Addicted To Online Dating Apps: How Much Time To Spending On Dating Apps, How To Approach Dating Apps, How To Use Dating Apps In A Healthy Way
When it comes to dating apps, many people are unaware of the amount of technological resources and psychological research that goes into getting people hooked up on dating apps and the levels they go through to keep sending likes, pay for boosts, see who likes you and upgrade to unlock advanced features and make your profile private.
Dating apps carefully have to balance engagement and results, otherwise users would leave the platform if no one met, found relationships and got married because of them.
Dating apps are not charities and they should not be treated like ordering apps like Doordash. I tell all clients to approach dating apps as an introduction tool.
If you buy an air fryer, that doesn’t mean you food is going to come out tasting great. You have to maintain the unit, you have to buy good ingredients, you have to follow recipes and you have to use the right functions. Dating apps are not that different.
Related read: Creepy Guys On Dating Apps
Related read: Dating Yourself – Are You Ready To Date?
Online Dating Checklist – How To Use Dating Apps Effectively, Addicted To Swiping
Creating a profile will not get you likes, matches or even dates. Yes, dating apps are rather straight-forward and intuitive during the registration process but the timing, usage and expectations after are rather ambiguous and hard to grasp for many. There are many things needed to have success on dating apps including:
-Photos (lighting, close-up and full body photos, consistency in looks, hairstyles, appearance)
-Writing Skills (bios, prompts, captions)
-Good Grooming Habits (shaving, hygiene).
-Decent Wardrobe, Styling
-Self-Awareness (focusing on those with a similar age, location, height, ethnicity, lifestyle choices, politics, education and appearance expectations)
-Swiping Etiquette (timing, likes vs messages, swiping right on a realistic number of profiles i.e. 5-10%).
Dating apps are competitive, and rightfully so. Low-effort is generally a great way to fail at dating apps.
Related read: Online Dating Swiping Etiquette
Related read: Modern Dating Culture, Trends
Unhealthy Expectations On Dating Apps – Truth About Dating Apps, Addiction
Many people are unaware of deal-breakers, and preferences on dating apps. They think if they are smart enough, successful enough or attractive enough, that is all that is needed to do well on dating apps and overcome such preferences.
People are more selective online than they are in person, and this can come to a shock for people who do well offline, in-person.
Yes, looks, photos and career are important but ignoring the other items above can offset any advantage you have over others. Attractive people take bad photos i.e. bad lighting, narcissistic, bad smiles, dark photos, photos with sunglasses all the time.
People want well-rounded people. Women are outpacing men in advanced degrees and don’t give a shit if you are a partner at a VC firm, have your own company or are famous. In fact, many female clients I know actively avoid these men who are one-dimensional, boring self-absorbed and lack social skills and empathy. ‘Soft skills’ (communication skills, life-balance etc.) are more in demand than ever.
Related read: Psychological Effects Of Online Dating
Swiping Too Much On Dating Apps, Understanding Dating App Algorithms
One obvious symptom of dating app addiction is swiping right too much. Men are less selective when it comes to swiping right on dating apps. They tend to focus on looks mostly while women place more weight on age, education, location, lifestyle choices, race, profession and height.
The intention of dating apps is to help keep an open mind and introduce you to people outside your routine, social circles and day to day life and that is absolutely a great thing, but the problem with that is that it doesn’t factor dating app algorithms. You see, the more you right-swipe on people that left-swipe on you, the less desirable you are deemed.
Similarly, the more you swipe-right, the less desirable profiles you will be served as this increases engagement with less desirable profiles (feeding them likes). In an ideal world, people should swipe right on about 5-10% of profiles served even after using distance, age and other filters. To have the most success, you have to put yourself in the shoes of others and see what they seek and what they prefer.
Playing the volume game and trying to optimize for top of the funnel will deem you as a low-quality profile as you either lack focus, self-awareness, realistic expectations or are exhibiting bot-like behavior.
Related read: Dating App Swiping Etiquette & Strategy
Spending Too Much Time On Dating Apps (How Much Time To Spend Online Dating)
There is a fine line between dabbling with dating apps and not putting in enough time, effort on them and spending too much time on them. I recommend using dating apps for about 20 minutes a day, 4 times a week and a bit more once matches are made and conversations are had and dates need to be planned.
Some people spend upwards of 10 hours a week on dating apps – that is way too much. At that point you are regressing in social skills, not getting enough exercise, not meeting people offline or are exploring hobbies and interests sufficiently.
