Dating In The Bay Area – What Is It Like?

Dating In The Bay Area As A Man, Woman (Stories, Statistics & More)

Dating In The Bay Area

Dating in the Bay Area can be difficult. I have been working with single folks for over a decade: offline and online, men and women, young and old, introverts, BIPOC, engineers and professionals – I have seen it all.

If you do a search, you will get dozens and dozens of threads about this on Quora, Reddit, Blind and more. Relying on these forums can be like the blind leading the blind as most people who spend time on these sites tend to be more jaded, bitter than the average person.

There are many things that make dating in the Bay Area fairly unique relative to other areas of the country such as:

• High number of advanced degrees
• Dependency on dating apps
• Lack of time
• Introverted personalities
• Diversity

You might be thinking that some of these items would be a plus but not always. I’ll dig into some of the realities, nuances of dating in the Bay Area, debunk some classic myths and provide some tips on how to better navigate the dating waters here.

Check out my modern dating blog digging into trends, data, biases, frustrations, reader questions and more. Hosted on Substack, it has over 6,000 subscribers and counting.

Related reads:

• Dating In San Jose
• Dating In San Francisco

Dating Services Bay Area (Matchmakers, Singles Events)

The number of ways people try to meet in the Bay Area are many ranging from:

• Speed Dating
• Singles Events
• Matchmakers
• Dating Apps/Sites
• Date Me Docs

The number of people who defer to these alternative methods rather than chat up people are bars, cafes, events and more is crazy. It’s like people forgot how to have casual conversations and meet people in person in organic settings, events and situations. Of course this is not everyone, those who do have and easier time dating (unless they don’t know how to read people, set boundaries and cut off time wasters).

I am not against any of these outlets to meet people but the problem I see again and again is that it’s less about the locations, outlets and more about the person that holds them back, makes it hard to date including: unrealistic expectations, inability to read people/cut off time-wasters, lack of social skills, lack of friends, not ready to date or not considering other people’s preferences/deal-breakers.

Dating In The Bay Area: Work Culture

Dating in the Bay Area is shaped quite a bit by the type of people that it attracts and filters out.

It’s expensive to live here and so it tends to draw folks from high-paying jobs, prestigious universities and thus creates a more homogenous group of people which lacks diversity in terms of professions, lifestyles, vibes and energy.

The results of this are many:

• People are commuting far away to save money or to live in the city.
• Folks are working harder, longer hours and having less time to date
  • Less time to date, more reliance on dating apps, matchmakers, speed dating & more.
• When it comes to women (who typically look for men with equal or higher paying jobs, careers) it creates a lot of competition and inefficiency in the dating pool.
• When it comes to men, some believe having a  great job/career makes up for their lack of personality, social skills and friends.

These of course are trends and some commons items seen in the dating culture here in the Bay Area but its not hopeless. It’s not impossible nor difficult for all despite what you read in echo chambers of Reddit.

A lot of folks who struggle with dating are analytical or technical backgrounds. They treat dating like they do other things in life that typically have more structure, fewer variables and require less nuance and context.

If you save enough, you can buy a house. If you work hard enough, you can get a promotion. If you exercise enough, you can lose weight. If you do X, you can obtain Y. The thing with dating is that people tend to ignore other people (their desires, vibe, intentions, availability and more). Even if you get someone that matches up perfectly, what works for dating doesn’t work necessarily for relationships. People change. 

These qualitative aspects of dating is what drives a lot of men, women nuts. It’s why I have a job.

Dating In The Bay Area Stories 

There are countless horror stories about dating in the Bay Area. Many of which are relevant but not representative of what is to be expected.

• This woman goes on 6 dates, blames apps, overly invests herself in a stranger on a first date. Says she wants a kind man. Doubtful that’s the only deal-breaker she has.
• People like this constantly post on Reddit about how to meet people IRL, outside of friends. Doesn’t understand how people met before apps.
• This person says no one wants to date, yet forgets the caveat ‘date them’. By my count, people are still getting into relationships, getting married in the Bay Area, just not them.

Dating In The Bay Area Stats, Gender Ratios

Years ago, I posted on Reddit about the gender ratios on Match.com dating site in the Bay Area by various cities and grouped together by age cohorts.

The takeaways from that story was:

• Gender ratios favored women (in numbers only); Odds are good but goods are odd are strong sentiment here
• Too many guys use dating apps.
• The ratios of men to women are more disproportionate in early 20s and further away from the city (San Francisco).

Of course, this is one dating site but the trends, correlations are accurate. After 10 years of working with singles in the Bay Area, having used apps prior when I was single and analyzing data for a living, gender ratios are terrible. That said, the ratios are not as bad as they seem.

