How To Date In The Bay Area As A Man, Woman

How To Date Effectively, Efficiently In The Bay Area As A Man, Woman

If you spend too much time on Reddit, scroll Instagram posts, read the latest hot take articles from local publications, or only listen to your echo chamber of friends, then you might have strong, biased opinions about dating in the San Francisco Bay Area (see case in point above). Many folks blame others rather than take a hard look at themselves.

There is a popular saying out there that goes something like this: “you attract who you are, not what you seek.” If something keeps repeating itself to you, the common thread is you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it needs to be said.

I am not saying dating in the Bay Area is not difficult (anything that is as important as who you spend your life with should be a decision that requires lots of skill, focus, effort and more), it is, but it doesn’t have to be or at least it can be easier if you take certain steps.

A lot of dating success is based on health mindsets, effort, being happy on your own, having a fulfilling life, making time for others, not making excuses, and willingness to share with others and give of yourself rather than just take. Let’s rephrase the comment above: “My issue is that no one (I meet) wants to date.” See that shift in mindset? It allows for action rather than assume things are what they are.

Let’s take a look at all the misleading reasons why people think dating in the Bay Area is impossible.

San Francisco Bay Area Gender Ratios

When it comes to dating in the Bay Area, one of the first ‘stats’ people (men) point to is gender ratios in the Area. Most charts, surveys and graphs usually derive from those on dating apps which is skewed. I wrote about this a while back and it was featured in an SFGate article. 

If your dating universe is entirely dating apps, then yes, there is a huge gender ratio imbalance. Ask any professional coach or dating consultant, and they will tell you never to rely on dating apps for all or even most of your dating efforts (use them sparingly in addition to offline efforts).

There are many reasons why dating apps are bad, but one of them is the gender ratios. When there is a shortage of women, relative to men, it encourages men to play the volume game (more likes sent equals more matches, more matches leads to more dates). This results in lots of inefficiency (low effort, low expectations, lack of replies, canceled dates and more).

Does this mean dating apps are hopeless? Absolutely not, people are still dating, meeting their partners and finding their spouses on dating apps but not everyone. It’s impossible given gender ratios, lack of effort, lack of time, and inability to read people, set (and maintain boundaries) and what not, but it’s definitely possible.

You don’t need to be a model, nor 6 feet tall, rich, thin etc. If this is your mindset, you may not be ready to date as using stereotypes to justify lack of success says more about you than dating in the Bay Area. That said, some parts of the Bay Area have more lopsided gender ratios than others, for sure.

Some people prioritize dating over their jobs and either relocate or really do the self-work needed to do better while dating. Dating is an incredible time commitment, and frankly some people have no time to date and doing the bare minimum may suggest they don’t take it seriously. Everyone has different attributes, personalities, and skill sets that may give them advantages you don’t and that’s ok.

Dating is about skill more than luck. Referring to it as luck suggests that you think dating is out of your hands which I say is incorrect. Rather than focus what you can’t control, influence, work on doing what you can to move the needle on. It may take time but it’s possible, but only if you want it to be. Dating apps are a marketing tool, not a ordering app like DoorDash. It can’t work miracles.

Dating Events, Matchmaking In The Bay Area

Once people abandon apps, the natural migration is to use other services like matchmakers, singles events, and speed dating. Like dating apps, these can be useful but shouldn’t be used for all or even most of one’s dating outlets.

Most people who pursue these outlets typically are career driven folks who think they can short-cut their way to love. I am not saying these methods don’t work, but usually should be used with caution as most people equate to the amount paid to the chances of success (this is not always true). Some people have unrealistic expectations, others have timelines that don’t allow for organic opportunities to surface.

Like dating apps, singles events and matchmakers are an outlet to meet people. Simply increasing eyeballs doesn’t always lead to dating success. A better ROI for dating is to do the self-work which is something people hate because it’s easier to blame genders, geographies, coaches, apps than to look themselves in the mirror honestly.

Many matchmakers don’t have the reach you might think. It’s common for matchmakers to create dating profiles and reach out to folks on apps (likely ones you already dismissed, rejected or even dated possibly. Similarly, a number of matchmakers rely on their personality, looks to get you to sign expensive contracts hoping you don’t ask the right questions or use the most appropriate deal-breakers when prioritizing the type of person you want to meet.

If you have unlimited money, sure give these a shot, but remember, matchmakers are not magicians, they can’t cover-up attributes about yourself that are deemed unattractive to others (anger issues, self-doubt, lack of time, lack of emotional IQ, lack of effort etc). Many matchmakers accept nearly all applicants without being honest about their chances for finding a good match for you. 

