What Is It Like Dating In Silicon Valley As A Man, Woman. Dating Life In San Jose, Dating Culture In Palo Alto – Is Dating In Silicon Valley Hard? Is San Jose Good For Dating?

Chances are, if you are fresh from undergrad or a newly minted MBA, you are considering moving to the Bay Area for a new job. The luster of working for a tech company in Silicon Valley has its perks, but there are a number of things one should consider aside from pay.

Opportunity costs, social life, density, social outlets, lifestyle choices and diversity should be weighted as well to avoid having to wasting your time in despair. They don’t call it Man Jose for nothing! It’s not uncommon for successful tech executives to struggle massively with dating and social skills.

(It also doesn’t help that tech nerds are viewed as worse than finance bros in many circles).

Living In San Jose, Palo Alto, Silicon Valley vs Living In San Francisco

The opportunity costs, cost of living, gender ratios, culture, dating life, transportation options and nightlife are things most people overlook. One big mistake people make is understanding location. Palo Alto, the Peninsula and San Jose are vastly different from San Francisco.

People often move to the peninsula or south bay to be closer to jobs, spend less time commuting, or have more space to live. The downside with this is that there is a lack of culture, nightlife, arts and diversity of people that one will observe in San Francisco.

Places like Palo Alto have gotten more interesting the last 2-3 years with better options for dining, nightlife and what not but it pales in comparison to San Francisco and Oakland. These areas are not as walkable as place in SF and the opportunity to meet people organically drops significantly with less everyday interactions and more isolation.

Having a car is not just a luxury, but a necessity to compete with others in the area.

Dating As A Guy In San Jose, Palo Alto & Silicon Valley – Gender Ratios In Silicon Valley

Sure the distance may not seem like much and given Caltrain options and taxis, Ubers and Lyfts, having more space or having a shorter commute seems like a no-brainer however most women in San Francisco will only date in city limits.

Too often, I see men have 30-45 mile radius on dating apps for women and while it’s good to be flexible with your preferences, algorithms can penalize you for getting too many left swipes from people who are far away from you.

There is a fine line with being open but being efficient and strategic when it comes to apps like Hinge that heavily monetize users and prey on user behavior.

The gender ratios in Silicon Valley and dating apps in particular don’t help guys. Too many guys in their early 20s go straight to dating apps vs learning social skills to meet women offline. Early dating struggles compound over time, with dating app frustration, isolation and bad advice from r/Tinder on Reddit.

Women in general don’t use apps as much as men because they get more attention offline. Where men use apps for most if not all their dating efforts, women are more likely to use them as a supplemental way to meet guys outside their routines and social circles.



Silicon Valley, Tech Bro Culture – Boring Personalities, Lack of Diversity

There are stereotypes about the type of people that live in Palo Alto, San Jose and Silicon Valley. Generic hobbies, interests and personalities have become memes in popular culture.

Google Silicon Valley uniform and you will see people who dress for ease, efficiency and to avoid making decisions. This lack of personality and uniqueness makes it harder to stand out from the crowds. Vests, Allbirds, Bonobos, Patagonia and Northface dominate the brands people wear on a daily basis.

When everyone works at the same company, has the same job, dresses the same, lacks conversation skills and has the same hobbies (anime, video games, bitcoin, AI, machine learning, Muay Thai and streaming shows), it’s hard to get excited about people on apps or in person. This is especially true if you spend most your life in front of a computer, void of human interaction.

Unless you are a people manager or have great social skills, it’s nearly impossible to flip the switch and be interesting and engaging enough to hold conversations, plan dates and attract people. Showing enthusiasm, excitement, confidence, approachability and unique sense of style, hobbies and interests will be key to standing out on dating apps.


Online Dating Critique, Makeover For Men & Women

Strategy (App Choice + Timing + First Messages), Photo Critique, Bios + Prompts + Photo Captions, Wardrobe Feedback, Grooming Suggestions, Clothing & Hairstyle Recommendations, Body Language, Smiles, Etiquette & More

-As seen in the NYT, WSJ & More

Online Dating Experience In San Jose, Palo Alto & Silicon Valley

Beyond the unfavorable gender ratios on dating apps, there is a lot of frustration experienced on dating apps by both men and women. Lack of likes, matches by men result in excessive swiping often times without even looking at profiles.

This poor swiping etiquette leads to less visibility (punishment by dating apps for swiping too fast, outside one’s league) and an urge to either pay for artificial boosts (inefficient, not recommended) or become jaded by women, apps and dating experience in general.

