Harsh Reality Of Online Dating: Do Dating Apps Work?

Truth About Online Dating: Does Online Dating Work? Do Dating Sites Work? Dating App Complaints, Biggest Problems With Dating Apps, Online Dating Issues

Do dating apps work? Are dating apps worth it? If you are new to online dating, this is something you have likely pondered. Online dating is everywhere. Everyone is on a dating app, if not, they are lying. People who made fun of dating apps and swore they would never use them are now addicted.

Just because everyone is dipping their toes into the online dating world doesn’t mean everyone knows what they are doing, is having fun or doesn’t regret creating a profile. Online dating opinions will vary depending on whom you ask but one thing is for sure, not everyone and everything is what it seems.

Sure there are plenty of success stories on blogs, social media and company pages, but for every success story, there are dozens of frustrated men and women who never get likes, matches, dates or quality dates.

Like all things in life, you get in what you put in with online dating. Even then, plenty of people waste their time with bad advice and poor execution. Improving efforts can take months, even years, depending on your situation.

Sometimes a break is needed. Below are some eye-opening tips and online dating myths to be aware of so you are not caught off-guard with unrealistic expectations.

Online Dating App Experience: What To Expect From Online Dating, Online Dating Issues

Yes, you can meet some great people on dating apps, but that is not the norm if you lack effort, self-awareness, lack of realistic expectations, self-sabotaging items on your dating profile or bad online dating etiquette. Online dating frustration exists for many people, and if it goes unchecked, it can take a toll on your well-being.

There are many things that need to go right in order to have a good experience using dating apps including photos, location, demographics, writing skills, first impressions, timing, app choice, style, lifestyle choices and more.

Beyond profiles, swiping etiquette is often overlooked and done mindlessly. Dating app fatigue is real, below are some things one should know before jumping off the deep end.

Does Online Dating Work? Unrealistic Expectations, Frustrations & Ugly Truth

Dating apps are a great way to meet people outside one’s social circle. Given busy schedules, inability to leave the house, concern with hopping in a cab or on public transportation, people are relying on apps like Bumble, Hinge and Tinder to meet someone.

But this is where it gets tricky as ‘looking to meet someone’ means different things for different people. Lies are common on dating apps and knowing how to temper expectations is key.

Dating apps are merely a tool. They are not ordering apps. Whether or not they will work for you depends on you, your effort, your self-awareness, your smiles, your appearance, your wardrobe, your lifestyle, your writing skills, your date ideas, your etiquette and more.

Before you commit too much time and effort to dating apps, it’s important to have a solid grasp of dating apps, understand what they can/can’t do, realize what it takes to succeed and be aware of all the ways you can potentially sabotage your dating profile.

Frustrations With Online Dating – What Do People Lie About On Dating Profiles

Some people lie about age, height, recency of photos, marital status, location, or job. Others misrepresent how much they like hiking. A few lie about being single or in the process of getting a divorce, separation. Read more about some of the most common lies people seen on dating apps.

Google kittenfishing. Lying about small things can sow doubt into the minds of others about other things about your profile, character and personality.

Why Is Online Dating So Hard For Guys, Girls: Dating Apps Don’t Work For Everyone

Whether it’s choosing the wrong app, using unflattering photos, having low energy, displaying low-effort, sounding generic or cliche or using poor grammar and pickup lines, most people never get a chance to make a good first impression.

Most people lack the ability to be objective and free from bias – friends are not necessarily better. When in doubt, get independent advice from trusted sources.

Even with a great profile and photos, if you are on the wrong app, have unrealistic expectations around age, distance, lifestyle choices, are swiping right too often or too quickly or use bad first lines, you can derail all the effort you put into a profile.

Too many people focus all their attention on photos or prompts or even first lines but many are unwilling to face the fact that they are swiping on people too far away, too old/young, those with conflicting lifestyle choices or those that are significantly more attractive than you or more educated than you.

The more you get left swiped by those you swipe right on, the less visible you will be to those you are most interested in and the more likely you will be shown less desirable profiles.

Related read: Online Dating Myths & Misconceptions

Online Dating Is Demoralizing: Anxiety, Loneliness & Self-Esteem, Online Dating Is Depressing

It’s true, dating apps can leave you worse off than before the app download. People should join dating apps to meet others with the intention of opening up their lives, being a bit vulnerable and possibly going on a date with other person.