Chances are, if you are spending too much time on dating apps, you will experience diminishing returns. One should not ignore other aspects like exercise, eating well, social skills, friend circles, building hobbies and interests and developing personal growth.
Relying too much on a profile and swiping will do nothing if you are terrible at messaging, communication and date planning.
Related read: Never Stop Meeting People Offline
Dating Profile Critique, Review Services
App Choice, Photo Critique (Order, Captions), Bios, Prompts; Wardrobe, Hobbies, Grooming Recommendations, Body Language, Facial Expressions, Lifestyle Choices (Men & Women).
Lack of Effort & Obsessed With Metrics (Likes, Matches) – Online Dating Addiction Signs,
Likes and matches mean nothing on dating apps. Anyone can pay for boosts and get more likes. Anyone can swipe right more often and get more matches but that won’t necessarily lead to more dates. Similarly, everyone gets likes early on when a profile is created (new profiles are boosted upon creation – more on that here).
Many people on apps try to optimize for top of the funnel metrics meaning that the more they swipe right, the more they get likes, the more likes they receive, the more matches are made (and so on and so forth). In a vacuum, this makes sense, but apps have to curb bad behavior and weigh overall experience of its user base.
Think about it, if guys swiped right on every woman, women would have too many low-quality matches and leave the apps in droves. This is already happening, but not as much if behavior by men went unchecked. Women are the supply on dating apps and men are the demand side of the apps.
A common complaint from men is that women never reply. Yes, that happens. Just because you get a like doesn’t mean they are interested in you to go on a date, it’s a very basic level of interest that can fade if they find something about you after a Google search or if your first message is lame. Even if your opening line is good, doesn’t mean they haven’t heard it before. Matches don’t owe you anything. Stop overly investing yourself in strangers you have not met.
It’s better to focus on fewer matches, show that you read their profile and practice on your writing skills. Too many men ignore these soft skills.
Insanity Is Doing The Same Thing Expecting Different Results – Compulsive Online Dating
Most men never seek help when it comes to online dating and when they do, they focus on things like photos and first lines only. Many lack self-awareness like swiping on women too far away, too old/young, too educated or ones that have different lifestyle choices, religions and ethnic backgrounds.
Guys are always looking for quick, easy hacks like paying for boosts, sending likes without comments, resetting profiles, or using canned opening lines. Few are willing to take the time to work on themselves like losing weight, updating their wardrobe, shaving their balding head, trimming their beard, and expanding hobbies and interests to be more interesting.
In case you haven’t noticed, dating apps have a gender imbalance (which is driven in part by harassment, privacy concerns, stalkers, unwanted messages, and liars). As such, men have to try harder to stand out. If you are unwilling to work on yourself continually, you can’t expect to stick out to others on dating apps that are superficial.
Toxic Behavior On Dating Apps, Incel Tendencies Online Dating, Examples, Signs
If you spend too much time on apps without likes and matches, you can suffer from repeat rejection and even come to hate all women. Just browse internet forums or read pathetic stories like men who pose as women out of frustration.
Don’t overly invest yourself in people. You will be ghosted on dating apps (some more than others but that depends on self-awareness, effort and realistic expectations). Don’t put all your self-worth into dating apps – don’t let strangers define you. Work on yourself all-time. Get help if needed.
If dating apps don’t work for you, stop using them. Focus on offline efforts. Relocate or take a break from dating. It’s not worth obsessing over. More time on apps doesn’t lead to more dates or even greater levels of success. Stop relying on help from biased friends and family who are unwilling to be brutally honest with you or have context strangers don’t.
If you haven’t received many likes or matches after 3 months, you should take a break and get independent feedback on your profile, efforts, lifestyle choices, expectations and strategy.
Related read: Psychological Effects Of Online Dating
Dating Apps Prey On Insecurities, Loneliness On Dating Apps
Making you pay to swipe on profiles after you run out to hide likes unless you pay for them or are patient are a couple of ways online dating companies prey on insecurities. Also, flooding users with options and giving them a false sense of interest is another way to increase engagement.
You can reduce insecurities by using apps less and not worrying about hypothetical situations, does he/she like me, what does it mean if they saw my IG story, why hasn’t he/she responded etc. Who cares?
Focus on those that show interest, respond in a timely matter and want to meet up. Can’t afford to be picky? Work on yourself, improve your profile, or get off apps altogether.