They are much better IRL than on apps. Similarly, the ratios are not as bad for straight men once you factor in that there are more gay men than lesbians. The common trend you will see across men, women and all over the world is that people are quick to blame apps, genders, cultures rather than look closely at themselves and their biases, habits, shortcomings and more.

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Dating In The Bay Area As A Man

Many of the common complaints men have about dating in the Bay Area range depending on who you ask but the biggest frustrations mentioned to me and the masses are:

• demographics (height, religion, ethnicity limits dating pool)
• gender ratios (hard to get likes, matches)
• app fatigue
• ghosting
• women have too many options (hard to get second dates)

These are all real/perceived things that make it harder to date but in almost every case, guys tend to have some common traits such as unchecked mental health, lack of friends, lack of social skills, lack of time, lack of interesting hobbies/interests, rely too much or exclusively on apps or don’t go out much (homebodies). These are all self-sabotaging attributes that are easily overlooked/ignored (it’s easy to blame others than oneself).

Dating In The Bay Area As A Woman

Dating in the Bay Area as a woman is just as frustrating but often for different reasons. I work a lot with women here in the Bay Area, those looking to move here or those that live in other cities across the country and world. Most of the frustrations typically revolve around:

• Not ready for a relationship
• Lack of quality men (odds are good but goods are odd)
• Liars, married men
• Men don’t approach them

In nearly all these cases, the blame falls on dating culture or men. It fails to acknowledge that the common thread in going on dates with married men, liars, those not ready for a relationship is that the person swiped right on all of these men (assuming they met online).

Most of the women I work with focus as much on the photos, profiles as it does around screening profiles, reading people, selecting the right apps, using appropriate filters/settings, deciphering messages and date ideas and setting (and maintaining boundaries) & more.

Are We Dating The Same Guy Bay Area 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/415842533678804/

The idea here is to compare notes, call out players and liars and prevent harassment, stalking and the like. Use at your own risk.

Related read: How To Do Your Own Background Check

Best Dating Sites, Apps Bay Area (Online Dating)

Intent is more varied and ambiguous than ever. Long-term relationship open to short-term? LTR vs marriage? Contradicting photos/bios vs what is desired in intentions.

Some apps are more for casual and hookup intentions, while others claim to be relationship focused but don’t do a good job of screening folks.

Apps companies like UberEats and Amazon have altered the mindset of all consumers thinking they can get exactly what they want with a few swipes and clicks. However, dating apps are not like food-ordering or other shopping apps, they are merely introduction apps.

Dating apps should not be expected to screen users, filter out creeps nor weed out hook-up focused individuals – nothing will nor should replace the due diligence and social skills needed to analyze people and profiles, ask questions, be patient and meet in person.

No dating app is perfect but there are some great dating apps out there if you know how to approach them, know which photos are effective, know how to write a bio and have realistic expectations based on your own looks, education, height, age and location. The best dating apps in San Francisco depend largely on your demographics, lifestyle and orientation.

The best dating apps in the Bay Area depend on your lifestyle, intentions, demographics and more. It can be either Hinge, Bumble, CMB, Feeld, Raya or something similar. No one apps works for most people. Similarly, even the worst apps like Tinder have been effective for some folks looking for a relationship. Apps are merely a tool, without knowledge, apps can be useless.

Dating In The Bay Area Tips

If you didn’t read above, that is part of the reason why you may be struggling with dating. Too many people are looking for hacks/shortcuts. It takes time to meet quality people.

• Don’t rely on apps for all or even most of your dating efforts (use them sparingly).
• Be approachable (grooming, hygiene, wardrobe, posture, wardrobe). First impressions matter.
• Take off your earphones, get off your phone.
• Make time to date.
• Take care of your mental health
• Cut off time-wasters sooner (set boundaries and maintain them)
• Don’t rely on friends for advice
  • They may be biased, unwilling to be brutally honest, or have attributes/deal-breakers you don’t
• Be truthful, honest & transparent.
• Expand hobbies/interests beyond gender-dominated, solo and homebody activities.
• Build good friendships/community. Having no friends will make it nearly impossible to date.
• Do things on your own (check out events, dine at bar seats of restaurants, volunteer, take classes)
• Learn to read people (not just the way they make you feel but how they treat you, prioritize you, how they act in times of adversity)
• Be happy on your own; don’t expect people to complete you

These bullet points are overly simplified tips to for improving your dating life. For a deep dive of your life including social circles, hobbies, first impressions, wardrobe, social skills, availability, local hangouts, body language, screening process and more, get in touch today.

Dating Coach Bay Area

Eddie is a dating coach based in the Bay Area helping men and women navigate the dating waters through dating apps, matchmakers, singles events, offline efforts and more. He helps men, women, 20-70 somethings, engineers, introverts, professionals and more with marketing themselves effectively, screening profiles, ready people and more. Learn more below.