Downloading an app to find someone to lift you up is the wrong reason to join apps. It’s a selfish reason to expect others to be your therapist, friend, partner, etc. right off the app.

Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work: Dating Apps Are Not Necessarily Better, Than Offline

Online dating is merely another channel to meet others outside your daily routing and life. Sure one can meet a cute girl or guy within seconds but the process to exchange messages, wait for responses, decipher meetings, clarify details and carry momentum and chemistry can seem not only exhausting but repetitive depending on how matches you connect with.

Dating takes time, patience, resiliency, communication skills and authenticity. The ability to read people and analyze them is an incredible skill to have to have a fighting chance at being successful on dating apps. Here are some alternatives to dating apps if online dating is not for you.

Do People Read Dating Profiles? Do Guys Read Dating Profiles? 

Some do, some don’t. Some volume swipe without looking or only looking at photos (skipping bio, prompts). Others don’t care and hope their profiles are good enough to overcome any deal-breakers you listed.

Buzzfeed article: https://www.buzzfeed.com/stephenlaconte/dating-app-secrets-employees-tell-all-reddit 

Ugly Truth About Dating Apps: You Are Only As Attractive As Your Worst Photo.

This is unfortunate but true. Using more photos is not necessarily better. An unflattering photo or inconsistent look, appearance (hair color, hairstyle, facial hair, tan, hair length, weight, choice of clothes, people in the photo or location of the photo) all provide clues and signals.

Some people can view inconsistency as having and unstable life or lack of confidence in one’s appearance. Others can view it as identity crisis.

Get feedback from trusted sources. Here is an introductory guide to dating app photos.

Assume You Will Be Judged By Your First, Main Photo Only When Swiping

Some people, in an effort to be efficient and save time, will swipe left or right based on the first, main photo. Upon matching, he/she may review the profile in more detail and decide to start a conversation or unmatch.

Others swipe right on every profile for efficiency and then message or reply to ones they are most interested in. Don’t assume someone will take the time to see your profile profile and all your photos when liking you.

Similarly, not everyone puts their best foot forward. Take time to look at the other photos and rest of the profile. Finding hidden gems is a great way to find people who are super confident in themselves or are not jaded yet by bombardment of unwanted attention. Patience and the ability to analyze photos is a great skill to have.

No Replies, No Responses On Bumble, Hinge. How To Get More Replies, Responses

Just because you get a match or even a message, doesn’t mean the person is interested. Even if the person is interested, it’s only temporary. Their interest might not align with the romantic interest you assumed.

People experience a paradox of choice on dating apps. Other people are courting said person. Reasons for not replying might be lack of effort, didn’t read the profile, accidental right swipe, person changed their mind, person looked you up online or someone better came along. Don’t take things personally.

Don’t internalize ghosting or rejection. Dating apps require thick skin, patience, self-awareness as well as the ability to screen profiles and read people.

Ghosted Online Dating, Online Dating Time Wasters – Online Dating Doesn’t Work

It’s inevitable. It will happen to some people more than others. It might happen after a few messages, first video chat, first date or hook-up. It’s important to be patient, ask questions, be cautious (but optimistic).

People can sense negativity a mile away. If you are unable to give the match in front of you a clean slate and approach them enthusiastically and optimistically, you will fail miserable with dating apps. Inability to trust or be non-judgmental will factor greatly on whether you will succeed with dating apps.

Don’t get jaded if this happens more than once. Learn to screen profiles, read people (communication, photos, bio, prompts and answers). Focus on those that match your effort, enthusiasm, etiquette and responsiveness.

It’s best not to reply, or engage with someone that ghosts you – that will either show them that they have power over you or you are still thinking about them. Move on, don’t acknowledge them. If you can’t afford to be picky, improve your appearance and profile so you don’t have to put up with such people.

People who ghost are mostly strangers and those that have not invested time, dates, effort into getting to know you. Even if they do, doesn’t mean anything. People can change their mind, meet others or quite often be in a bad mental state of mind. Don’t take it personal.

