What is the Dating Culture in San Francisco Like? Is Dating in the Bay Area Hard For Men? Women? How To Meet Single People In The SF Bay Area & Silicon Valley
In the city where people love to complain about everything from scooters, to Uber/UPS blocking bike lanes, incorrect DoorDash orders, vests, nudists, delayed MUNI lines, price of avocado toast, lack of late night cafe culture, tourists to high rents, it’s no wonder that dating is at or near the top of people’s lists of gripes.
As a dating coach in San Francisco, (featured in the NYTimes & WSJ), I have seen it all when it comes to culture, gender ratios, lifestyles and frustrations with dating here in the Bay Area and beyond (see the San Francisco cliche dating profile here).
Having lived in LA & NYC allowed me to provide context and a bit of a gut check for men and women when it comes to understanding genders, geographical/transportation limitations, expectations, personalities, lifestyle choices, first impressions and communication styles.
If you are frustrated with dating in SF or are thinking about moving to another city, you will definitely want to keep on reading. For tips on how to meet people in SF be sure to read this post. For best restaurants with bar seating, check out this post.
For those considering hiring a matchmaking service, you’ll want to read this post first.
Related read: Dating In San Jose, Silicon Valley & Palo Alto
Single in San Francisco: San Francisco Dating Culture
Demanding work schedules, long commutes, San Francisco men who suffer from Peter Pan syndrome, guys who don’t approach women offline and a shortage of women are some of the most commonly referenced reasons for such frustration among single folks in San Francisco.
Dating in your 20’s, 30’s and 40’s starts to become similar yet harder over time. Some people evolve and better themselves yet do not know how to be vulnerable, dress well, be present, flirt nor plan a fun date while others lean on their achievements and profiles but are dull, uninteresting and socially awkward.
Even if you are in a relationship, meeting other couples in San Francisco can be tough.
Your job title, wealth, company where you work, number of Instagram followers are poor indicators for dating success. Relying on social circles for confirmation bias is a poor strategy.
Just because you are physically attractive doesn’t mean you have the personality, character and moral fiber to attract people of quality.
Many folks here in San Francisco have stunted emotional IQ’s and thus don’t know how to identify red flags and keep attracting the wrong people in their lives.
There are a number of trends that make dating in San Francisco harder than other places beyond just gender ratios (scroll down to view some male to female gender ratios by different regions in the Bay Area).
I am not here to repeat those familiar reasons, but rather explain some driving forces behind those factors, as well as introduce some additional reasons specifically related to the San Francisco Bay Area and Silicon Valley that contribute to this current ecosystem of frustration.
Read: Dating An Engineer
On Demand App Culture, Tech Culture & Dating Someone In Tech
No other city in the world is quite like San Francisco. It is not unheard of to commute for 2-3 hours a day to/from work; couple that with the technology hotbed of Silicon Valley, you get the perfect melting pot for on-demand culture.
Whether it is 2-3 hour commutes in private buses vs public transportation, need to be constantly on call or adhering to the work hard, play hard culture, employees are not only burning out more quickly, but they are having fewer opportunities for organic, spontaneous interactions with strangers.
There are on-demand apps for meals, lunch, dog-sitters, babysitters, snacks, coffee orders, hook-ups, cabs, restaurants, beauty services and more. If you are relying on apps for everything, that will severely stunt your social skills over time.
No more lunches outside the office, no more coffee breaks down the street, no more walking to the grocery store to meet that cute girl in the produce section, no more waiting at the bus stop.
Instead, you have people on their phones constantly, employees trapped in the office for longer periods of time, more folks with AirPods permanently lodged in their ears.
These subtle conveniences of on-site cafeterias, gyms, daycare, happy hours have greatly reduced interaction with casual strangers outside your office.
Employees at these large companies are feeling the pressure to work longer days and delay lifestyle decisions such as having kids (as evident in offering freezing eggs as a perk) or take reduced salaries in exchange for better work-life balance.
In San Francisco, free time is a luxury and people turn to apps to streamline their needs regularly, and it’s not just for necessities.
The ‘Have It Your Way’ options embedded in these apps enable people to feel that anything is available with just a few clicks and that definitely led to poor experiences and expectations on dating apps.
Read: Dating Someone In Tech
Dating Coach Services - Men & Women
First date ideas, wardrobe styling, places to meet singles, where to sit at bars & restaurants, body language, vocal intonation, eye contact, conversation skills, how to be more approachable, conversation starters, mock dates, and more.
