearing your heart on your sleeve. Nothing is wrong with the latter unless you don’t know how to develop thick skin and are unable to brush things off easily.
Signs He Is Husband Material (Signs He Is Not Into You)
Does he prioritize you? Does he follow through with his words with sustained actions? Has he met your family? Has he introduced you to his friends and family? Have you traveled together? Did he ask about being exclusive?
Is he hiding you from his friends? Does he accept who you are and does he inspire you to be a better person? Can you trust him? Do you share the same values? Do you want the same things in life? i.e. kids, living arrangements, marriage? Is he emotional available and matures?
There are many questions to ask and unfortunately these things take time. You can’t figure this out in a matter of days or weeks. It takes several months, even years possibly (i.e. holidays, spending time away with in-laws, major life decisions, cross-roads).
No Replies On Bumble, No Responses On Bumble
As I mentioned before, matches mean nothing. Some guys swipe right on everyone. Some swipe right more on Bumble because they are playing the odds for efficiency. Others swipe right more because they know not all women (matches) message them.
It’s a bad situation all around so best not to get too excited over a meaningless match. Focus on effort, etiquette and responsiveness.
Final Thoughts – Online Dating Frustration, Why Dating Apps Are Exhausting
Actions speak louder than words, but even actions are confusing. People have a right to change their minds and change priorities so it’s important to check in every so often to make sure people are on the same timeline as you. Making assumptions or not have deep conversations can allow for relationships to drift apart.
Communication is key in relationships and love is hard. You can’t approach it like an engineer and reverse-engineer a timeline that is precise. Life happens and it’s important to be honest with yourself and not become a passenger in your own life.
Dating requires patience, timing, self-awareness and effort. Dating apps give a false sense of efficiency and expectations. They are merely a discovery and introduction tool.
Signs A Woman Is Not That Into You
If you are always the one starting conversations, planning dates or trying to reschedule dates, she is not that into you.
Dating should be a balanced effort. It will never be 50/50, nor will it be balanced all the time but like a see-saw, there should be a convergence where people put in effort to meet each other closer to halfway.
Don’t be too available, set boundaries for days/times, set expectations that need confirmation to secure reservations, tickets.
If a guy is interested in you, he will make it know. Over and over again.
Dating Tips And Coaching For Women: How To Successfully Navigate The Dating World
Most women have enough good photos but fail to use their best photos or use photos that are too polished, filtered, photoshopped or fail to convey vulnerability. In addition to poor photo choices, lazy profiles, bios and introductory lines are a common theme I see as well.
The other biggest hurdle I see is a failure to screen profiles effectively, read people, be selective and ID red flags and manipulative traits in guys.
In my coaching services, I work with women to unlock these and other roadblocks that get in the way of meeting quality people, being ready to be open and vulnerable and knowing how to ID red flags and cut things off more quickly.
Don’t rely on biased feedback and advice from friends who look different than you and have different lifestlyes and preferences than you. Contact me today for a consultation.
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Additional Reading – How Can You Tell He’s Just Not That Into You, He’s Clearly Not Interested, Subtle Signs He’s Not Into You, He’s Just Not That Into Me, Is He Interested In Me, Online Dating Signs He’s Not Interested
Online Dating Resource Guide (studies, surveys, market research, books, podcasts & more)
About Eddie Hernandez
Eddie Hernandez is a dating consultant & professional photographer based in San Francisco, servicing clients in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago and beyond as featured in the NYTimes, SFGate, ABC7News, East Bay Express, Salon; contributor to Good Men Project, Plenty Of Fish and Meddle.
In addition to photos, he provides guidance around app choice, bio optimization, messaging techniques, wardrobe advice, date planning, screening profiles, ID'ing red flags, offline techniques for meeting people organically, naturally.
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