Dating A Software Engineer: Stereotypes, Pros & Cons, Why Is It So Hard To Date An Engineer, Dating A Software Engineer; Tips From A Dating Coach For Engineers

Dating is difficult for many people whether it’s struggling with dating apps or difficulty meeting people offline. Many people rely on apps too much in their lives to know how to interact with people naturally offline, others struggle with verbal and texting communication skills and most people lack self-awareness and realistic expectations.

Dating takes time and people have less and less time than they did a generation ago which has led to an increase in shortcuts, hacks, and delayed dating experiences well into the late 20s to late 30s for many.

Men who suffer from Peter Pan syndrome, guys who don’t approach women offline and a shortage of women are some of the most commonly referenced reasons for such frustration among engineers.

This approach has led to an increase in frustration and has contributed greatly to mental health and depression among dating app users. Some have taken drastic measures such as packing up and moving to NYC to improve dating life.

Unlike planning for b-school, promotions and wealth accumulation, dating is much more subjective, ambiguous and unpredictable. As much as one can try to plan and prepare themselves for dating, there is no guaranteed success.

Dating requires a unique set of skills that many people lack. These skills take time to learn and involve trial and error as well as vulnerability which as a society people have less and less exposure to given isolation, technology, political divide, bad advice, biases and inability to prioritize dating.

Below are some tips on what is like dating as an engineer, what to expect when dating an engineer as well as how to improve odds for success offline and online.

Related read: Online dating statistics, gender ratios & more

For those seeking help with their dating woes, check out my services here. Services span on where to live, places to meet singles, grooming, styling, lifestyle choices, hobbies, interests, conversation skills, help with dating apps, photos, identifying blind spots. Specialty working with introverted men, engineers, successful women, gay men and those seeking relationships


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Why Are So Many Engineers Single? Do Software Engineers Struggle With Dating

Many engineers have never dated throughout school or even early or well into their careers. Many engineering programs at schools and boot camps are mostly made up of guys contributing to gender ratio difficulties.

Getting a late start on dating makes it hard to catch up given lifestyles, career demands, late working hours etc.

Many engineers have a hard time multitasking, so dating can be viewed as a waste of time, inefficient etc. Some even take the view that it’s better to wait until they are more marketable i.e. able to dress better, be more financially stable etc.

Many wait until their friends get married, and then they start to become lonely and think they should also start dating and settling down.

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The Odds Are Good But The Goods Are Odd; Why Are There So Many Engineers On Dating Apps

Given the types of jobs people have, isolation they endure, long hours worked, private buses taken to and from work, male to female ratios in engineering programs, focus on work and lack of dating experience well into 20s and 30s, lack of fashion sense (dressing for simplicity, speed, comfort) and inability to talk about feelings and emotions, this has caused some awkwardness and frustration in the dating world.

Engineers often appear a bit abrupt, snarky, too sure of themselves and often view the world in black and white. They optimize on efficiency, and anything they can’t quantify or predict feels like a waste of time or irrelevant.

Looking at Google queries, it’s not uncommon for people ask what time to send messages, whether or not to look at the camera in their photos, seek out photo scores on sites like Photofeeler to get quantifiable data on their profiles.

Many guys struggle with dating early in their lives and either delay it altogether or are too quick to join dating apps.

This lack of dating experience leads to even more awkwardness for guys who don’t have the necessary skill sets they should have in their 30s (namely eye contact, conversation skills, fashion sense, life experience and such). One has to be good at offline dating in order to improve their chances for success on dating apps.

Soft skills are largely overlooked among engineers because it’s not something they are evaluated on in their careers, life. Dating apps provide a false sense of success as it boils down dating to incomplete steps: profile creation, swiping right and going on a date. Dating is not a transactional effort.

There is no formula, no hack, nor code to learn. It’s about the ability for someone to feel comfortable in their own skin, marketing skills, highlighting personality, being vulnerable, screening profiles, reading people and improvisation, communication skills, flirting and date planning.

Related read: Online Dating Tips For Introverts


Is It Hard Dating An Engineer? Why Is It So Hard To Date An Engineer

Soft skills like communication, good judgment and reading between the lines are some skills many engineers lack.

A subset of engineers that do not have as much trouble with these items are people managers. They have the engineering background and skills but the experience of dealing in business situations, managing people and working in the gray zones of life.

Lots of engineers lack the ability to express themselves, have conversations, and talk for the purpose of getting to know people with treating it like an application, transaction or decision tree. If there is no resolution, answer or purpose in conversations, engineers struggle to find purpose.

This mindset makes it very difficult for engineers to relate to many women. Even engineers who are women tend to a few more hobbies, interests etc. that allow for easier conversation and social interactions.

I work with a lot of engineers in my line of work and I sometimes struggle to get them to talk for more than a few minutes. Lots of dead air, inability to expand thoughts or difficulty with conversation etiquette makes it hard to develop a flow or chemistry.

When it comes to talking about food, it’s not uncommon for engineers to treat it as merely functional intake and don’t find a need to explore cuisines, tastes or new restaurants.

Unless you are able and willing to talk AI, technology, data, programming or algorithms, you might find it hard to get them engaged about any topic.


Engineer Stereotypes, Personality Types: What Is It Like Dating An Engineer

-Get up late to avoid human interactions at work.

-Always looking to optimize everything in life i.e. eating, laundry, commute, tasks.