-As seen in the NYT, WSJ & More
Online Dating Apps, San Francisco Bay Area: Best Dating Apps San Francisco, Bay Area Dating Apps
Match.com, the early pioneer of online dating, was (and still is) the worst culprit when it comes to unnecessary customization (filters for 7 body types, hair color, profession, associates degree vs some college, graduate degree vs PhD and more) – it has commoditized the dating population like no other.
Training individuals to segment users further down than what they would ordinarily offline is not helping people here in San Francisco.
Dating apps have also created another set of bad habits for people: false sense of security, identity and authenticity.
When you order a coffee from Philz from the app, you can be certain you are getting what you ordered. Apps like these are ordering apps whereas dating apps should be treated like introduction apps.
Dating apps are not designed to screen people, provide background checks nor verify intent and behavior – these aspects are up to users to figure out on their own through due diligence, Google/LinkedIn searches, questions, patience, communication and in person dates.
People are a bit too trusting of anonymous profiles and have forgotten how to read body language, yet to learn how to analyze photos, less likely to seek feedback from friends about dates from Tinder than the cute guy at the bar, and are more likely to focus on looks alone vs other cues when deciding whether to go out on a date with someone.
If one is lucky enough to meet a half-way decent person from a dating app, chances are that the date will be ruined by one or more of the individuals putting too much pressure too early on the other person on date #1.
Tailored filters and excessive customizations coupled with timing force people to make rushed decisions about the person you are sitting next to or in front of on a date “Is this my soulmate?” aka “Is this exactly what I ordered?” vs. “Do I like this person? Do I want to see him/her again” approach. Manage to find a significant other?
Next Read: Online Dating Apps San Francisco
Bay Area Lifestyle and Characteristics: Dating In The Bay Area, Silicon Valley
Unlike other parts of the country where the weather can expedite cuffing season during the cold months, the Bay Area has no shortage of climates, weekend trips and activities to keep people busy.
Ski trips to Tahoe, waterfall hikes to Alamere Falls, wine-tasting in Sonoma, camping in Yosemite, oyster binges at Hog Island – you start to get the idea.
There is plenty to do and no shortage of people to do these things with to keep you busy as a single person.
If you log onto a dating app, there is no shortage of travelers said dating apps – everyone has been to Iceland and Machu Picchu. Be it for work or pleasure, many folks in San Francisco are constantly traveling across the country or across the globe.
Fewer people actually live here full-time and companies like Airbnb have made it easier for folks to rent out their place on weekends and live elsewhere.
Even if you manage to stay in the city, there are endless activities to indulge a never grow up mindset from SantaCon, Folsom Street Fair, food trucks, weekend flip cup games, Frisbee Golf, Bay to Breakers, video game arcade bars and more.
There is always something going on every day in San Francisco that FOMO is evident in those unable to commit to plans beyond this weekend which makes planning dates impossible.
Who wants to give up a weekend away to go on a bad date? Who wants to be spotted on an awkward date by co-workers? Those who work in demanding tech and start-up jobs either don’t have the time to go on dates during the week after work or don’t want to give up their weekend of relaxing and getting caught up on chores, friends etc.
The other characteristic of San Francisco and the Bay Area that has hindered dating is geography, transportation and climate.
Cities like NYC and other major cities have greatly expanded dating diameters to cross rivers, boroughs and neighborhoods. It’s not uncommon for individuals to be overly selective and not date someone on the other side of Van Ness or Market streets.
Similarly, daily drop in temperature, tall hills and relaxed work cultures have led to people dressing too casually or heading home early because it is too cold or windy. A vest or pullover is considered dressing up in San Francisco these.
When was the last time you saw a guy in a suit that was not a bank teller or real estate agent. Women in dresses and heels – forget about it. You would be surprised how many heads you can turn if you dressed up like you did in NYC.
For my San Francisco date ideas, check out my list!.
Social Media, Insecurity and Mental Health Issues In Dating Apps
One cannot ignore all these contributing factors when it comes to dating – repeat flakiness, available time, fear of missing out, better options a swipe away, work pressure, cost of living, social awkwardness from lack of offline interactions, changing demographic of people with a shift to relying on algorithms and less on feeling and intuition – all of these things build up over time.
If you spend too much time on dating apps, get flustered with meeting people at bars or have trouble establishing a relationship, these things can begin to take a toll on your life.
It doesn’t help that your social media feed is filled with friend’s vacations, engagements, babies, etc. The constant comparisons can make one feel inadequately.
Apps have made it easier for folks to seek feedback on their photos via Photofeeler and Reddit.
