Online Dating Etiquette Guide, Unspoken Rules

Online Dating Etiquette, Asking For Numbers, Dating Multiple People, When To Meet,  Not Interested, Dating Rules, Dating App Etiquette Men, Women

When it comes to online dating, the waters have been muddied by indecisiveness, access to devices that allow for instantaneous communication, access to unlimited profiles at ones’ fingertips, anonymity behind profiles and selective piece feeding information about ones’ intent, history, appearance, age, job status, height, weight and more.

Matches mean nothing on dating apps! Without effort, communication skills and timing, matches will not yield any dates. Online dating culture can be a tricky thing to figure out as many folks follow advice, see poor examples to follow and quickly become jaded by excessive ghosting, harassment, lack of likes and matches and poor experience on dating apps.

Here is an etiquette and best practices guide to help you navigate online dating so you improve messaging response rates, develop a health mindset so that your profile does not invite negative attention and analyze profiles and profiles to screen profiles more easily and effectively.

Unwritten Rules Of Dating Apps: Do’s And Don’ts Of Online Dating,

What I am going to discuss below is more of an honest, idealistic approach to dating with an intent of building relationships and less so for casual hookups.

Some people will disagree with what I have to say because years of rejection, depression, anxiety, dishonesty, catfishing have left many jaded and unable to remain optimistic and give the next match a clean slate.

Unfortunately not everyone carries these same sets of values on honesty when dating but my hope here is to improve dating etiquette for the masses by offering transparent advice on a subject than is flooded with conflicting advice, articles written for clickbait and articles biased by genders, roles or audiences.

(for additional FAQ’s about online dating apps, profiles, photos, bio, read this guide)

Unwritten Rules Of Dating Apps: Do’s And Don’ts Of Online Dating,

What I am going to discuss below is more of an honest, idealistic approach to dating with an intent of building relationships and less so for casual hookups.

Some people will disagree with what I have to say because years of rejection, depression, anxiety, dishonesty, catfishing have left many jaded and unable to remain optimistic and give the next match a clean slate.

Unfortunately not everyone carries these same sets of values on honesty when dating but my hope here is to improve dating etiquette for the masses by offering transparent advice on a subject than is flooded with conflicting advice, articles written for clickbait and articles biased by genders, roles or audiences.

(for additional FAQ’s about online dating apps, profiles, photos, bio, read this guide)

Proper Online Dating Etiquette: Do’s And Don’ts Of Dating Apps

I wish this information did not have to be inserted into this post under etiquette but it needs to be said – stop lying on your profile. Adding a few inches, lying about your location is a no-no.

Some people think adding a few inches is harmless but as petty or insignificant you might think height is, have some respect for the people you meet and their wishes. If you have to lie about your height chances are you a bit insecure or rather your little lie is a sign of more deceit to come – either way it’s not a good look. The same can be said about those that lie about their age.

When it comes to location, some people think it’s ok to put an alternate location whether it’s a location closer to or in a city (more people, more options) or completely lie about their location altogether (true for people in town).

It’s one thing to put down a location that is geo-located and you have no control over and you are looking for something casual but if your intention is to deceive someone, don’t be that person.

Job titles and descriptions are a point of contention among online daters. Listing something vague like entrepreneur can be taken as unemployed. One should balance privacy when on dating apps but being totally vague or not listing an industry and function will lead to fewer quality dates.

This is not a matter of being shallow but rather understanding one’s lifestyle (how many hours at work can be expected, does the person work a 9-5, etc.).

If something on your profile is outdated, update it. It takes less than 30 seconds to do so. Assume that people will think the worst of you (unemployed, looking for something casual, spammer, bot) if your profile is incomplete or too vague.

Kids and Marital Status, Dating As A Single Parent

If you have kids, you should be upfront and honest about having them. Listing how many and how old they are is suffice, no photos needed.

Omitting this info on a profile will just result in people ghosting you after one date as they see it as a sign of deception and insecurity. More on kids on dating profiles here on this post.

If you are divorced or separated, be truthful about that as well. Most people do not mind about dating divorcees, widows or people that are separated but if you lie about the status or lie about your ultimate intent in filing for divorce, you cannot be trusted. People will assume you are out for deception or something casual.

Similarly, do not date people who display too many red flags i.e. out of town, no social media, burner photos, has a tan line on the wedding ring, takes all calls privately, only wants to hang out in dark places, hotel rooms etc. Chances are the person is married. 

Swiping Etiquette On Dating Apps (Swiping Right Too Much)

Read this guide.

Unspoken Rules Of Online Dating: Photo Accuracy On Dating Profiles

One of the biggest complaints of dating apps are misleading photos. Whether the photos show the person with more hair, thinner build, different hairstyle etc. it’s something that is a pet peeve among those on dating apps.

As a rule of thumb, all photos on a dating profile should be taken within the last 2-3 years and/or reflect how you appear in person today. That means no photoshopping, no skin softening, no photos take years ago, no photos from weird angles taken purposely to make you appear thinner.