Ghosting on dating sites happens enough times not to let it affect you. Don’t overly invest yourself in a stranger that you have not met. This is why you shouldn’t use dating apps if you are depressed and lonely.

Read: Online Dating Rejection, Etiquette

Likes, Matches Mean Nothing On Dating Apps. Don’t Take Things Personally, Too Seriously

Just because you receive a like or match with someone doesn’t mean anything. People quickly swipe through apps and then review photos, bios and answers in more detail after matching. They also compare you against other matches.

Don’t overly invest yourself early on in a stranger. Learn to identify signals of effort, interest and etiquette in someone’s profile, communications and date ideas.

Be optimistic but realistic. Just because a guy matches with you on Bumble doesn’t mean he is interested in you.

Guys typically employ a volume approach with dating apps (swipe on everyone and then re-evaluate profiles you match with later and focus on those that exert the most effort or are the most attractive).

Talk to several people, make sure the other person matches your effort, energy, enthusiasm, etiquette, responsiveness and intent.

Some People Will Lie On Dating Apps About Their Intentions or Lead Others On

Look out for possible red flags: excessive compliments on looks, sexual innuendos, slow response time, lack of effort, briefs answers, no questions asked, never starting a conversation, changing the subject, choosing dates that only involve drinking or going over to a date’s place.

Google love bombing and other dating terms and lingo. It’s not uncommon for a guy to have a regular profile on CMB, Hinge and Bumble only to have a hookup profile on Tinder.

Similarly just because someone checked off a box for looking for a relationship, doesn’t mean they want a relationship at all or even with you. Some guys lie in order to sleep with women.

Other guys can be indecisive and change their minds quickly at the first encounter with tough situations in relationships. This is why it’s important to take time to get to know each other, go on a variety of dates, experience challenging situations to see how others react.

You can get an idea of what someone is like by the way they treat kids, wait staff, taxi drivers, homeless folks as well as hearing to their views on politics, economy, religion, etc. Ignoring deep conversations is a great way misread people.

People Lack The Ability To Be Honest, Authentic, Candid

At some people will make lame excuses, go radio silent for periods of time, pop-up randomly down the road, or simply lack the ability to be honest.

Whether it’s fear of being hurt, lack of maturity, not knowing what one wants or try to limit emotional exposure, people tend to shy away from confrontation, difficult conversations and ambiguity.

Don’t make excuses for others. Don’t forgive those who don’t ask for forgiveness or are not sincere. Don’t be afraid to be single rather than staying in a toxic relationship. These are some red flags to look out for.

Dating Apps Are Merely Introduction Apps – You Don’t Date Online.

Dating occurs once you meet. If you don’t meet, you are not dating. Don’t overly invest in someone (time, emotions) without spending time with them first. Loneliness and depression can create a false sense of connection or existence of a relationship.

Ask questions, have difficult conversations, put yourself out there. You meet online but date offline.

Do Dating Apps Ruin Self-Esteem? Emotional Toll, Fatigue, Burnout

It’s ok to take a break or delete apps altogether. Many people are not mentally or emotionally ready for dating. Others don’t know how to screen people, read red flags, nor call it quits and move on.

A number of people don’t know what they want or lack the self-restraint to deprioritize looks, career, pedigree and place more value and weight in character, manners, personality.

I typically recommend people to start off with 1 dating app at first to see what photos work best, understand how dating apps works and then switch apps or expand usage to fine-tune desired profiles or accelerate meeting others.

The volume approach with dating apps can be depressing if you lack self-awareness, a good profile or don’t know what you want.

Online Dating Is Competitive: Truth About Online Dating

Male to female gender ratios can be brutal, especially for guys in their early 20s and in tech heavy areas like San Jose (Man Jose), Seattle (Manattle) and Denver (Menver). It’s not surprising to see male/female ratios crawl up to 1.5 to 1 or even 3+ to 1 in some cities.

If the odds are so challenging, why bother? Well plenty of people self-sabotage their profiles with bad photos, incomplete/lazy bios, poor app choice, unflattering outfits, poses, and environments that is quite easy to leapfrog the competition if you invest in your heath, appearance, style, body language, expressions, writing skills and photos.

People Attract Who They Are, Not What They Seek.