I usually turn down over 70% of applicants as I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if I don’t think they are ready to date, are not ready to put in the work, nor have realistic expectations.

How To Date More Efficiently As A Man In The Bay Area

If you are an engineer, work in tech or work in some analytical capacity, you are likely familiar with the volume approach or sales funnel. More top of the funnel leads should lead to more conversions.

The problem with this is two-fold: 1) treating women as commodities and 2) failure to comprehend the unintended costs of lack of focus, inability to be present, uncertainty about knowing what you want, understanding women’s options/preferences, toll it takes on your mental health, and applying brute force effort to dating vs doing the self-work needed to stand out.

Sure, this approach can work but usually is not efficient. If you have no time urgency nor any strong desire to get off apps then knock yourself out. Many guys suffer from dating app fatigue and constant rejection and take a hit in their confidence. Over time, profiles are shown less on dating apps and that usually leads to more bad behavior (more boosts, more superlikes, more time on apps etc).

What’s the solution? Well, it is something many guys hate to acknowledge as it is personal. Whenever I recommend working on social skills, expanding hobbies or making friends, most guys are dismissive. They want hacks, they want shortcuts, they want answers. They are not ready to accept the truth that they are self-sabotaging their own efforts.

The more you do the self-work, the more confident you will be, the easier it is to talk to women (on apps or in person). Similarly, the more you expand hobbies, make friends and leave the house, the more likely you can meet women in real life and put your best foot forward rather than rely on questionable photos, poorly written profiles and inefficient settings on apps.

In some instances after working with me, men may get fewer matches or go on fewer dates but ideally have better quality experiences on average. You can’t avoid time-wasters, liars, narcissists etc. 100% of the time but there are ways to drastically reduce your time with them by learning to spot them more easily and by living a more fulfilling life so you attract more of who you are vs merely what you seek.

How To Date More Effectively As A Woman In San Francisco

Most of the women I work with don’t have the same problems as most men I work with. They don’t struggle as much with top of the funnel problems i.e. getting likes nor matches. They typically struggle with a drop off off of said likes and matches when it comes to having conversations, planning dates or securing 2nd dates. 

The types of filters women use are not always in their best self-interest. Even when they are, it can be difficult to spot liars, screen time-wasters or read a person accurately. Superficial measures, shortcuts and biased advice from friends typically make it hard to assess who you should focus on. Many women have amazing friends who are supportive, but they are often too supportive. They may avoid confrontation, have poor judgment themselves, or seek men different than what you are looking for.

If you want a cheerleader to talk you up, make you feel good about yourself, friends can be great for that. If you want someone to be brutally honest (but in a thoughtful, kind and useful manner) and provide structure on how to to think, what to look out for and how to assess interest, effort and genuineness, that is something people come to me for.

Mixed signals can be confusing. Apps can be exhausting. Texting can feel like hell. Ghosting can be demoralizing but it doesn’t have to be that way. Being happy on your own can work wonders when dating. Expecting someone to fill a gap, complete you is not always the best approach to view initial dates. Sure, it’s something that someone can grow into but way too often women seek out a ready to order boyfriend/partner vs seeking out men who are well on their way to getting there.

Many women I have worked with often get distracted by compliments, the feels, comments from friends and resume of a match/date and forget to look at things like character, how a man behaves when confronted with difficult situations, how they treat you (not by how much they spend or lavishness of dates) but how they treat you as an equal or as a human.

Charisma and confidence can be intoxicating but if you are unable to look pass that, you may set yourself up for failure by moving too fast, using the wrong KPI’s or just wanting to avoid rejection as it might mean starting for square one and having to deal with all the awfulness of early stage dating described above.

On that note, many of the women I work have a hard time setting (and maintaining) boundaries as well as focusing on goals. They struggle with having difficult situations to avoid tough conversations. They think the attributes that make for a fun boyfriend are the same as those that make for a quality partner. Women often get lost in the moment and assume things will work out magically. Just because things are going well doesn’t mean they are going in the direction you want it to go.

The people who tend to do well dating and relationships, in my opinion, have amazing personalities, are happy on their own, are selfless, have friends, have hobbies and continually work on themselves. Those that are bitter, jaded, blame others, fail to give others the benefit of the doubt (within reason), and easily get frustrated are those that struggle with dating and end up posting comments like the one above.