People are aware of these tricks – they will double check Facebook and LinkedIn profiles, they will assume heavily edited or staged photos are the best case scenario and assume your worst photo is closer to your actual appearance.

Similarly, using sunglasses to cover your face is an obvious sign you are not comfortable or confident in your looks. Using one sunglasses photo at the beach or sunny place is one thing but littering them on your profile will cause people to left swipe on you.

If you don’t reflect yourself in an honest and accurate manner in your photos, don’t be surprised if someone gets up and walks away from you on a date within the first 5 minutes after being deceived. If you lie or are insecure about your looks, what else can be expected?

(What kind of photos you should use on your profile.)

Dating App Messaging Etiquette: Asking For Phone Numbers, Texting Rules

Read this guide.

First Date Etiquette (Who Pays, Rescheduling etc.)

Read this guide.

Online Dating Etiquette: Should A Woman Ask A Guy Out On A Date?

Absolutely. Too many women take a passive seat in their lives and wait for men (many below their standards) to hit on them and ask them out.

It makes more sense to ask out the guy one wants than sift through dozens of date requests from people one doesn’t care for. If you are too nervous about asking a guy out or are too shy to ask a man out, drop subtle hints.

If you are talking about food or a restaurant talk about how you’ve always want to go to a particular place. Drop the opening so he can initiate the date. I understand some women don’t want to ask someone out and be vulnerable with a rejection (welcome to the life of a man) but this is a great compromise to drop the subtle hint without seeming desperate.

Guys love attention especially more quite, reserved guys who are likely as you to be nervous or unsure where you stand with going out on a date.

Waiting too long to be asked out can be frustrating. If he doesn’t get the hint you should feel safe to move on rather than wait too long for him.

Dating App Culture: Dating Multiple People, Defining The Relationship (DTR), Exclusivity

When it comes to dating, people can often times infer more about what is happening or at least understood. Dating is a courting process in which parties are learning about each other. Unless specifically discussed, assume the person you are dating is still on the dating app, is on other dating apps or is dating other people.

This is especially true when sex is involved and no other details about exclusivity is involved. It’s weird I know but some people are more comfortable having sex than discussing their feelings. Being vulnerable and brutally is difficult for many people.

If you are not good at communicating or having difficult conversations, online dating can be extremely brutal. DTR (defining the relationship) is the social reference in which people dating discuss their intent with the other person (or people depending on the arrangement).

Just because someone deletes the app doesn’t mean you are exclusive (they can just be hiding it from you or can be on other apps).

Similarly, requesting exclusively after 1 date can seem rather soon. Dating takes time to get to know one another.

Going on several dates and of varying kinds (not just drink dates, nor late night PDA sessions) will help expose you to other sides of an individual. Observing events, attending restaurants with service staff, asking questions are just one of many ways to learn about your date.

If you want things to progress, delete the dating app, delete you account, tell the person you did these things and talk about being exclusive. Muddying the waters by having an active account can place a lot of anxiety in the person and less likely to make a move towards progressing the relationship and being exclusive. Take the lead!

Dating Etiquette: Multiple Dating Profiles On Dating Apps – Unspoken Rules of Dating Apps

As I referenced above, it’s not uncommon for your date to be seeing others particularly before you have had the talk and decided to become exclusive. What isn’t so obvious is that some people can have multiple profiles across various apps signaling different things.

Rare but it is not unheard of for someone to have a relationship focused profile on Hinge, CMB or Bumble and a hookup profile on Tinder (all the more reason to communicate with your dates before having sexual relationships).

Some people will take what they can get and it can be unsettling if someone is taking things slow with you given they are hooking up and having sex with others on the side. Being attractive, having a successful career and displaying a fun, interesting side of you is not an exhaustive template for dating success.

Many folks fail at the soft skills needed for successful dating (communication, emotional IQ, mental stability and honesty about knowing what they want).

Letting People Down, Not Interested And Unmatching,  Online Dating Rules

One of the most awkward, uncomfortable parts of online dating is letting the other person know you don’t want to see them. Ideally one does this in person at the end of the date but there are a few good reasons not to especially if you are a woman and don’t feel safe.

Simply unmatching or ghosting after a date is poor behavior unless it is obvious no 2nd date is established or if you feel mislead, lied to or feel unsafe.

Unless you have been dating for a while, it is not necessary to give details for your decision. Simply stating you are not interested or want to focus on other people is suffice. Providing too much information without being asked can be awkward. However, if someone asks for reasons/feedback do so with caution. Some people will use these arguments and attempt to counter them.

Unfortunately some people don’t take things well and so before you get to know someone, it might be safe to stay on the app to document all communication in one place whether to report to authorities or to the app. One shouldn’t date because they are lonely, looking for pen-pals or need validation – there are other platforms for that (Meetup, chat rooms, forums, Instagram).

If you don’t see a future or at the very least are not enthusiastic and interested about the date, don’t lead people on.