Relying on a single subjective score from a stranger rather than working on one’s posture, seeking feedback on wardrobe from friends, getting a second opinion about the person at the bar from a friend and improving their eye contact and communication skills.
I call this the growth hacker mentality of dating – trying to hack the algorithms is a preferred approach vs. facing the harsh reality of dating apps, self-awareness and working on oneself.
Most of the people on dating apps have never had someone review their app choices, photos or bios. Whether it’s embarrassment, lack of friends or insecurity more and more people are having trouble being comfortable being in their own skin, asking for help and being vulnerable.
Read: Online Dating Resource Guide (Tips, Articles, Studies, Podcasts, Books & More)
Style, Wardrobe & Fashion: How To Stand Out In San Francisco
Vests, flip-flops, company t-shirts, cargo pants, northface fleece, uncombed hair – these are stereotypes about men in SF but it is observed every day in SF. Dressed up in SF consists of Bonobos, Allbirds, StitchFix, Banana Republic and Trunk Club.
When guys want to dress up, it often means dressing loudly and not elegantly and with sophistication and purpose but rather look at this person craving attention.
This goes for women as well. Lack of heels, sundresses, makeup and confidence that women who are used to receiving attention like in NYC are evident in San Francisco.
Weather, professions, hills – blame what you will but it’s hard for either gender to dress up for the other leading to the vicious downward cycle of entries in Midtown Uniform Hall of Fame.
To stand out in San Francisco, one has to get out of their comfort zone and be unique. First impressions are everything and dressing up like a post from Midtown Uniform will not get you noticed in San Francisco. Your body is a billboard, you can choose how or if to market who you are on a daily basis.
Dating in SF vs. NYC: San Francisco vs. New York City
There is a lot more eye candy in New York City. Better dressed men in suits, more attractive women in heels and summer dresses.
This is partly due to density, population but also industries (finance, law, fashion, advertising, media, real estate – mostly people facing industries that focus on having a public facing dimension for its customers).
It’s easy to meet people in NYC – everyone is out and about, later bar hours, much more extroverts in NYC, small apartments lead to more time in public and you are never alone in the city.
With that said, even though it’s easier to meet people it’s harder to date and stay in relationships in NYC because of temptation, fluidity of people coming and going as well as hustle mentality.
No one is dilly dallying in NYC – if you snooze you lose (passed on the streets, missed subway trains, ignored bar orders etc.). People are fighting for space at the intersections of every street so they don’t get stuck behind others. It’s a dog eat dog world in New York.
Is it easier to date in SF or NYC? That really depends on your lifestyle, what you seek, what you are willing to prioritize, how you dress and present yourself and how you take what you want. It’s all about evolving your skills to optimize for the environment and opportunities in front of you.
Read: Dating In NYC
Read: Dating In LA
Religion & Politics In Dating: San Francisco Singles
If you are conservative or even apolitical or religious, you are in the minority in SF.
Yes, it’s possible to date people outside religious and political lines but many people, especially these days, do not date people who fall in these buckets.
Leaving politics blank in a dating profile, you will get filtered by most people as they strongly identify with liberal politics here more than ever before. 5 years ago, people used the political filter far less than they do now.
Related read: Dating App Preferences, Filters & Deal-Breakers
Dating In Your 30s In San Francisco
Dating in your 30s can be brutal in SF. So many questions arise that you can’t put off any longer. Am I moving back home? Do I want kids? Should I end this relationship I am in that is not going anywhere but I feel comfortable in?
Most people can plan for job promotions, buying a home, etc but can’t plan for love, relationships and marriage the same way. Those things are more qualitative and can’t be rushed.
Most people want to date for a while and have fun before settling down rather than get hitched asap. If you treat dating like an interview or try to get someone to commit, it can come off as abrasive.
If you are serious about marriage and kids you should start dating with intent earlier in life to avoid stress, timing later on in life.
Sure there are examples of your friend getting married in their late 30s / early 40s after dating someone for 6 months but that is rare and they are likely really attractive, emotionally available, prioritize dating, settle for their partner or know how to screen profiles and read people well – these are rare exemptions, not the norm.
Even if you find the right person, things can change. Divorce happens. Moving to the burbs, having kids, becoming a single income family, spending more time with in-laws can add stress to relationships that didn’t exist before.
These are the types of questions you need to ask yourself when deciding if this person is the one? People do not get married in a bubble – things change and those items change the relationship.
Hookup Culture in San Francisco: Hookup Bars, Apps & More
Not everyone in San Francisco is looking to date, get into a relationship (or at least with you). Many people are bad at communication or commitment. They will take what they can get, categorize people as hookup material vs relationship material.