-Want clarity, aim to avoid ambiguity

-Everything in life is black and white, no gray zone

-Inability to read women

-Drink lots of soda or coffee

-Preferred fashion accessory is noise-cancelling earphones

-Dress for speed, efficiency

-Lack creativity, romance skills, flirtation skills

-Have limited interests

-Are solutions focused and practical. Hate ambiguity, uncertainty.

-Prefer things to people

Related readDating someone in tech 

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Eddie is an image consultant in San Francisco with clients in NYC, LA, and beyond. He assists clients w/ fashion sense, social skills, hobbies & interests, etiquette, being more approachable around others & making friends.


Pros & Cons Of Dating An Engineer, Dating A Software Engineer

Most engineers struggle with dating and thus are not likely to have as many options with dating partners as more social, suave folks who are more experienced with flirting and have more self-awareness.

Because of this, they are less likely to cheat on you. Similarly, limited hobbies i.e. video games, anime, or work means they are less likely to be chatting up cute girls at bars.

Some engineers are a work in progress and open to growing, becoming cultured and diversifying their hobbies, passions and lifestyle but not all are like this.

Putting in the time to train an engineer to become a good boyfriend, become more interesting, dress well, improve conversation skills can be daunting task for most women but those that are patient and willing to put in the work can be rewarded.

The key here is analyzing a person to see if they are willing to change, grow. This sort of change needs to happen internally and can’t be forced but rather aided and supported if the person makes the effort.

Engineers can be stubborn with their opinions, habits, rituals, lifestyles and way of life. Many engineers like to start work late and work late for example just to avoid getting up early and avoid human interaction with other co-workers.


Hacks On Dating Apps Like Hinge, Bumble & Tinder: Swiping Right On Everyone

Some guys and engineers in particular have gone as far to create bots to swipe right on everyone for them. They view this as an efficient way to gauge interest.

Others have hired ghostwriters to impersonate them for similar reasons. Not only is this bad etiquette, it can get you banned.


How To Date An Engineer, Is It Hard To Date An Engineer? Tips For Dating An Engineer

Engineers like structure, inputs, and solving problems. They might not like to discuss how your day went as much as how to do something faster, quicker or better or reduce inefficiencies. Speaking clearly without ambiguity, implied meanings and complex scenarios will make you both happy.

Any opportunity to break things down, rephrase questions and confirm details will reduce friction and misunderstandings.

Some engineers have a very inflated ego, especially in Silicon Valley. They are often treated like rockstars, have little responsibilities in life, are pampered and have done things on their terms.

If you find yourself dating an engineer who is unwilling to budge on certain things or prioritize you, be a bit vulnerable, give you the benefit of the doubt or see things beyond X’s and O’s, then it might be a sign you two are incompatible.


Are Engineers Bad At Relationships? Bad At Dating? Engineers Lack Emotional Intelligence

One key component of learning to date and being great at relationships is communication. Unless an engineer is a people manager, he/she may lack good communication skills.

You may need to teach the person you are dating how to communicate and more so be really patient to learn things that they probably should have learned a long time ago but didn’t.

They are logical but not always emotional nor intuitive. They will often seek to solve problems rather than listen and be present.  If they are motivated and willing to prioritize you and being a relationship, great. If they choose not to grow and learn, well they may not be ready for relationships.

If you have trouble communicating with your engineer boyfriend, I offer coaching services on how to improve channels of communication, understand him better and how to get him to understand you better. Many engineers don’t like to talk about their feelings, nor care to understand yours. They tend to keep things bottled up.

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My Experience With Engineers – How To Improve Your Relationship With An Engineer

For 11 years, I worked hand in hand with engineers in professional settings. As an analytics professional with a focus on qualitative analysis, strategy and business operations, it was my responsibility to work with these gate-keepers in a variety of settings and situations.

There is a certain style of conversation and work-flow that tends to work better than others. For example, many engineers like to talk in acronyms for efficiency. 

Over the next 7 years, I still work with engineers, but this time it’s with dating needs, appearance, body language, mannerisms and communication. The style of communication is similar but applied slightly different when it comes to people and relationships vs work.

In a role-reversal, I am the gate-keeper with respect to information, knowledge, strategy and work-flows. My experience over nearly two decades working with engineers has allowed me frame problems and create actionable solutions for both engineers and their significant others.


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Healthy Lifestyle Tips For Software Engineers

Go outside, use in person interactions over apps whenever possible, expand not electronic hobbies/interests, aim for social activities vs individual ones, learn to dress, groom, smile, learn to communicate, make good eye contact and improve body posture.

Exercise. Surround yourself with different people, of different backgrounds, cultures, industries and lifestyles.


Hobbies For Engineers, Activities For Software Engineers

These are typical ones, not necessarily recommended ones: anime, video games, AI, crypto, building things, IPA’s, whiskey, books, podcasts, coding, chess, making apps.


Engineer Personality Types, Engineer Myers Briggs Personality Test Engineers

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Dating Coach For Engineers

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About Eddie Hernandez

Eddie is a dating coach for men & women in San Francisco (clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, & beyond ), as seen in the NYT & Bumble). He helps w/ profiles, photos, wardrobe, messaging, date ideas, red flags, lifestyle choices, hobbies, grooming/hygiene, communication, social skills & offline efforts.