On the flip side, women become flustered by guys who lack conversation skills, are unable to initiate conversations, don’t message back, clearly ignore a woman’s profile or use repetitive, boring lines. Lots of likes and matches makes it hard to sift through and identify who is sincere and who is interested in something serious vs a casual hookup.

A lack of sincerity and effort by guys that translates into women putting in low effort into their profiles, bios and prompts which in turn makes it harder to comment on and initiate conversations. This circle of laziness, goes round and round until both genders become equally jaded (for different reasons) and thus takes a toll on other parts of one’s life.

It’s easy to give up on apps too soon, not take them seriously or just dabble on them occasionally but it’s important not become jaded and learn to give each new person the benefit of a doubt (within reason of course).

Most people never get help with their profiles, appearance, communication skills or lifestyle choices, which puts them at a disadvantage. Friends can be biased and sites like Reddit can offer bad advice if you don’t know how to parse out the context and audiences.


How To Meet People In San Jose, Palo Alto and Silicon Valley – Dating Scene In Silicon Valley

Dating apps should be just one method for meeting people but it shouldn’t be your only way to meet people. Don’t let online dating prevent you from putting yourself out there and getting out side your comfort zone.

Taking classes, expanding hobbies and interests, joining clubs and teams, checking out social events, dressing to impress and learning to smile and initiate conversations will go a long way to leapfrogging the competition that tends to be quite, introverted or anti-social.

Learn to get off your phone! Make eye contact, learn to smile, be approachable, dress for the person you want to attract and go to the places that attract the type of people you want to meet.

For more tips on how to meet people offline, read this.

Why Successful Men And Women Struggle With Dating In Silicon Valley

The skills and planning needed to get into a great college, MBA program, job-offer, promotion or save money to buy a house are not the same ones required to do well with dating. There are tangible, objective targets and measures that help guide logic.

Dating requires soft skills, vulnerability, people skills, communication skills, marketing oneself and a different strategy with each unique match and date. There are no hacks when it comes to dating. Not everyone is looking for the same thing as you, and not everyone is transparent or honest for that matter.

These interpersonal skills need practice. Self-awareness, patience, timing, ability to screen profiles, read people, ask questions and use good judgment are often skills that schools and companies don’t emphasize. Women tend to pre-qualify guys too soon while men tend to use a volume approach to dating apps.


The Odds Are Good But The Goods Are Odd – Socially Awkward In Silicon Valley

Teaching guys etiquette (hot to message, plan dates, kiss, dress etc.) can feel depressing. Similarly, there are a lot of men that are intimidated by strong, successful women and will focus their efforts on more submissive, reserved women who likely won’t challenge them. Women tend to be more picky (education, wealth, age) than men are and as such have a more limited dating pool.

Men on the other hand tend to start dating later in life and don’t quite ever catch up with experience until much later in life. This delays relationships, marriage and family planning.

Those that spend too much time on school and career often lack dating experience, life skills needed to date efficiently and effectively. Unfortunately, despite the gender ratios, women can often feel like dating is an uphill battle.



Online Dating Critique, Makeover For Men & Women

Strategy (App Choice + Timing + First Messages), Photo Critique, Bios + Prompts + Photo Captions, Wardrobe Feedback, Grooming Suggestions, Clothing & Hairstyle Recommendations, Body Language, Smiles, Etiquette & More

-As seen in the NYT, WSJ & More

Additional Reading By San Jose Dating Coach For Men, Women, SF Dating, Dating In San Jose, Matchmaking Silicon Valley, Online Dating Coach Palo Alto, Silicon Valley Date Ideas, Dating In Palo Alto

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About Eddie Hernandez

Eddie is a professional photographer, dating coach & image consultant based in San Francisco, servicing clients in NYC, LA, Chicago & beyond.

His photography style balances approachability and professionalism while focusing on personality highlighting the individual by consulting on wardrobes, appearance, location scouting and what the client wants to signal.

When it comes to dating, Eddie has been interviewed by the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and other media outlets. He helps men & women with profile setups, app choice, communication skills, writing, date ideas, timing, strategy, screening profiles, reading people, body language and self-confidence.

As an image consultant, Eddie works with clients to get the most out of their photos, appearance and self-confidence while assessing hygiene, body-types, appearance, first impressions, style, posture, vocal intonation, grooming, facial expressions, smiling and more.

His clients include VC firms, CEO's, Founders, Attorneys, Tech, Non-Profits, Medical Professionals, Coaches, Engineers, Therapists, Government Officials, Shy Men, Successful Women, Creative Professionals from Google, Apple, Salesforce, Linkedin, Facebook, Instagram, Tesla & more.

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