Others don’t know what they want or deal with anxiety and difficult conversations and situations makes it hard for them to move past casual flings. Similarly some bars and dating apps cater to hookups rather than something more serious.
Read: Is Bumble A Hookup App?
Best Dating Apps In The Bay Area, San Francisco Dating Sites, San Francisco Dating Services, San Francisco Dating Apps
Hinge – Most popular app for 25-50 year olds. Bad photos, messages and bios can lead to getting unfavorable profiles being shown to you via their algorithm.
Bumble – Ideal for late 20s – 50 year olds. Great for professionals and those in more tech, law, finance, or other advanced degree fields. Lack of bio or prompts will signal lack of effort and narcissism or ambivalence.
The League – For those focusing on professional backgrounds first and foremost. Exclusive dating app with a waitlist. Requires Linkedin verification but can screen profiles from your work if so desired. 25% Jewish according to the CEO from a past podcast feature.
OkCupid – Great for straight, LGBTQ and those with more artsy, quirky and non-mainstream lifestyles. Less superficial, more interpersonal and more variety of backgrounds.
Match – Solid for early 30s to 60 year olds but does require patience and awareness of how the app works. Not every profile is active or paid (subscriptions are needed to send/read messages) but at least you can see all the profiles at once rather than one by one with other swipe apps.
Coffee Meets Bagel – Great app for mid 20s to mid 40s, particularly for those that are Asian, SE Asian. It’s a bit more buggy, confusing (currency, setup) and fewer free options than most freemium apps but rates consistently well among users.
The Lox – Jew-‘ish’ dating app, that is more casual than most dating apps. Not quite there yet for users on the site but can be worth a shot to find that hidden gem.
Read: Best Dating Apps
Dating As A Woman in San Francisco
Some difficulties dating as a woman in SF are not so unique/specific to the city. I encourage all women to read this post about dating to see if there are blinders on, red flags being missed or subtle signaling you are not aware of that is is affecting your dating life.
A lot of women are too trusting too early or pre-qualify men before spending time with them. It’s important to be optimistic but not assume anything.
Some guys may not have the same intentions as you or are dating because they are lonely or using you as a practice date.
Related Read: He’s Just Not That Into You
Dating As A Black Woman In San Francisco
Dating can be tough in a place like San Francisco but it’s especially tough for black women. I worked with a number of black women over the years and many of them made drastic life decisions to move out of the area altogether or move from places like Palo Alto and San Francisco to more diverse cities like Oakland.
If you believe the statistics in studies about attractiveness on dating apps, Asian men and black women have the hardest times on dating apps.
Despite San Francisco being ‘diverse’ and praised for it’s progessivness, there is some racism and segregation going on along with a displacement of the the black middle class.
It’s tough and while I am hesitant to recommend moving out of SF, it would be misleading for me to say that isn’t something people have resorted to.
San Francisco is an island and many folks don’t like to leave the city to date others. If you do, or are willing to, your options will increased but don’t expect others to make the trek.
I have received similar observations from others dating in DC, LA, Seattle as a black woman. Some African-American women are traveling outside the country to places like Italy to find love.
There is a lot of data to sift through but one observation I have noticed is that black men are twice as likely to marry outside their race or ethnicity as black women. Being open to dating is certainly helpful but that doesn’t solve all the problems that exist out there.
Some Food For Thought: How To Date In San Francisco
For those that are aware of the challenges of dating in San Francisco as well as the daily trade-offs they make through their job, priorities and lifestyle, there is hope.
Get off your phone, take off your AirPods, go out for lunch, buy your own groceries, talk to a stranger, don’t turn down an invitation to go out with a friend, cancel your Netflix account, take public transportation instead of taking a Lyft – go outside your comfort (and convenience) zone.
Take a new class, find a new route to take home, sit at the communal table, volunteer at a non-profit that resonates with your passions, sit alone at the bar, explore that new exhibit at the museum, don’t wait for friends in order to make plans and instead learn to do things on your own.
Be vulnerable, take a chance to say hello to someone new, or just smile – you might be surprised who you might meet next time you are out and about.
It’s hard to engage in conversation if you don’t have much to talk about or if you don’t leave your home outside of work. Common experiences, unique life choices, positivity and curiosity fuel conversations – don’t expect someone to lift you from your rut.
Don’t let your past interaction or relationship hinder your ability to give the next person you meet a chance to wow you.
Read: Online Dating FAQ’s
Dating In Silicon Valley, Dating In Palo Alto, Dating In San Jose
Dating in the Peninsula, Palo Alto, South Bay and San Jose is brutal for men and women. Check out how the gender ratios get worst the younger you are (guys) and further away from SF you get.