Online Dating Culture: Love Bombing And Leading People On

(This is more of a safety alert but still is an etiquette briefing nonetheless. A common theme I keep reverting to is reading too much into dates, people with an investment of time, prioritization, affection, treatment and communication. This next item is something many people are falling for now more than ever given increasing loneliness in a technological centric world).

For folks on dating apps that are recently single, have insecurities, possess a low emotional IQ, have a tough time reading people, are lonely or even depressed, you may be at a high risk for a manipulation tactic called ‘love-bombing.’

It essentially occurs when a person bombards you with compliments, attention, flirtation etc. in order to let down your guard to take advantage of you emotionally, financially, physically or psychologically. Even your average Joe or Jane can be victims. People scour photos, past history, social media, etc. to find vulnerable target. Profiles that feature excessive selfies can be seen as a sign of weakness.

Remember, online dating is a misnomer – dating apps are merely introduction apps. You can’t develop a meaningful relationship so quickly and distant without some time, patience, in-person communication, physical affection etc.

Don’t hand out personal financial accounts and records to strangers, don’t trust anyone too quickly especially without meeting in person first, date locally, have dates meet your friends, family and colleagues and trust your gut. If something is too good to be true it probably is.

What Are You Looking For? How To Answer This Question On Dating Apps

Inevitably you will get asked this by a few people (mostly by women but men too). It’s a rather loaded, abrupt and intrusive question to ask up front on a first date or early messages. Asking this seems like an interview question of where do you see yourself in 5 years?

There are plenty of indirect, related questions that are more subtle and insightful and less obtrusive. It also suggests distrust, insecurity or inability to screen people based on prior experiences. Look for clues in their photos, bio, passions, priorities, texts, etc.

The first few dates and messages are for learning about others, seeing if you are attracted to that person, discovering if there is chemistry etc.

If you need qualifiers, work on your people reading skills i.e. analyze photo, photo captions, app choice, messaging, prompts/answers, lifestyle, work status etc. There are plenty of ways to learn about where someone is in their life with whipping out this dreaded phrase.

Deleting Dating Apps: Making Assumptions, Reading Too Much Into Things

In this day in age, people are having more difficulty expressing feelings, emotions, vulnerability desires etc. at the expense of getting rejected, seeming too unreasonable, not wanting to alter the status quo or shyness. Unfortunately this set of behavior can lead to a lot of ambiguity.

Just because someone holds your hand, says I love you, has met your friends, has deleted the dating app you two met on or planned a vacation with you doesn’t mean you are exclusive or both of you see things the same way. As easy as it is to meet someone online via dating apps, it’s easy to meet more people.

Unless you have serious discussions about your status, future and what you each desire don’t read into actions or assume things are going the way you like. Some people use ambiguity as a cop-out to excuse themselves to remove blame when seeing others or not establishing a relationship.

These assumptions are particularly true if you don’t see each other often, live in different cities, only see each other on weekends, business trips or last minute travels. There needs to be a balance of give and take – don’t give too much of yourself to someone who does not reciprocate time, effort, energy, enthusiasm and prioritization.

Photos, Privacy, Blackmail On Dating Apps

The last thing I want to cover here when it comes to etiquette is digital footprints and safety – videos, chats, photos and blackmail. People often are too eager to trust folks they meet especially only after a few messages and perhaps a few dates. The thing is you never really know someone until you invest time and experiences together and over that time you can slowly build trust.

Unfortunately mobile phones has made it easier to send communication and bombard people with attention. That pressure has led to an increase of exchanges in sexting (chats sexual in nature), provocative photos, nude photos and video chats.

Once your image, likeness and movements are captured in digital form you should know that it is easy to share, copy this information with your family, friends, exes, colleagues, church and community.

Predators exist online and offline but increasingly there have been cases of revenge porn, recording video sex acts, nude photos and more through digital means. Limiting copies of (or refraining from creating) such private items is one thing you can do to reduce exposure from embarrassment and blackmail.

Don’t let anyone pressure you to take, send, capture nude photos or videos. There is no need to have digital items of yourself at all for any reason. Even something as subtle as the not so private images and videos on your dating profile should be reviewed.

If you are concerned your boss, family or church might see your profile, chances are you should think twice about what you post online even if you think it’s only for specific eyes only. Many cases of this nature don’t occur from a hacking but rather breakups gone bad.

Ghosting Etiquette: Is It Ok To Ghost Someone? What Ghosting Says About You

One should not ghost unless the person in question is a creep, makes you feel uncomfortable or poses a threat to you. In that case, document all communications, profiles, phone numbers, photos so you can have as evidence in case you have to report the person to authorities.

If you have not met, it’s not ghosting unless you made plans. It’s not considered ghosting if you exchanged a few, meaningless messages. Generally speaking, don’t ghost as it says a lot about you.

How To Know If Someone Is On A Dating Site? Dating App Etiquette

Ask them via email, text, call or in person next time you see them.