Date Doesn’t Look Like Her Photos, He Looks Different In Person, & Using Old Photos On Dating Sites: Misleading Dating App Photos, Beauty Filters, Catfishing Photos
If you have spent enough time on dating apps or know people who have done it for some time, it’s inevitable you will encounter a story of a date who looked nothing like their profile photos. It happens to both men and women. Whether the photos look like they are old or the person looks heavier than their photos suggest, reveal. It happens fairly often that it has developed it’s own slang term called kittenfishing.
This deception is all too common on dating apps and for many, it’s super annoying to invest so much time chatting, getting to know each other, carve out time for a date, hire a babysitter or push out plans with friends to only feel like a scammer has entered your life and now you feel obligated to continue the date and waste 30-120 minutes of your life.
It would be great if everyone used photos that looked like how they would appear on a first date but apparently that is too much to ask for. Some people make excuses for lack of photos or try to win people over in person with their personality or try to prove the other person is superficial and shallow. Regardless of your stance, this article will go over proper etiquette for online dating photos, what to do if your date doesn’t look like their photos and how to reduce awkward dates.
While misleading photos are not as bad as fake profiles aimed to scam, hurt or lie outright about identity, misleading photos are nothing to ignore and it’s important to ID them and call them out on the deception.
How Old Should Your Online Dating Photos Be?
The rule of thumb is that photos should look like you now if you were to show up on a date. This means from a weight, tan, haircut, hairstyle, perspective. Many people are biased or think they have not aged but in reality, most people are poor judges of self-appearances. Friends are not much better as they can be unwilling to be brutally honest with you.
Using Old Photos In Your Dating Profile That Don’t Look Like You, Is It Catfishing To Use Old Photos
One of the more common deceptions with dating profile photos is using old photos. Not everyone takes photos often and after a recent breakup or divorce, one is less likely to have photos by themselves. With that being said, using older photos can be viewed as a type of catfishing – pretending to be someone you are not.
Basic etiquette around dating pictures is that they should represent how you would like on a date today, not last week, not last year, but now. That is the expectation people have when they view a profile. If you show up on a date, and you get a weird reaction from your date upon first glance, this is the likely possibility. Photos should not only be within 2 years old but should also resemble your current weight, hair color, hairstyle, facial hair, etc.
Why Do Men, Women Use Old Photos On Dating Apps? How Recent Should Dating App Photos Be?
Some people think they look the same, some are delusional, while others have not come to grips that they don’t look their younger selves. Some honestly think they can win over others with their charm if they can manage to get a date. Others blame not having photos despite the fact that they have a camera in their pocket most of their lives. To avoid being accused of catfishing, keep photos on your profile fresh with 2 years AND make sure you facial hair, height, hairstyle and hair color is accurate.
Taking Misleading Photos From Weird, High Angles
The other misleading type of photos you are likely to encounter are those that are take from high, abnormal and weird angles. Typically selfies, these photos are often taken to slim the figure and appear more attractive. Fortunately, most people are aware of this deception and move on but every so often, people new to dating apps are deceived by these odd photos (see weight verification discussion here).
One of the biggest excuses I hear for using such photos is that people don’t have any friends, don’t take photos often or don’t see anything wrong with such photos. Others think full body photos are not necessary. While you can occasionally find a hidden gem on dating apps featuring a profile without full body photos, it’s extremely rare.
Even if the person is as they appear, they tend to be folks who are introverts, are lonely or don’t have a strong social circle. Furthermore, they can have some trust issues as some people don’t like others taking photos of them and only trust themselves with taking their own photos. View this as a possible red flag when browsing profiles on dating sites.
How To Screen Deceptive Profiles and People On Dating Sites: Video Dates, Background Checks & Reverse Image Searches
One method of verifying current appearance is to do an internet search on various platforms to see if the user is active and has photos that are ideally timestamped. Platforms like Facebook and Instagram are the two most obvious platforms that come to mind but there are most out there that are more insightful. I offer background checks for clients who have doubt about their date’s identity, appearance, marital status or age.
If those don’t exist, looking up their Linkedin profile photos can also help out depending on if their current photo is recent and/or connected to a job they recently started i.e. branding background, location.
One of the main benefits of dating apps during covid is that many people are not comfortable with a video chat or video date before meeting. This is largely done to make sure the other person looks like their photos. If you request a video date, it’s possible the other person will decline or make up a bs excuse. Similarly, asking for a video chat can come off as distrusting or skeptical. This method is recommended only if other methods of verifying current age of photos is not possible.
Online Dating Pictures vs Real Life: Bias In Looking At Your Own Photos vs What Others See In Person
When it comes to photos, things can get a bit personal. The way we see ourselves in the mirror is not the same as we see ourselves in photos. Selfies can distort images making them wider while most photos are reflected at 180 which is the opposite of how say we see ourselves in a mirror.
