Dating App Fatigue + Mental Health: Loneliness, Rejection, Anxiety & Negative, Psychological Effects of Online Dating. Depression, Addiction, Self-Esteem & Frustration
I am a big fan of online dating when done correctly. As a tool, it’s a great way to meet others outside your routine.
Single parents, busy professionals, those who are new to a city etc. can benefit when time is limited, routines and ability to go out all the time is scarce or when you are looking to meet others you normally would not have met due to constraints of friends, social circles, neighborhoods and more.
Not all dating apps are created equal and for that, it’s important to read up on a beginner’s guide to online dating. Dating apps are nor ordering apps. They are merely introduction tools. As such, one should never be too trusting of strangers they don’t know.
This includes screening people, ID’ing red flags, knowing what love-bombing is and being patient rather than pre-qualifying people too quickly, getting intimate too soon, and being on the same page when it comes to expectations.
Many things are needed to have a good shot of having success on dating apps and one can’t expect to dabble with apps, put in low effort or fail to have self-awareness and expect to have a good experience. Dating apps require thick skin, patience, focused effort, luck and skills to make it worthwhile.
Related reading: Taking A Break From Dating Apps
Online Dating Experience: Success Rate Of Online Dating, Pros & Cons Of Dating Apps, Downside Of Online Dating
Dating apps are merely an introduction tool yet many people treat them like ordering apps (Doordash, UberEats etc.) or rely on them exclusively to meet others instead of just another supplemental channel.
This can lead to harmful, negative effects such as devaluing yourself, putting all your self worth into dating apps, getting false hope, being on the receiving end of rejection and making mental health issues even worst.
Not everyone on dating apps are ready to date, wanting to date or being honest. Lots of patience, self-awareness, effort, good photos, decent writing skills, life experience, approachability, timing and strategy is needed to have success on dating apps.
Below is a guide to what to expect from dating apps and how to approach them so you can assess whether they are right for you.
How To Approach Online Dating: Relying Exclusively on Dating Apps, Online Dating Burnout
Unfortunately, many folks rely on dating apps exclusively which is not the worst thing but when you spend excessive amount of time (I recommend no more than 3 times a week, 20 minutes a day max) and it starts to affect your health, outlook and social life – that’s when it becomes a danger.
Dating apps should merely be another introduction tool to facilitate meeting people outside your work, school, routines and social circles. You shouldn’t rely on dating apps 100% for dating.
Addictive volume based apps result in a low conversion rate of swipes to matches to dates yielding obscenely high levels or rejection. More thoughtful relationship based apps are better but excessive filtering and preferences can limit your available pool of users. Learn more about how to meet people offline in your area.
Chances are if you have absolutely zero traction in the first 3 months of using dating apps, take a break. Get independent feedback on your app choice, preferences, photos, appearance, smiles, outfits, bio, prompt choices and first lines used. Going on more than that is bad for your mental health.
Online Dating Addiction Signs, Obsession: Negative Effects Of Online Dating, Do Dating Apps Ruin Confidence?
In both cases, these apps often rely on monetization efforts to stay in business; as such getting folks hooked on dating apps and leading them to think a recurring monthly fee will help their dating woes can sometimes provide false hope.
Paying to see who likes you, revealing possible hidden profiles, figuring out who has read your messages, extending windows for replies and boosting visibility can not only artificially inflate hopes but detracts from where the focus should be – yourself.
These bells and whistles often prey on people’s sense of curiosity, insecurity, need for attention and desire to be accepted and wanted resulting in high levels of anxiety. Add to that the constant flow of notifications, alerts, emails and updates, it’s no wonder some folks can feel overwhelmed and bombarded with options and decisions to make.
Some behaviors that you are spending too much time on dating apps can include neglecting plans with friends, preference for swiping inside vs going outside, swiping too quickly and often without fully reviewing profiles, going out with people you normally would avoid for good cause if you met offline, using dating apps because you are lonely, need a confidence boost or bored.
Excessive use can lead to increase levels of anxiety i.e. what does it mean if x, why hasn’t y replied, does x like me. App notifications, buggy apps lead to high levels of anxiety – not worth it if you have trouble with such situations.
Online Dating Anxiety: Too Much Pressure On First Dates, Psychological Effects Of Online Dating
Other reasons that things are heading down the wrong path include putting too much pressure on a first date, getting emotionally attached before meeting someone in person, being easily flattered by early and excessive compliments, spending months or even years without obtaining likes, matches, conversations or dates.
The other thing to look out for is creating duplicate profiles, trying to game the system, engaging in bad behavior online that you would never do offline because of anonymity.