It’s not enough to desire something or someone. What people observe is what will ultimately dictate if they are attracted to someone. Apps, other people are equally to blame in addition to one’s own actions, efforts and signals.

If you attract immature people, only get contacted by those looking for a hookup or get ghosted regularly, take a deep look in the mirror. Look at the dating profiles, communication, photos – what do they signal?

Communication Skills Are Critical In Online Dating

Yes, photos and biographical information is key but communication skills will destroy you. Inability to engage a match, poor texting skills, inability to plan dates, and difficulty maintaining online chemistry for periods of time are where most people fail.

Short answers, not initiating the message, delayed responses to messages or using poor grammar will offset your otherwise perfect profile. Online dating messaging etiquette should not be overlooked. Getting a match is not the real hurdle with dating apps, the biggest hurdle is getting a date from a match.

Paying For Premium Will Not Always Result In More Matches

Most boosts on dating apps will show your profile more often and sooner to others but it won’t make you more attractive. These additional users are typically outside one’s preferences/filters, i.e. distant, younger/older, or from bots/scammers that have yet to be kicked off the platform.

Sure it helps to be seen sooner by people on the app but if you are not getting likes and messages from real people already, don’t assume paying for bells and whistles will help you out.

There is nothing quite like investing in your photos, smiles, wardrobe, app choice, approachability, communication skills, bio, answers to prompts etc. to get more quality likes and matches on dating apps.

Paying For Professional Dating Photos May Not Help

Most photographers advertising themselves as dating profile photographers are merely portrait photographers that are over-extending their services. Less than 5% of photographers are actually any good at taking photos for dating apps.

Many have never used dating apps, are single or think headshots orstiff, staged photos with the blurry backgrounds are good for dating profiles. Every week I get contacted by individuals needing to re-do their dating photos taken by other photographers who misrepresented themselves.

Are Dating Apps Damaging To Your Mental Health?

Yes, they can be if you invest too much and don’t see any results or get fixated on dating apps and use it to measure your self-worth. Be excited but don’t overly invest yourself too early in others. Date with purpose, focus.

Frustrated With Online Dating: Should I Try A Matchmaking Service?

This is a common question I get from people, and it makes sense to understand the tradeoffs between the two before investing a lot of money on such services. Cost, reputation, success rates, and realistic expectations all need to be considered.

Biggest Problems With Online Dating, Biggest Problems With Dating Apps

Not everyone is on dating apps for the same reasons you are. Not everyone is ready to date. Some people are looking for validation or attention. Some people are dating others. You are not competing in a silo – you are competing against others.

Strangers don’t owe you anything, not even for being a nice guy. No one owes you anything just because you paid for a date. Not everyone possesses the same etiquette as you and others. Dating requires thick skin, effort, awareness, skills and patience

Is Online Dating Harder For Men Than For Women? Are Dating Apps Worth It For Guys?

It can be. Gender ratios are not helpful but many guys lack self-awareness, effort, decent photos, timing, hygiene, grooming skills, smiles etc.

Guys can overcome such odds with basic common sense but many lack this as the average guy never gets independent, unbiased feedback on their profiles nor do many have realistic expectations to begin with.

Does Online Dating Work For Average Guys? Dating Apps Don’t Work For Guys

It can but not really. The average guy uses self-sabotaging photos, has poor writing skills, bad timing, has unrealistic expectations, doesn’t dress well, and doesn’t smile. Common sense doesn’t exist for the average person on dating apps.

That doesn’t mean dating apps are not worth it, it just means you will have to be some serious, focused effort and not just dabble in dating apps. Online dating success requires an investment of time, effort, planning, strategy, presence and yourself.

Dating App Fatigue, Online Dating is Exhausting: Bad Things About Online Dating

Online dating takes time. Not everyone is patient. It can be made more efficient, and effective with increased abilities to screen profiles, read people, write well and take good photos.

Beyond the profile, online dating requires people to be in a good place mentally and develop hobbies, skills, and first impressions that attract the people they seek. This can include facial hair, weight, skin tone, lifestyle, smiles, wardrobes and more. 

With that said, if you are spending too much time on dating apps without any meaningful results, take a break, get some help and work on yourself. Insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different results.