Most people move to SF to improve gender ratios (some go straight to NYC) while others get a dog and rely on offline methods to stand out.
There is the classic saying – the odds are good but the goods are odd.
More on dating in Silicon Valley here.
Online Dating Critique, Makeover For Men & Women
Strategy (App Choice + Timing + First Messages), Photo Critique, Bios + Prompts + Photo Captions, Wardrobe Feedback, Grooming Suggestions, Clothing & Hairstyle Recommendations, Body Language, Smiles, Etiquette & More
-As seen in the NYT, WSJ & More
San Francisco Dating FAQ’s
Is San Francisco Good For Singles? Where To Meet Singles In San Francisco
With that said, there are plenty of opportunities to meet singles including yoga or pilates classes, run clubs, museums, co-working spaces, grocery stores, bar seating at restaurants or bars, cafes, picnics in the park, out salsa dancing, house parties, rec leagues, cooking classes, food events, art openings, jazz clubs, outdoor festivals, farmers markets and more.
The point is you can meet anyone, anywhere, anytime – you have to be ready.
All clients receive my favorite places to explore, dine alone, find good gender ratios, find venues that attract the people they seek and more.
Is SF Really Bad For Single Straight Men? San Francisco Stereotypes
Yes, it can be if you are socially awkward, lack basic communication skills, have no sense of style, are not that interesting, or you have unrealistic expectations i.e. you think you deserve to date models because you are a founder/CEO.
Just because companies kiss your butt as an engineer, doesn’t mean women owe you anything.
It’s harder for single guys who have bad photos, are short, are people of color, don’t know how to have a conversation, have no interesting hobbies and interests, are recent immigrants or treat dating like ordering food on Doordash.
Where Do Single People Live In San Francisco? Where Do Single Go In San Francisco?
Mission, Russian Hill, Nob Hill, Pacific Heights, Marina, North Beach, NOPA & Hayes Valley mostly but occasionally Dogpatch, Potrero, MIssion Bay, Inner Richmond, Lower/Upper Haight.
There are of course single people in every neighborhood but most flock to places with singles nearby. That shouldn’t discourage you to hang out and explore Cole Valley, Inner/Outer Richmond, Inner/Outer Sunset, SOMA etc.
Matchmaking San Francisco, Bay Area Dating Agencies, Silicon Valley Matchmakers
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/27/style/what-its-like-to-work-with-a-matchmaker.html (my interview in the NYTimes)
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Fashion Advisor, Wardrobe Consultant Specializing In Approachable & Versatile Looks For Men & Women | Personal Styling For Dating, Business, Branding & Everyday Occasions
Where To Meet Single Women In San Francisco, Where To Meet Single Guys In SF, San Francisco Dating Service
In my coaching services, I offer tips in person in subtle ways that even introverts will find easy to implement. These live sessions are completely casual, relaxed and rather fun.
Additional Reading By San Francisco Dating Coach For Men, Women, SF Dating, Dating In San Jose, Best Bars For Singles San Francisco, Matchmaking Bay Area, Online Dating Coach San Francisco
He’s Just Not That Into You: How To Tell If A Guy Is Really Interested In You
Online Dating Coach San Francisco Bay Area: SF Dating Coach Men, Women
Online Dating: Best dating apps in the San Francisco Bay Area
Trending Read: How To Meet People In SF
Dating In Los Angeles: Is It Hard To Date In LA (Dating in LA vs SF Bay Area)
Controversial Read: Dating An Engineers (Pros and Mostly Cons of Dating One, How To Date One)
Popular Read: Dating In New York: Dating Culture In New York
Controversial Read: Dating Someone Who Works In Tech
Best Dating App For Nerds, Introverts: Online Dating For Geeks, Gamers and Engineers
Date Ideas In San Francisco: Tips On Where To Go For Dates In SF
Covid Date Ideas San Francisco: Date Ideas, Socially Distant Date Ideas In San Francisco
About Eddie Hernandez
Eddie Hernandez is a dating consultant for men & women and a professional photographer based in San Francisco, servicing clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, and beyond as seen in the NYT, WSJ, SFGate, ABC7News & more.
Previously an analytics professional and user of dating apps himself, he possesses unique insight into the inner workings of dating apps and user behavior. He provides guidance around app choice, bio optimization, messaging techniques, wardrobe advice, image consulting, date planning, screening profiles, ID'ing red flags, and offline techniques for meeting people organically.
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