First Messages: How To Start A Conversation with a Girl on Dating Apps Like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel.
There is a tremendous amount of information and coverage around photos for online dating profiles these days – endless source of tips, tricks and secrets circulating all over the internet. As an online dating photographer, my goal is to not only make sure clients have great, natural photos but also have the supporting captions and profile to entice conversations beyond matching. If you have managed to successfully navigate those waters and happen to match with a special someone — great! Congratulations!
You might think the hard part is done but many people fail to turn matches into successful conversations let alone dates! There is a tremendous pressure to play it cool yet be charming, witty and smooth but a large number of men end up going nowhere at this stage. It is not uncommon for less than 10% of matches to end up with a first date, for some <1% is not uncommon. So many things can go wrong that it is important to highlight some tips to minimize the low responses from matches. In the age where profiles can be created instantly with Facebook, online dating has led to uncanny amount of one word opening lines… Hi, Hey, Hello or if you are lucky two words — What’s up, Hello there etc. No other words in online dating are as anti-climatic than these right here.
Men have been notorious for this behavior for years and with the rise of Bumble (the anti-Tinder) women have fallen into the same habits that have been condemned for years. My rule of thumb is that online dating apps are merely an introduction and are still governed by the same old rules chivalry and common decency as offline approaches. This goes true for opening lines. If you are a man who says hi to a girl at the grocery store and say nothing more, that would be awkward. Same goes for online dating apps. So why would you open up a conversation with so few, effortless words? I am not advocating people pour out their life story, exude every emotion or even use a pick up line but what I am advocating is putting some more thought and effort into your opening lines and ice-breakers.
Respond in a timely manner. Apps like Bumble or Coffee MeetsBagel force you to respond with a set time-frame so that is taken care of but other apps like Match, OkCupid or Tinder have no time limit. Follow up in the same amount of time you would to a friend’s email or recruiter’s email. That can be a matter of hours (3–6 hours or 1–2 days). There are exceptions to the rule i.e. out on vacation or dealing with a personal matter but in those cases you can mention the reason for the delay. i.e. Hi, sorry for the delay, I was out at Yosemite or Napa with friends this weekend. Glad we matched! You have some interesting hobbies — where did you learn to develop a passion for XYZ? This does two things, one explain the reason for the delay, two illustrate you are social, have friends and are busy on weekends and three are thoughtful in focusing your time with said friends.
Find Talking Points
A simple hi, hey, heyy, what’s up will not suffice – you need to find something that illustrates effort and creativity. Find a good talking point. As much as I don’t like people waiting to respond to messages, I do think it is important to think about what you write. Review the person’s profile, find something interesting, unique or quirky to comment on and be sure to spell check, be specific! If you write something like I noticed you like tacos, I like burritos, we should meet, that might not be effective unless you have a sense of humor that the other person gets but this can be tricky. However if you mention that you did a taco crawl recently and found some amazing place under the radar that challenges Nate Silver’s calculations, that might be more successful. The point is, being specific acknowledges the fact that you paid attention and put the time and effort to come up with an opening line.
Talking Points in Your Photos and Bio
Have good talking points in your profile. If you do not have any interesting details, insights, random observations or items in your profile, it will be difficult for someone to find something to reference in conversation. Details in photos and captions provide assistance in keeping the conversation going. Having a logo t-shirt from a place you have been to, art, sculpture or view in the background, a podcast you like or an accessory or article of clothing that is eye-catching can help to invite more introductory messages by making it easier to find a unique entry point. An empty bio is a sure fire way to drive people away from your profile. For ways to craft your online dating bio check out this guide.
Use good grammar and avoid unnecessary emojis. This seems super obvious but this is sadly a fading quality in conversations these days. A little goes a long way in using full sentences and appropriate punctuation. I am not saying you have to ditch ‘Lol’ and ‘OMG’ but if your repertoire includes ‘TL;DR’, ‘UR’, ‘BCUZ’ you should rethink your approach. Also if you want to eat tacos, write it out (no emojis). I am not saying tacos will lead to a first date but using emojis in conversation will hinder your chances of ongoing conversation and dates (more so for men than women).
For additional tips about dating apps, profile photos, bios, prompts, check out my blog.