Dating apps can cure or improve loneliness. That is something you have to work on yourself, with professional help before you can expect to have any success on dating apps. Being lonely and putting too much pressure on a stranger is rather a tall ask and unrealistic. You can’t expect others to make you happy if you are not happy on your own.
Related read: Why Dating Apps Won’t Solve Your Dating Problems
Online Dating Coaching For Men, Women
Help w/ swiping, timing, app choice, messages, filters, deal-breakers, paid features, screening profiles, reading people, ID'ing red flags/liars/time-wasters, date planning, & using dating apps more effectively & efficiently.
How to Stop Online Dating Addiction, How To Stop Going On Dating Apps
Meet people offline, exercise, expand hobbies, take classes, explore new neighborhoods, eat well, delete apps and deactivate accounts.
Focus on making friends, trying out new hobbies and interests, reconnecting with existing social circles.
My Boyfriend/Husband Is Addicted To Dating Apps, Man Addicted To Dating Sites
Why is he still your boyfriend / husband is the question you should be asking yourself. Set boundaries, have respect for yourself, and figure out what you want and how you wish to be treated going forward. If your boyfriend is addicted to dating apps, he is not your boyfriend.
Related read: Manipulation Tactics In Dating & Relationships
Why Are Guys Addicted To Online Dating, Why Is Online Dating So Addictive?
Cheap thrills, too shy to get rejected in person, too insecure to approach women offline, can hide behind apps, easier to be anonymous online or just too damn lazy to put on pants, dress up and take a chance to be vulnerable. Dating apps give the false sense of hope that someone is interested in you or that finding someone is as easy as swiping right on a profile.
Dating apps have oversimplified what it takes to be ready to date.
Using Dating Apps For Attention, Using Dating Apps For Validation, To Get Followers
Not everyone is on dating apps for the same reasons you are. If you see someone post their Instagram account in their profile, report them.
Average Time Spent On Dating Apps? Average Time To Find Relationship Online Dating
Most people are spending too much time on dating apps each day. Ideally, you should spend about 15-20 minutes a day, 3-4 days a week max. Anything more than that you will experience diminishing returns and could better use the time to socialize, exercise, expand hobbies and interests or meet people offline.
With that in mind, dating is not a race but a marathon. Even though some people meet their partners quickly, that is not the norm. It can take months or years if ever to find a relationship, so rather than swipe more and pay for boosts, work on yourself in the meantime.
Related read: Online Dating Feels Like A Job
How Long Is Too Long To Be On Dating Sites, How Much Time Should I Spend On Dating Apps
Don’t dabble with apps.
Finding the love of your life should be at or near the top of priorities in life. Not taking apps seriously, not responding to messages and not putting your best foot forward is a recipe for failure.
Get help with your profile.
Get feedback on your profile, appearance, photos, app choices, grooming, hobbies, interests, bios, prompts, messages and more here.
Put in the effort, treat dating seriously.
Would you not comb your hair, brush your teeth, wash your clothes and smile if trying to meet someone offline, in-person? Low-effort in means low-effort out.
Limit usage to 20 minutes a day, 3 days a week for swiping.
Once you get matches and start to plan dates, more time will be needed but early on, it’s best to be methodical about swiping. Swiping right too much, too often can limit visibility and result in you being show less attractive people.
Learn to accept rejection
Not everyone will like you, is serious about dating, will show up on dates you plan and agreed to. Rejection is inevitable. Don’t overly invest yourself in strangers, don’t put your self worth into dating apps.
You attract who you are, not what you seek.
Dating apps are competitive, you need to continually work on yourself and not neglect things like health, exercise, mental health, social life, hobbies, interests, personal growth, etc. Dating apps are not ordering apps and they should not be used exclusively – you need to approach people offline too if you hope to have any success, as social skills are needed after matching on apps.
If none of these tips help, take a break.
Related read: Alternatives To Online Dating | How To Meet People In Real Life
Dating App Addiction Lawsuit: Hinge Lawsuit, Tinder Lawsuit
About Eddie Hernandez
Eddie is a dating coach for men & women in San Francisco (clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, & beyond ), as seen in the NYT & Bumble). He helps w/ profiles, photos, wardrobe, messaging, date ideas, red flags, lifestyle choices, hobbies, grooming/hygiene, communication, social skills & offline efforts.