When using dating apps, you should have the same outlook as if you were meeting people offline. Do I like this person? Do I want to see them again? Did we have fun? Trying to figure out if this person is the one is too much pressure to put on a first or second date.
Additionally, no one person should be able to exert so much control over your emotions especially early on. If conversations are one-sided, dates are continually postponed or if one person is constantly starting conversations, that might be a sign the other person is not taking things seriously.
Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work: Anonymity and Mysteriousness; Online Dating Pitfalls
Anonymity provides a cloak in which some people act worse than if they were to encounter folks in person. Ghosting on dating apps (sudden, unexplained drop in communication and abandonment) as well as verbal and dehumanizing assault are not that uncommon.
Pathological and narcissistic behavior can arise from folks looking for validation at the expense of treating others poorly in an attempt to yield power and control over others.
Endless queue of profiles can give a sense of disposability when it comes to options. Often times folks question if there are better options around the corner given the ease at which one can meet others through dating apps.
When it comes to photos, it’s important to they reflect who you are and how you look. Any deception intentional or accidental may delay heartbreak and rejection. Some folks use outdated photos or lie about their age to secure a date in hopes they can convince the person to give them a chance.
Relationships that begin with lies often fail. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with others. When it comes to dates, take quantity over quantity.
Online Dating Still Requires Soft Skills i.e. Communication Skills, Social Skills, Emotional IQ
Online dating is hard. It is merely another channel for meeting other folks, it is not a shortcut. Make sure you are working on your soft skills (exercise, eating well, career, friends, family, hobbies, classes etc.).
People want to meet and date others that interest them, inspire them, can teach them something, can carry a conversation, that have good energy levels. If you ignore these items, it will be hard to have success beyond date #1.
Like all things in life, it’s important to talk to others about your life and dating situation. Get unbiased feedback on your profile (friends have a tendency to avoid telling you the truth), take breaks, work on yourself at all times.
Relying too much on dating apps can have dire consequences that can affect morale, confidence, self-worth and trust resulting in depression. Don’t ignore the other aspects of your life when using dating apps.
Is Online Dating Depressing? Online Dating Fatigue & Negative Effects Of Dating Apps
As with all social media, success stories and experiences can be one-sided, and inflated. While its possible people can meet others with days or weeks of signing up on an app, it usually takes much longer than that to meet quality people.
Choosing the right app, photos, bios, messages go a long way but health, looks, work, mental health, exercise, social life, hobbies, and communication skills are oftentimes overlooked. Second-guessing appearances and comparing oneself to others can lead people down rabbit-holes echoing body-shaming.
Even if you do manage to obtain some seemingly quality matches, the problems don’t end there. Many users of dating apps report that their first dates from dating apps can oftentimes be uncomfortable, brutal or unrewarding.
Inability to transition from online messaging to offline dates is a point of frustration many daters experience leaving them to wonder, is online dating worth it?
Dating Coach Services - Men & Women
First date ideas, wardrobe styling, places to meet singles, where to sit at bars and restaurants, body language, vocal intonation, eye contact, conversation skills, how to flirt over text, how to be more approachable and get people to start conversations with you, mock dates and more.
-As seen in the NYTimes, Wall Street Journal & More
Dating When Depressed: Can Dating Cause Depression & Should You Date While Depressed?
Dating when depressed can make your mental health even worst. It puts too much pressure on strangers to lift you up. It clouds your judgment as people tend to overlook red flags to avoid being lonely, ignored.
No one is ever perfect but most people who date successfully are self-aware, patient, have enough going on in their life that they don’t all their self-worth into dates or overly invest themselves in strangers too often, too quickly.
Dating requires energy, focus, positivity, enthusiasm and trust which are all difficult to master when depressed. It’s highly advisable to see a therapist when depressed especially when wanting to start dating again.
Getting feedback on your relationship history, attachment patterns and confidence, conversation skills, outlook on life and intentions are crucial when deciding to dip your toes back in the dating pool.
Dangers Of Online Dating: Love-Bombing & Moving Too Fast
If you happen to meet someone who is too good to be true he/she likely is. There are lot of scammers out there that prey on people dating apps especially if there divorced, lonely, depressed or have been on dating apps for a long time.
Love-bombing is a term where someone floods you with compliments and promises of affection etc. mostly even before meeting you. You should never develop strong feelings for someone you have not met or someone too soon. Love takes time, effort, patience and an ability to read people.
Don’t over-invest in people especially if they don’t find time to meet with you, will not work around your schedule to meet you at your convenience, doesn’t introduce you to family + family, never makes future plans and makes excuses all the time.