Related read: Taking A Break From Dating Apps

Do Dating Sites Work? Online Dating Opinion, Online Dating Culture

No, that’s because you date offline. You use dating apps for introductions. You don’t date online. Online dating is a common misnomer. Do dating sites work? Sure but they are merely a tool. Not everyone knows how to use them and people should use them sparingly and not depend on them for all or even most of their dating efforts.

Average Time Needed To Find A Relationship On Online Dating

The average time needed to find a relationship via online dating can vary by user and luck. It can be 6-18 months or longer, or never. It really depends on your demographics, effort, location, deal-breakers, effort, self-awareness.

Sure, some people have found a relationship in weeks but that is not the norm or the expectation one should have. Focus on the type of person you want to attract rather than the outcome (i.e. relationship).

Lots of variables like grooming habits, personality, hobbies, interests, communication skills, hairstyle, lifestyle choices affect chances for success as well as location, height, ethnicity, education, job, politics, religions, preferences, deal-breakers and location factor into how much average time is needed to find a relationship via online dating.

How Long Is The Average Person On Dating Sites? Downside Of Dating Apps

It can vary – some people meet people someone soon within months, some give up after getting burned out, others are on and off the apps for years, and some people are on apps for years without anything to show for it.

Online Dating Success Rate: Online Dating As A Man, Woman, Dating App Success Rate

Online dating success rates will vary based on location, appearance, gender, wardrobe, height, confidence, job, weight, education, politics, religion, lifestyle choices, ability to screen profiles, read people be patient and effort. Spending more time does not mean more success. Paying for premium won’t lead to more matches nor dates.

Self-awareness, strategic focus, realistic expectations, patience, and focus are needed. There are no shortcuts.

TL;DR: Online Dating Expectations, Unrealistic Expectations Dating Apps

Most people are either biased about themselves as people, their writing skills or photos. Many lack realistic expectations about how dating apps work, how interested people are in them and how much time it can take to meet people.

Dating apps are not for everyone, especially those that put in little effort, lack focus, lack self-awareness, lack social skills or are unhappy in their lives. Even if you have all these boxes checked off, height, religion, politics, weight, lifestyle choices, education, skin color, hygiene, hair, wardrobe, voice, hobbies, interests all matter.

It could also be there is no one in your area that you are interested in. If you don’t see anyone you like at the bar, cafes, grocery stores or local events then likely there will not be many options online either.

Related read: Am I Too Ugly For Online Dating?

What Are Men Looking For On Dating Sites? Downside Of Online Dating, Online Dating Myths

That depends, everyone is different. Could be friends, penpals, travel guide, hookup, date, company (loneliness), validation (attention), serious relationship with or without kids, marriage, green card, victim for scam. Take your pick.

Learning to be patient, ask questions, screen profiles, read people, ID red flags and do your own background checks help to reduce uncertainty.

What Is Online Dating Like For Women? What Is It Like For A Woman On Dating Apps?

Lots of unwanted attention, poor etiquette, lack of effort, mixed signals, lots of likes and matches but few responses, lots of guys wanting hookups, bad communication skills and occasional ghosting, lying about age, height, marital status, recency of photos, having kids etc.

Related read: Most common lies on dating apps.

How To Know If Boyfriend/Husband Is On Dating Apps

Contact me for details.

Why Do Men Swipe Right More Than Women On Dating Apps? Unspoken Truths Of Dating Apps

Laziness, efficiency, less picky and using a volume approach to online dating. Men are less likely to care about politics, religion, age, education, distance and other lifestyle choices. They know there are fewer women on dating apps and that not all matches on Bumble message their matches so they just play the odds. It’s a rather sad approach but it is the reality.

Average Bumble Matches For A Girl, Unwritten Rules Of Dating Apps

On average, it’s much higher than men given the gender ratios on the apps. Don’t waste your time extending matches, holding out hope. Focus on what you can control, influence i.e. health, wardrobe, smile, bio, prompts, lifestyle choices, hobbies, interests etc.

Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work For Guys, Why Is Tinder, Bumble Are Bad For Average Guys

Given sheer gender ratios on dating apps, there are not enough women for all the men on dating apps. Similarly, not everyone is ready to date, not everyone knows what they are doing and not everyone has realistic expectations.