Not everyone can handle what they look like without makeup, photoshop, favorable lighting, air-brushing or other editing mechanism used to enhance photos. Being honest with yourself and being self-aware is key to avoid a discrepancy in your photos vs what you look like in real life to someone else.
He Keeps Asking For More Pictures, Guy Asks For Selfies: Why Do Guys Ask For More Photos?
If you have 4-6 photos that are recent and a combination of close-up, well-lit, full body and not taken from weird angles, then you should not have to worry about providing additional photos. If you change your hairstyle, hair color, and hair length, it will raised doubt about how you look like today.
Some guys ask for more photos so they verify identity, but mostly some guys are creeps and like to collect photos so never give more photos than what is available on a dating profile. Similarly, if a guy asks you to stand up, turnaround or model in a video chat, take that as a red flag. If you get these requests often, review your profile and make sure it’s recent and accurate. Also, make sure you know how to screen profiles and read people as their are sketchy guys on dating sites looking to take advantage or unknowing women.
Filters On Dating Profile Photos: Why Do Girls Use Filters On Dating Sites? Is Using Snapchat Filters Catfishing?
The last set of misleading dating profile photos are what is called edited, photoshopped or filtered photos. These photos can either be stretched vertically to make people slimmer, have filters applied to soften skin and remove blemishes or have filters applied to obscure the face i.e. Snapchat dog filters.
The key to identifying photos is to look for things that look unnatural i.e. items in the background that are stretched out or skin that appears to be way softer than humanly possible or eyes that are too perfect. A simple Facebook or Instagram search can lead to verified assumptions about users but not always. Ask for a video chat to remove all doubt.
When Your Date Doesn’t Look Like Their Photos – 1st Date Etiquette
Despite all the things to look out for in photos, there will be times when you show up for a date and the person does not look like their photos. In these situations, it’s perfectly fine to end the date before it starts. For guys, this might be doing so outside the bar or restaurant to avoid making a scene. For women, it can mean ending the date inside because the outdoor area might be a bit unsafe, dark, cold or unknown.
Be confident in your decision, but don’t make a scene. Explain to the person you don’t feel comfortable continuing the date based on this deception. Yes, it might sound cold, but it is necessary. Your time is precious, and they need to hear this or else they might do this again to someone else. Ghosting the person and turning around might be safer, especially for women so if you are a guy, this is a perfectly expected reason to be ghosted if you misrepresented yourself.
Bumble Keeps Moderating My Photos: Moderated Bumble Photos, Bumble Photo Rules
Bumble has a rather strict policy on dating profile photos and one of them deals with photos with filters applied. If “your face is being obscured, or has too many filters being used” your photo might be moderated and removed from the platform.
Don’t use filters or photoshop your photos.
How To Tell If Someone Is Lying About Their Age Online?
Some simple background checks can provide clues but there are other online services and custom providers who specialize in this.
Is Using Filters Catfishing?
Yes, I would say so. Deception is being done when using filters even if you intention is for insecurity reasons.
Plenty Of Fish Dating App Bans Photos With Face FIlters
How To Report Profiles That Don’t Look Like The Person, Photoshopped Online Dating Photos
In addition to letting your match or your date know why you ended the date, it’s important to screenshot profiles and messages before the other person unmatches you or even blocks you in a preemptive move to avoid detection. This is done so you have evidence of your accusation and while one report of using old photos may not yield anything, repeated complaints can lead to a suspension or ban on certain dating apps.
Be thorough in your complaints, i.e. person used photos that are 10 years old and 50 pounds lighter or person used someone else photos or person photoshopped their photos beyond recognition. In order to make online dating better for everyone, each person should help others out by reporting such profiles that aim to deceive. Each app has their own protocols for reporting profiles and behavior off the app. Check out this page on how to contact dating apps directly with complaints.
Personalized Online Dating Profile Critique
Strategy (App Choice + Timing + First Messages), Photo Critique, Bios + Prompts + Photo Captions, Wardrobe Feedback, Body Language, Smiles & More
Additional Reading: Filtered Photos On Dating Apps, Kitten-Fishing & More
Online Dating Resource Guide – Surveys, Studies, Podcasts, Articles & More
About Eddie Hernandez
Eddie Hernandez is a dating consultant & professional photographer based in San Francisco, servicing clients in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago and beyond as featured in the NYTimes, SFGate, ABC7News, East Bay Express, Salon; contributor to Good Men Project, Plenty Of Fish and Meddle.
In addition to photos, he provides guidance around app choice, bio optimization, messaging techniques, wardrobe advice, date planning, screening profiles, ID'ing red flags, offline techniques for meeting people organically, naturally.
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