Don’t emotionally invest yourself for someone who does not meet you halfway and especially for people who don’t respect you, prioritize you.
Are Dating Apps Toxic? Online Dating Anxiety, Emotional Pain and Trauma, Online Dating Culture
There are a variety of reasons why people give dating apps a try: love, companionship, new in the city, loneliness, validation, boredom, scams, research, sales or to get into someone’s head. Not everyone who joins a dating app is in a good place. Pain and trauma from an ex, depression or other conditions can severely worsen with dating apps.
There are many highs and lows with online dating and putting too much pressure can lead to unhealthy expectations and dependencies.
Anonymity, vague intentions, misrepresentation and lazy effort should be expected on some volume with dating apps (more so depending on your ability to filter/analyze profiles, people, photos, bios and communication).
Ideally you should seek help before attempting to use dating apps if you are dealing with such conditions as dating apps have a tendency to make these things worst.
Online Dating Constant Rejection: Can Online Dating Cause Depression? Do Dating Apps Lower Self-Esteem?
Rejected by every girl – this is not uncommon. Many people have bad photos, choose wrong apps, lack good conversation skills or lack an approachable personality.
Dating apps require time, good photos, luck, patience, thick skin, continual self-improvement, self-awareness and realistic expectations. To avoid fatigue and reduce changes long-term negative aspects of dating apps, it’s recommended to not put all your self-worth and time into dating apps.
Dating apps should be just one method for meeting people. They should not serve as a crutch for you and make up for poor communication skills, shyness, desire to go outside and meet people through friends and social functions. Once you meet someone on a dating app, you need all the offline skills to be effective including communication skills, date planning skills etc.
Having a well-rounded life, good mental health, emotional availablity and ability to read people are recommended to be successful with dating apps. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. Hire a therapist, consult with an unbiased professional regarding your profile, app choice, photos, etc to see where you can change your luck.
Your Partner Shouldn’t Be Your Everything, No One Is Perfect – Dating While Lonely
With dating apps, people tend to put too much, too quickly into others whether its because of loneliness, depression, lack of friends or position in life. People tend to be too trusting or think filters and bios are 100% accurate when this is not always the case.
No one can or should be 100% of what you need, crave and desire. Expecting someone to be your friend, mentor, lover, therapist, financial advisor, athletic partner and share your passions, interests completely and with the same intensity as you.
This is impossible unless you expect your partner to give up their life, their hobbies, passions etc. to serve you. These characteristics are what make them and taking that away alters and makes them less – you don’t want this.
Your partner cannot wear all the hats, all the time!
These hats are generally shared amongst friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, college roommates, therapists, and long distance friends. This can happen especially when moving to a new city/town when you don’t know people and have a hard time meeting others.
Diversifying your needs should mirror how you would diversify a portfolio for lack of a better metaphor. Figure out what you are willing to try, what your are willing to practice on and what you absolutely cannot stand.
There is a fine line in being completely uninterested in engaging in certain activities, routines etc. Giving things a shot is great and thoughtful but doesn’t always work out for people.
It’s important to give your partner room to breathe especially early in the dating process as this suffocation and forced lifestyles have ended relationships prematurely all too often given how people view dating apps like a checklist for partners.
Some people expect their partners to fit in perfectly into their schedules, routines, lifestyles and master plans. Look for a balance of mutual passions, priorities, effort and lifestyles as well as complementing skills, habits and qualities. No one should want a clone of themselves.
Online Dating Safety and Red Flags: Online Dating Guys & Girls To Avoid
Lastly, developing skills to detect scammers is extremely important. There are many lonely, insecure, and depressed people on dating apps and unfortunately scammers and predators know this.
As master manipulators, they are trained to look for signs of vulnerability and that’s why it’s important to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Read this guide on online dating red flags.
Excessive use of dating apps can yield similar dangers as seen with gamers and gamblers with respect to addiction and lack of social interaction.
Negative Effects Of Online Dating: Dating App Fatigue, Why Is Online Dating So Tiring? No Luck With Online Dating
If you use apps for too long or long enough that you start to let it affect other parts of your life, you can be experiencing dating app fatigue. Mindless swiping, excessive ghosting, misreading people and their intentions can lead to frustration.
Dating apps should be fun, exciting but shouldn’t consume your life. Dating apps (on the surface) appear to be easy ways to meet people but they require patience, analytical skills to read profiles, photos, bios and messages as well as knowing what you want. Assuming dating apps will solve your problems is an unhealthy and unrealistic approach to have.
