Dating A Bitter Man, Do Men Or Women Have It Harder Dating, Biggest Dating Complaints

These days, it feels like everyone is jaded from dating. Whether you are newly single, been single for years, have never used apps or are not short, unattractive, a POC, an engineer, an older woman, a recent male graduate or someone with opposing political views, dating feels hopeless.

As a dating coach, I have heard nearly every complaint out there from nearly every demographic. I get emails daily from prospective clients, I read about questions/comments on Quora/Reddit, I see disgruntled posts on Are We Dating The Same Guy groups on Facebook, I hear about it at bars, I read about it weekly in newspapers/magazines, and I scroll pass them on social media – it never ends.

The truth is, if any of these claims were completely true, no one would be dating, no one would be getting engaged, no one would be getting married and certainly no one would be moving to the burbs to start a family. I am not saying these claims are completely meritless, but I am saying is that there is a lot of pain, frustration, and negativity out there that is contributing to a dating demise.

 

Why Is Dating So Hard? Why Is Dating Hard For Men? Why Is Dating So Hard For Women?

Dating has changed quite a bit over the past decade – more and more people use apps as their only/main dating outlet; we now have a generation of youth who have never dated and are accustomed to a digital first life; people have more information about their first dates than every before; society is experiencing a difficult time thanks to covid, isolation, friends moving away, job loss, weight gain and depression.

People have fewer friends than ever. Social skills have regressed. News outlets push negative stories to generate clicks. People are no longer meeting others organically like before thanks to food ordering apps, WFH and the amount of time spent offline with others. Access to mental health professionals is more difficult than ever. Social media outlets are become echo chambers to confirm our pessimism, fears and hopelessness.

The increase in loneliness has increased the pressure people put on their partners and first dates. People are not expecting people to be their lover, social planner, therapist, financial advisor, chef, cleaner and best friend. These social interactions we took for granted (water cooler talks, conversations on the bus, chats with our baristas, rants to our bartenders, debates over trivia nights and walks with our work bff) are gone for many people.

Things are looking grim.

 

Funny Female Dating Profile Examples - Hinge Prompts

Men’s Dating Complaints, Women’s Dating Complaints; Jaded From Dating

I am not here to tell you things will get better. For many of you, things may actually get worse. There is no shortcut, no wand I can wave to make things better. Dating is unpredictable and unfair, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do to improve your situation. There is a lot of bad advice out there, and it’s partly due to the format/medium which it’s delivered that doesn’t allow for much nuance/context.

There is a reason why I choose to write on a blog vs deliver 30 sec clips on Instagram or make videos for YouTube or Tik-Tok. Most people who follow advice columns and dating coaches on social media want feel good about themselves, they want to hear what they want to hear. They don’t want to ready anything that will challenge their beliefs, question their effort, highlight lack of self-awareness or challenge them to stop venting.

This advice is strictly for those that want to take action now and not wait around for things to miraculously change overnight.

For men who complain about not being 6ft tall…

Guess what, plenty of guys under that height meet amazing women and in some cases find ones taller than them. It’s easy to overlook jaded attitude, poor hygiene, boring lifestyle, lack of social skills, solo/gender-dominated and homebody hobbies.

For women who complain that men never approach them…

It’s easy to ignore your obnoxious friends, the earphones in your ear, sitting in a booth with your back to the entire bar, dressing up like you are going to the gym vs going out to attract men.

For guys who complain that you can’t approach a woman offline these days…

Some women do want to be approached offline. The ability to read people, body language and understand soft skills like timing, tone, facial expressions and ability to improvise conversations is a skill many are lacking. These skills are sacrificed by WFH, computer jobs, being a homebody or choosing solo/gender-dominated interests like video games, BJJ, etc.

For women who complain about married men on dating apps…

Don’t expect apps to be different from a bar. They don’s screen people nor should they as they are simply introduction apps. You wouldn’t ask a bar to ban married men would you? You can’t rush things, you need to take your time to get to know someone. Unfortunately, there are men who are master manipulators out there who prey on vulnerable women who are in a rush to settle down, get married and have kids.

 

Online Dating Advice For Women

Screening Profiles, Why Don't Guys Reply, Low-Effort Messages, Overwhelmed w/ Matches, Signs He's Not Into You, What Your Dating Photos Signal, Coffee Dates, Lying About Age, 'No Hook-ups' In Profile & More

Dating App Complaints, Online Dating Issues

For the people who use dating apps…

No one said to use apps for all or even most of your dating efforts. No one told you to leave your bio blank, use vague answers on your answers to prompts, to send one-word opening lines or to omit key aspects about your life. People don’t care about which company you work at, but they do want to know what your schedule/availability is, they do want to assess if financial goals are in alignment

For those that have mostly selfies on your dating profiles…

Selfies can suggest loneliness, insecurity or at the very least distort your face making you appear heavier than you actually are. Timers work. Screenshots of videos help. You don’t need friends to take good photos BUT you likely will have a hard time dating as the same skills needed to acquire friends are needed to obtain dates.

