No Luck On Dating Apps (Hinge, Bumble); Guys Struggling With Online Dating Do Women Have It Easier On Dating Apps?

When it comes to dating apps, it seems like no one is doing well. Take a look at Reddit, online forums and discussion boards, and you will notice how often people post their frustrations and struggles with online dating. It feels like everyone hates dating apps, yet they continue to use them and depending on them for their dating efforts.

Setting up a dating profile is pretty quick and easy and this is partly why people have unrealistic expectations about dating apps. It takes less than 10 minutes to set up a profile and people treat Hinge/Bumble like Doordash/Ubereats -> select preferences, click add to cart and check out.

Dating apps are not easier or better than meeting people offline. Online dating is not harder nor worse than meeting people at a bar, cafe, or social function. Dating apps are merely a tool that require skills, strategy, self-awareness, writing skills, good photos and patience – many attributes that people lack. 

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Not Having Luck On Hinge, Not Having Luck On Bumble, No Luck With Online Dating

After reviewing thousands of profiles over the years, I can honestly say that most people don’t know how to use apps, are self-sabotaging their efforts, lack realistic expectations or are pretty naive about the whole process. I am not saying all failures or lack of results is all user error, but people tend to blame apps, others or things outside their control rather than focus on what they can influence, improve.

When you critique someone’s profile, photos, messages, date ideas or strategy, it can feel like a personal attack. It’s easier to blame something else that realize you are not doing everything possible to give yourself a fighting chance on apps.

Dating apps are not perfect, nor are they charities – they are for-profit businesses. Algorithms can make people feel that apps are out to keep them single and prevent them from seeing people they are most interested in. It’s important to understand that algorithms can be exploited, but things like swiping too much, swiping outside your league or being too predictable about who you are interested in can result in frustration.

For guys, they have to try extra hard on dating apps to overcome gender ratios that favor women. Yes, that seems unfair, but life is not fair. When dealing with love and dating, it is a tall ask to have someone give you their time and attention. No one should rely on dating apps for all or even most of their dating efforts – if dating apps don’t work for you, stop using them, simple.

Too many people don’t give dating the time and effort it deserves. Just because you spend 3 hours a day in the gym doesn’t mean you will be ripped. You can’t ignore things like technique, nutrition, sleep etc. – the same is true for dating. Swiping more, using more apps or sending more messages will not equate to better success. 

Image Consultant: Wardrobe, Social Skills & Lifestyle

Eddie is an image consultant in San Francisco with clients in NYC, LA, and beyond. He assists clients w/ fashion sense, social skills, hobbies & interests, etiquette, being more approachable around others & making friends.

Doing It All Alone – People Need Help To Stop Struggling On Dating Apps

Going back to the previous analogy of gyms and exercising, some people need help. It’s easy to be biased and ignore areas where you are struggling unless someone tells you. Even if you do everything by the book, it’s possible to struggle with dating apps and dating in general.

Dating apps don’t work for everyone and sometimes they work better for others. While my main focus is highlighting areas for improvement for clients, you can’t ignore obstacles along the way. Sometimes you can’t improve much if you are in a remote area, have preferences that are inconsistent with what women want or have lifestyle choices that are not that attractive.

I am not saying you should change your life or be someone you are not, but with respect to dating apps, if you fail to understand incompatible differences, you will struggle with dating apps as algorithms penalize people that swipe outside their league or ignore preferences of others.

Let’s say you are 5’6″ but you think to yourself that you can’t afford to be picky – that is a fair assumption. Offline, that is reasonable because some women are not as picky offline as they are offline. On dating apps, though, you are penalized based on the number of left swipes received relative to the right swipes you send. The more realistic/strategic you are, the better you do on dating apps.

 

Good Looking But No Luck On Dating Apps, No Luck On Tinder, No Luck On Bumble

Yes, looks are important but they are not everything. Good-looking people take bad photos all the time. Even if you have good photos, you can’t ignore incompatibility i.e. swiping outside your league, differing politics/religion, boring lifestyle, or things like age and distance.

Similarly, even if you have similar interests and lifestyles, that doesn’t mean you can be lazy and low-effort with your profile, bio, prompts or first messages. Even if you spend a lot of time crafting good messages, that won’t matter if they are generic and being sent by everyone else.

 

It’s Not Always About You – No Luck On Dating Apps

Dating is one of those things that many analytical folks don’t comprehend. They think if they do x, they will get y – it’s not like that. There are such things as timing, luck and competition.

You can go on a perfect first date but that doesn’t mean you will get a second one if the other person is going through some personal things, is already further along with someone else or realizes that they overlooked some deal-breakers. People have the right to change their mind.

Similarly, you can seem like a great catch on paper (job, career, height, wealth) but that doesn’t mean you can ignore things like personality, social skills, lifestyle choices and compatibility. Most guys who struggle with dating apps typically do the same thing over and over again or use the same technique with every woman rather than understand nuance, personal choice, timing and luck (I am looking at you engineers).

Sometimes people are boring. Sometimes people waste their time on time wasters or low-effort people. If this sounds like you, it could be you need to be more picky, work on yourself, learn to read people or stop using apps. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. 

See: How To Be Successful With Online Dating

 

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Is Online Dating Easier For Women? Do Men Have A Harder Time On Dating Apps

Ask any guy and they will say women have it easier. They will get more likes/matches so that means dating is easier for them – this is incel mentality. Men don’t have to worry about sexual assault, harassment, stalking at all or at least on the same scale women do.

I am not saying don’t sabotage their efforts at all (many do) but as a guy, you need to stop worrying about others and take care of yourself. If dating apps don’t work for you, stop using them.

Sometimes guys are boring, suck at social skills, don’t maintain proper hygiene, are terrible at reading people or put in low effort and rather than blame apps or women, it’s time you focus on what you can control otherwise you will become jaded and bitter (and no one likes that).

 

No Success On Hinge, Bumble As A Woman, No Success On Dating Apps Woman

Women tend to get more likes and matches than the average guy but that is a poor metric. Likes and matches mean nothing on apps, especially on ones like Bumble where guys tend to swipe right more. Don’t assume a guy read your profile, saw your photos or agrees to your preferences/deal-breakers on apps.

Similarly, get feedback on your effort, photos, bios/prompts and swiping strategy if you are not attracting quality men. You can’t avoid low-quality men and time wasters on dating apps but you can attract more high quality men if you make a great profile that shows your value.

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/06/style/dating-app-profile-differences.html

 

Dating Is Not About Luck

Dating is not a game of luck. It’s about skills, planning, focus, timing.

Dating is about effort, self-awareness, prioritization, and having realistic expectations.

Sure, there is an element of luck, but you can optimize it: Luck is when opportunity meets preparedness.

Stop blaming others, apps and culture. You have no right to blame others until you fix yourself and eliminate self-sabotage first.

 

About Eddie Hernandez

Eddie is a dating coach for men & women in San Francisco (clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, & beyond ), as seen in the NYT & Bumble). He helps w/ profiles, photos, wardrobe, messaging, date ideas, red flags, lifestyle choices, hobbies, grooming/hygiene, communication, social skills & offline efforts.