The long you are on apps the more dangerous it can be. Profile fatigue sets in, people assume something is wrong with you. Using the same main photo despite changing subsequent photos can be useless. Some people carry bad experiences on to the next person they meet rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Once you meet in person, it is up to you to use good judgment. You can no longer blame apps for anything. It’s like meeting a person at the bar or cafe, it’s up to you to see if you like them enough to see them again.
Paying for upgrades is pointless and is akin to paying for paid ads for a sub-par product. Always invest in yourself (education, physique, grooming, style, hobbies, smiles, interests etc.) rather than spinning your wheels with paid services, excessive swiping and additional app profiles.
Dating apps are not for everyone and even if they are, plenty of self-sabotage occurs either from your own actions and assumptions or bad advice for biased friends, family and internet forums. Spend nore more than 1 hour a week on apps and focus on your in-person, offline self for optimal results.
Overly Investing Yourself In Others, Seeking Validation, Stop People Pleasing
Don’t do it, it’ll just open you up to scams, heartbreak.
-Talk to more than one person. Dating apps are introduction apps to see who you want to go on a date with. They are not order apps like Uber Eats. People lie, misrepresent themselves.
-Don’t talk to the person all the time. They are still a stranger you haven’t met. No need to say good morning, good night every day. You are not exclusive, they are talking to other people.
-Not profiles and people you are talking are what they appear. Sometimes offline transitions sucks and chemistry is not there.
-Approach dating apps like an introduction service. Talk, flirt, exchange messages, do a video chat but then meet offline asap or don’t invest your time, emotions and attention into a stranger you hardly know, never met.
Insecure About Dating Apps: How Online Dating Can Damage Self-Esteem
If you are insecure about your appearance, afraid to put yourself out there or not willing to be a bit vulnerable, dating apps are not for you (at least not right now). It might be best to speak with a a therapist to address concerns about privacy, trauma, past relationships, vulnerability, confidence and the like.
Chances are you will encounter a scammer, someone who is lying about their intentions, someone who misrepresents their actual looks, someone who might be married, someone who lies about their age or someone who ghosts you.
Having thick skin helps. Knowing how to ID red flags is key. Having realistic expectations is crucial.
Dealing With Rejection On Dating Apps: Self-Esteem, Confidence & Bad Effects
You need to learn to deal with rejection and not internalize everything. If you can’t do that, don’t use apps. You can’t control what others do, say but you can reduce chances of going on bad dates and ignoring awful people by developing thick skin.
No Likes On Hinge, No Likes On Bumble, No Matches On Hinge, No Matches On Bumble
If you manage to get no likes nor matchs on apps after a few weeks, months. Take a break. Chances are there is something wrong with your profile, expectations, swiping, writing, messaging, approach, app choice, facial expressions, body language, grooming habits, lifestyle choices or realistic expectations.
Insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results.
Taking A Break From Online Dating, Taking Time Off From Dating Apps
Dating take time. Be sure to make time for yourself. Don’t neglect crucial aspects of your life including health, friends, hobbies, family, career etc. Pause your accounts and come back when you can devote time, be present and not just dabble in apps.
If you haven’t seen any success in 3-6 months, get off apps asap. Get some independenent feedback, help (not from friends nor from Reddit).
See where you can make improvements rather than do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. It’s not easy but neither is dealing with constant rejection, endless swiping and misplaced hope.
More on taking a break from dating apps here.
Are Dating Apps Bad For Mental Health? Online Dating Is Depressing, Online Dating Affect Mental Health? Online Dating and Self-Esteem, Addicted To Dating Apps
Online Dating Critique, Makeover For Men & Women
Strategy (App Choice + Timing + First Messages), Photo Critique, Photo Order, Bios + Prompts + Photo Captions, Wardrobe Feedback, Grooming Suggestions, Clothing Recommendations, Hairstyle Recommendations, Body Language, Smiles & More
-As seen in the NYTimes, Wall Street Journal & More
Further Reading: Risks, Negative Effects Of Online Dating, Addiction & Self-Esteem, Dating Apps Destroying Self Esteem, Tired Of Dating Apps, Online Dating Frustration, Ugly Truth About Online Dating
Ghosted On Dating Apps: Ghosting Online Dating
About Eddie Hernandez
Eddie Hernandez is a dating consultant & professional photographer based in San Francisco, servicing clients in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago and beyond as featured in the NYTimes, SFGate, ABC7News, East Bay Express, Salon; contributor to Good Men Project, Plenty Of Fish and Meddle.
In addition to photos, he provides guidance around app choice, bio optimization, messaging techniques, wardrobe advice, date planning, screening profiles, ID'ing red flags, offline techniques for meeting people organically, naturally.
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