For those that don’t send likes with comments, who wait for others to like them first or those who only send one-word introductory messages…

Low-effort leads to low-effort matches, dates. Sure, dating is a volume game to an extent but not for everyone, not for quality/high-value people who respect themselves and others. Your goal is not to maximize lies but to quickly weed out false positives asap.

You do this by having realistic expectations, always working on yourself, by not ignoring differing lifestyle choices/intentions and by not only putting in effort but by being unique, showing you read their profile, sending messages at strategic times and by optimizing your profile.

You can’t expect everyone on apps to see you as not everyone can see you (thanks to paywalls, algorithms, and flooding users with endless options/likes/notifications).

 

Modern Dating Complaints, Why Is Dating So Hard

For those that are attractive…

No said that being narcissistic is a good look. No one said that your bikini photos and shirtless photos are high-value signals to send to others. Increasing like counts doesn’t mean you will get better matches, higher quality dates or those seeking the same intentions as you.

 

For those that are smart/educated…

If that is all you have going for you, you are going to have a hard time competing with others. Intelligence is great but is worthless without culture, social skills, interesting personality, growth mindset, kindness, empathy, healthy lifestyle.

 

For those that are wealthy…

Money can only take you so far. Women are outpacing men with advanced degrees. Women are not as dependent on men as much as they were 20, 10 years ago. Similarly, being wealthy doesn’t make up for shitty personality, lack of manners, inability to be vulnerable and empathetic.

Related read: Women Need To Date Carpenters Like Men Date Yoga Instructors

 

For those that think everyone flakes, no one wants a relationship…

It takes 5 minutes to set up a dating profile. Likes mean nothing. That doesn’t mean apps don’t work, they do, but not everyone is ready to date, not everyone wants the same thing as you. Stop treating dating apps like food ordering apps – they are merely introduction apps. Don’t chase time wasters, don’t message people with blank profiles, don’t give people the benefit of the doubt if they haven’t done anything to deserve it.

 

For those that are too picky…

You have every right to be picky. Spending your life with someone is the most important decision you will likely make. You have to understand the differences between preferences and deal-breakers. The more deal-breakers you have, the longer it will take to find a partner.

That doesn’t mean you should settle, it means it will take time, and you will need to prioritize dating like you made time for studying, making friends, saving for a down payment, getting fit, and building your career. These items took you years with laser focus and effort – dating is no different.

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Final Thoughts… Why Is Dating So Hard Now? Why Is Dating So Hard For Me?

You don’t have to check off every box or take every piece of advice I listed above to do well. Nothing is all or nothing in life, especially in dating, but the more you invest in yourself, the easier dating will be.

You can ignore every piece of advice here and stumble on love on your next match/date. Similarly, you can do everything I say and still bomb. Dating is not like studying for a test, saving up for a home or working for a promotion. Just because you do X doesn’t mean you get Y.

Things like timing, individual choice, competition, soft skills, self-awareness etc. matter, and they matter more than you think. This is a tough pill to swallow, especially those that are wealthy, intelligent, attractive or those that reduce dating to single/simple attributes like this. 

You attract who you are, not what you seek. You also can’t just want something, you need to work for it. Sure, some people have it easier than others, but that doesn’t mean you should give up and accept things in life. There is always room for improvement. 

In every situation I have observed from single folks who struggled with dating, there was always some glaring bias, red flag, lack of effort, misconception, unhealthy attitude or lack of self-awareness. Friends and family are biased. People are often dismissive about their efforts as it can feel like a personal attack.

It’s easier to blame men, women, apps, culture, location etc. rather than focus on what you can control, influence and improve. Too many people blame the items above when there are usually multiple other reasons why they are single, struggle with dating.

Even if you do everything right, you may not have enough time to date/make time for someone. You may live in an area without options. Sometimes you will have to make significant changes in your life to get what you want. 

About Eddie Hernandez

Eddie is a dating coach for men & women in San Francisco (clients in NYC, LA, Chicago, & beyond ), as seen in the NYT & Bumble). He helps w/ profiles, photos, wardrobe, messaging, date ideas, red flags, lifestyle choices, hobbies, grooming/hygiene, communication, social skills & offline efforts.